Buying Cars Twattery
To accompany Tesco Quality's twattery a couple of posts down.

The missus' little Micra recently failed its MOT fairly spectacularly. '17 hours of welding' was mentioned, at which point we flogged it for £150 to the slavering mechanic who - if I read him correctly - was actually LOOKING FORWARD to spending an entire waking day with his torch in his hand.

And off we went on the second-hand car trail. Being the conscientious husband, I had a scout round some local yards and press in advance, and presented wifey with a shortlist on Saturday morning.

We went about it astutely and by mid-afternoon had put tentative ticks by a few of them. Our final stop was the car yard close to our home, where I had seen a five-year-old Ford Ka in decent nick for under £3,000.

A swift test-drive and tinker under the bonnet later, and we drove back to the forecourt where Mr Twatty Dealer was hanging around smirking with a couple of his twatty friends. I kicked off my bargaining position with:

"Sorry, mate. Not for us."

The chap looked genuinely amazed.

"Why not?"

"There's cold start damage, the alternator's packed up, it needs a new clutch and new front brake pads, front tracking is off, the crankshaft rattles at low revs, and the stereo's broke"

"Oh. Really?"

Fuck's sake! Had this man actually so much as set foot in the car he was attempted to sell? Well, yes, of course he had. He'd very kindly put £1:20 worth of petrol in it and changed the pine air freshener for our test drive.

I started the engine. Immediately the crankshaft started clanking about like Douglas Bader in a washing machine.

At this point, one of his mates chips in.

"Nah, mate. All Ka's make that noise."

"No they don't."

Sales technique number two not having gone according to plan, Mr Twatty D comes back with an offer that will almost certainly lose him money. Yes...LOSING money - a whole new way of life for people in the sales business:

"Er...if I fix all them problems, would you take it?"

"No."

"Oh."

"Bye, then."

"Want to give that Citroen a test drive?"

"No thanks."

"Why not?"

"It's 10 years old, has 140,000 on the clock and is an automatic. Plus, Citroens cost a fortune to service."

"Automatic? Really?"

We left at that point before he fell into genuine danger of losing the intellectual assets of his business to his Golden Retriever (who was very sweet and friendly, by the way).

There's no twat like a car salesman twat. Even if they are sometimes a pathetic twat.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Mon 16 Apr 2012, 23:41, 6 replies)

This reminds me
Of a car yard I visited with a friend who was looking at buying an old Holden (Australian) they had on offer. It looked great, all shiny and with a new paintjob, but when I crwaled under the car, it was full of rust. At one point inside the wheelwell you could even see where it had been dented enough to rip the steel and the whole thing had been covered with plastic filler.
Right says teh dealer wandering over, she's a beauty isn't she?
It's full of rust and at least one panel is full of bog, I reply.
Nah nah nah, it's all original! New paint is all, no filler anywhere.
Oh really I say and pull out a magnet (which I had for just this reason, my dad was a panel beater and I'd seen this all a hundred times).
I stick it to the door, I stick it to the panel, I move it to the wheel arch and it falls off. Will not stick at all.
That's not a magnet, it's got glue on the end! he says.
Bye, we say.
( difficultchild, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:01, closed)

"That's no magnet"
My fave was to wipe under all the big seals (crankcase, clutch housing etc.) and pull the oil cap off to look for the tell-tale white gunk that tells you that the head gasket's blown (or at least on it's way out).
Best thing tho if you're going blow 10 to 15k on a secondhand car is to spunk 50-60 bucks on getting the local RAC to do an inspection. Saved my carse more than once.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:36, closed)

As a blokey bloke who knows nothing about cars I am glad someone had the upper hand with those twat monkeys.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 8:57, closed)

Clicked, chiefly for this line:
"clanking about like Douglas Bader in a washing machine"

Hoo hoo.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:33, closed)

Clicked also
For highlighting the principle that some people, chiefly people trying to sell you something, will cheerfully reel off the most spectacular bullshit and expect you to believe them by virtue of their job title. Even when the alternative is loudly staring you in the face.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 9:53, closed)

Years ago I saw a lovely Golf GiT on a forecourt
I wandered into the showroom to ask the obligatory questions as the car was understandably locked and I couldn't see the odometer or pop the bonnet.

The sales guy couldn't be arsed to get out of his seat and tear his gaze off the telly to talk to me and seemed genuinely amazed that I could tell the difference between an eight valve and sixteen valve engine.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:07, closed)