Jacko the Bottlo
A year or two ago, the respectable architecture firm I work for was based in a small, falling-apart terrace in Darlinghurst. For those un acquainted with the so-called urban planning of Sydney, Darlinghurst is Sydney's armpit, situated right next door to King's Cross (Sydney's groin).

Our terrace had a rear lane, with a couple of trendy-but-squallid restuarants backing onto the other side of the lane. I could see into their kitchens from my desk window - rats playing in the salads yum yum!

Anyway, the resturants put their bottles out the back, messily, in crates which blocked effective use of the laneway, awaiting the council collection truck.

Enter Jacko the Bottlo.

Jacko was your typical tramp, and would scour through the piles of bottles, tipping the dregs into his hooch bottle, a filthy old 2L plastic milk bottle. He would then smash all the bottles against the back wall of our terrace, creating enough broken glass to make the laneway unpassable. He had a lair made of cardboard and shopping trolleys down the end of the lane, and the glass gave him privacy. for some bizzare reason, the Thai restuarant fed him, probably Bhuddist guilt about beggars and all.

This tramp did my head in with his bottle smashing - it would go on for about 2 hours, longer if he had collected a few trolleys-worth from other lanes. 'Normal' residents of Darlinghurst seem oblivious to this din, but I didn't live there and it bothered our clients.

So I called the council. "We don't deal with HOMELESS PERSONS, call the Salvos"

I called the Salvos. "Nah, mate, we only help em if they come in to our shelters."

Great. Cops? "We'll send someone 'round". They never showed, likely stopped off to buy some drugs from the dealer whose favourite corner was right outside Kings Cross police station.

The Matrix Gang?* Disbanded after all realising Darlo & Paddo are fucking awful places to live.

Ok, we'll have to get creative ourselves. Let's see, it's winter - pneumonia! I set up our small garden sprinkler system with an extra-fine mist spray that I could turn on when Jacko was nearby. On occasion, I would actually use the full hose and give him a full dousing with cold water. I found I could reach his cardboard lair too; and keep it nicely damp.

There was much screaming and yelling; the Thai resturant-full-of-rats gave him an umbrella, the bastards.

All good fun, and after a couple of months Jacko the Bottlo disappeared.

Little bit after that, getting my hair trimmed around the corner I mentioned where I worked. They woman trimming my hair asked if I was involved in always hosing the tramp.

Oh, shit, I thought, a bloody bleeding-heart hippie who thinks tramps aer a vital part of Our Vibrant MultiCultural Urban Village.

"Thanks for that, he used to piss & shit on our door step and harassed me and some of the other women around here. He also kicked our cat and broke it's ribs."

It's nice to do a good deed and be appreciated for it.

* - The Matrix Gang. Back in the heady 90's a parts of Darlo & the neighbouring Paddington became very trendy places to live. Quite a few of the fit young things who dropped $2mil on a trendy terrace were then rather miffed to find that the council is run by a raving PC pseudo-lesbian who wears a dog collar and face to match, who thinks tramps a vital part of the Vibrant Urban Village Cluster Micro Ecosystem. Thus formed a gang of fit blokes who dressed in long black 'Neo' coats, dark glasses, large boots, who wandered around at the witching hours offering tramps the choice of the Blue Pill, the Red Pill, or a bit of the good old-fashioned Ultra-Violence.
(corinoco is waiting for the revolution., Fri 3 Jul 2009, 13:57, 4 replies)

'Let's see - winter - pneumonia!'
God forbid you ever get into a situation where you end up homeless, hey?

You cunt.
(jennymnemonic, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 14:35, closed)

Have you ever considered
inserting your bulbous head roughly yet snugly inside your diseased anus, perchance? Being stuck up there would give us all a break.

I think I speak for all the hippies of the world when I say;

WHY BOTHER BREATHING YA CUNT!
(Turn that bloody gramaphone down has incorrect spelling in her username *WINS*, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 14:42, closed)

pseudo-lesbian...
so er, just a straight woman really, right?
(lowfigirl animating hamburgers, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 4:41, closed)

.
Stop being such a cunt and accept that some people are less fortunate than you.

If you can't do that then fuck off to some utopia where your 'problem' doesn't exist.

Twat.
(CptFantastic stopped doing work on, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 16:51, closed)