My father suffers from the big C

On my birthday I got a do-it-yourself chemistry set. Nothing too technical or dangerous, but obviously the first thing I set about looking to make was some sort of bomb. I did....it was shit. After a while I started getting bored so I started messing about, and thought, hmmmmmm.......I wonder what colour urine turns if you boil it. Obviously this had to be a totally independent experiment if I was to get any reliable results, so I concluded that using my own piss would simply not be enough, so hence, I was forced to firstly ask....secondly request...and finally force my younger brother piss into a test tube too, otherwise this would just be a totally pointless experiment and a complete waste of time.

After I had collected my samples, then I had to boil my 2 tubes of wee wee. This involved me setting up a home made tripod over my gas cooker, which involved, sticky back plastic, several chopsticks and a strategically placed nutcracker. After several attempts I finally managed to accomplish this. I was ready to go. I turned my cooker on, I sat back, and I waited.

I waited......and waited.....and waited....and eventually became bored of waiting, so I decided to liven up the experiment. I added vinegar, shaving foam, pubic hair (fresh from the bath plug hole), and yoghurt, all along with a few other things. Nothing seemed to be happening. After 10 minutes I decided to abolish the experiment, and set about a new one. I slipped the concuction into my fathers cup of tea, sat down, and waited for a reaction.

One didn't come. My dad went to bed a few minutes later and I thought nothing more of it and concluded that this experiment had been a total waste of time. That is though, until he came back from the hospital a few days later. He had been there to have his weekly test to see how his cancer was doing. It turns out that he was completely cured of it. I remember him saying that he woke up on Saturday morning feeling like a new man, that he felt like he had been revitalised, that he felt like he had been born again. Then, I remembered....it was Friday night that I had spiked his drink with my 'formula'.

It seems, just out of the blue I had discovered a cure for cancer. I sat there........mesmorised........thinking.......Fuck, I've discovered a cure for cancer......then, I remember thinking........hang on, my mother in law's got cancer.......am I going to reveal my secret to the world, which would save hundreds, save thousands, save millions, save her?.......am I fuck.

Apologies for length but it just took so much time getting it all into a test tube without spilling any.
(Lt Columbo, Sun 17 Sep 2006, 0:41, Reply)