The time I got dragged out and shot on a training course
I work in a business where they sometimes send you to nasty places. I've been to some nasty places, and came back with a bump on the head and a tale of (now pleasingly dead) Congolese militias that would allow me to dine out for years. To this end, my employers sent anyone who was going to visit a hazardous environment to the Hazardous Environments Course, in which you are sent to a large country estate for a week, and taught how to avoid getting killed TO DEATH by former members of Her Majesty's Special Forces.

We were taught first aid, map reading, how to avoid getting killed TO DEATH (Essentially: Don't be there in the first place; or if you are there, run away), and what happens when things get blown up. They demonstrated what happens when things get blown up an awful lot, mostly by gleefully blowing things up.

On the last day, the course climaxed with a field exercise, where we would pose as hapless field journalists and run around a field in Hampshire, trying not to get killed by bands of heavily-armed Special Forces posing as bandits.

So, there were were minutes later, captured by a band of heavily-armed Special Forces posing as bandits. I found myself kneeling, hands behind my head, as a man with a sub-Aleksandr Orlov accent pointed an AK47 at my vitals. It was at that exact moment that the 0945 Virgin Crosscountry train from Reading to Bournemouth should come to a halt at the red signal not twenty yards away.

A man in first class looked up from his Daily Telegraph. We made eye contact. He looked away. The police did not come.

Then we were dragged out and shot.

Best training course ever.

Full 12-inch version of this tale of mirth and woe HERE
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 16:35, 12 replies)

This, I like.
*click*
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 16:43, closed)

Why would former members of her Majesty's Special forces want to kill you to death?
also *click*
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 16:44, closed)

The first class man didn't call the police
as you hadn't been found stealing from the duck pond on his estate.

EDIT: Also, what did Liwo say?
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 16:45, closed)

Also
...Bob Geldof was on the course before ours. I am told that after every display of first aid, blowing things up or map reading, he asked "Have I won?"

Yes Bob, you won.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 17:00, closed)

I've always been a bit
miffed that my company didn't pay for any of that.

I have travelled to some fearsomely wild places for work - delighful paradises such as Yemen and Sierra Leone, and all I get is a first aid kit to carry with me.
(username failed moderation, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 17:07, closed)

I subsequently got posted to Tunisia...
...and followed their advice to the letter when shit hit the fan. When the going got tough, I shouted for a taxi.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 17:49, closed)

I like the idea
of foreign correspondents buggering off.

And now we go over to our man on the ground John McSimpson, "John what's the situation out there on the streets of Cairo?"

"Pretty tense Michael, from what we hear. We are waiting for confirmation of some shootings when the waiter gets back with our drinks, but until then the situation remains unclear; you know how slow the waiters are in Istanbul"
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 18:01, closed)

It was the sight of...
...the other foreign correspondents getting charged at by the police that made my mind up. After seeing the stream of bloodied journos back at the hotel, I'm sure I saved myself a beating
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 18:41, closed)

I can quite believe it.
Moving away quickly is a good thing.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 19:55, closed)

Why did you ban CQ? It's not like he's Jewish, like Gonz, banning him would be understandable.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 21:42, closed)

I haven't banned anybody for ages
...and can't see him on the banned list. Gaz me if you have any concerns
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 7:56, closed)

Stepped I think rather than banned.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 8:44, closed)