To the rude and angry man at the M&S Cafe
We had almost finished our luncheon, and were packing up, when you arrived, being angry and rude.

Eschewing the usual pleasantries exhanged at the beginning of a conversation, you chose to angrily snap "Is that your catalogue?" at us.

Believing that for some reason you were interested in the M&S catalogue, perchance to peruse the special offers on knickers, we slid it towards you and said "No, you can have it."

You picked it up, and for some reason this confused you. And made you ruderer and angrier.

You then jabbed at my cup of tea, snapping, "Is this YOUR tea?" My tea sloshed about but, luckily for you, none was spilled. It's a Serious Thing to mess with an Englishman's tea.

I then gathered your drift. You were asking in an angry and rude way if you could share the table with us. But instead of asking in a normal way, you were being a rude and angry tea-sloshing boor.

Realising that you were a rude and angry tea-sloshing boor, I decided to mess with your tiny mind. I summoned up my best plummy English public school accent, and spoke loud enough for everyone else to hear, "I'm sorry, I think you're trying to ask in a rude round-about way if you can sit here. Why don't you just ask if you can sit here politely, and we'll probably say 'Yes'."

Your face began to turn a strange shade of beetroot, and you stammered, "There's no need to be so rude."

I replied, "No, I think you're being rude, but if you ask nicely, of course you can sit there."

Unfortunately, this magnanimous gesture was not taken up. Instead you muttered to your wife, threatening to tip your boiling hot tea over my head. Charming!

You continued to be rude, whilst I continued to ask if you'd like to sit down. Some part of your brain is broken, as instead of sitting down, you continued being angry and rude.

Eventually, we finally asked "Would you like to sit here or not?"

You both replied "No", and we replied "Okay, bye then!", turned away from you, and continued our converation, that you had so rudely (and angrily) interrupted.

You stormed off to find another table, and left your dull-witted wife standing bemused by our table. She confusedly told us that "There was no need to be so rude. You only had to ask."

I corrected her, telling her "No, HE only needed to ask politely." She walked off burbling incoherently to herself.

You eventually, after a few minutes, found another table to sit down, and drank your tea fuming and glaring at me. The other customers were all looking at you and commenting on how rude and stupid you'd been and laughing at you which seemed to be winding you up.

I tried to show that there were no hard feelings by smiling and winking at you, but this seemed to make you even angrier. You were trying to decide whether or not to stand up and come over and make a scene again, and the stand-up-sit-down hovering manouver you were making above your chair as you couldn't decide was so sweet to watch.

We finished our tea, and as we stood up, some normal people came over and showed you how it should be done: "Hello, Are you leaving? Do you mind if we take this table when you leave?" And we smiled at them and told them to feel free, and smiled at you and watched your crimson physog and stand-up-sit-down dance, and the overall effect was that it looked a bit like you were straining to have a poo in your pants.

In retrospect, I think I was a bit of a twat for winding you up...
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 5:40, 8 replies)

...but this seemed to make you even angrier.
Ha ha - klassik!
(GforGermany looks like some sort of retaining plunger, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 7:06, closed)

I like this

(McChinaman banned, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 7:51, closed)

Nicely anticipated and nicely done.
*extends little finger and sups freshly brewed Rwandan tea delicately from some fine bone china by way of a salute* *clicks also*
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:08, closed)

Well done!
Your tale put a smile on my face.
( Krakapotl picks a pot of cracker petal potholes, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:45, closed)

This does go to
show, there is good twattery and bad twattery.
(username failed moderation, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:10, closed)

kudos
for use of the word boor
( zulu eh?, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:11, closed)

Wunderbar!
I think this story could only have been bettered if everyone else in the cafe stood up and shouted in unison "We who are about to dine salute you!".

Have a click, some Earl Grey and a slice of battenburg.
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:49, closed)

Well played
did you have a croissant with that as well? Then you could have annoyed him more! Also if there was another table free anyway why was he even trying to sit near you? What a twunt.
(Captain Sensible "I'll be your animal in a yellow plastic bin", Sun 15 Apr 2012, 14:43, closed)