*strums banjo*
You'd think, having worked as a window cleaner for a year or so, I'd be full of tales of flashes of flesh through soapy panes. Unfortunately, that's not the case, but the one and only story I have does bear repeating.

It was a typical late-summer's Friday afternoon. I'd been hurtling around villages and up and down the ladders since the early morning and had a couple of jobs left before I could sup my celebratory weekend pint.

I pulled up at a new job - one of thirty new-builds in the small village I'd spent the last couple of hours in. My boss'd been out to price it up a couple of days before, and I'd been left with the unenviable job of the first clean.

I got my stuff together, gave the front door a knock to see if the customer was in and got the ladder ready while I waited. There was no movement at the door so I went on my customary nose-around the house and garden, checking for tricky spots and ladder footings.

I'll interrupt the story here to tell you why I think window cleaners don't see much unexpected nudity: aluminium ladders make a fucking racket when you set them up, giving residents plenty of warning that someone's about to check out their decor.

I set the ladder up at the first upstairs window, checked my gear and climbed up. As I approached the cill, I heard the strains of Christina Aguilera or Pink or some such forgettable pop drifting down from the upstairs of the house. I put my earphones in and drowned it out with some equally forgettable Incubus.

With the first window cleaned, I descended the ladder, moved it along to the next window and climbed up, preparing to wet the panes.

This is when I saw her. She was side-on to me, naked apart from some black ankle socks, her dark blonde hair flowing across her back and the pillows of her bed. Her position was such that she was turned away from me slightly, giving me a nice view of her bottom. No, no open-crotch views, no heaving breasts, just an attractively-shaped young lady obviously pleasuring herself in her room.

We all know that, given this situation, we should avert our eyes and respect the privacy of others, but I was completely hypnotised. The vision of this pretty body having a quick fiddle pressed all my buttons.

She seemed to be working up to the inevitable conclusion. She was working harder and starting to move around on the bed. I was captivated, and had to shift my jeans as the erotic nature of the scene took hold. She was rocking, side to side, working up, writhing, and she turned towards me and OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!

She looked like she'd lost a fight with a thousand angry wasps while tied in a hessian sack. She had acne to make Pizza the Hutt blush. She wore braces on her teeth that pushed her lips out so she looked like Leslie Ash after her collagen experience. I was actually frightened.

She gasped, open-eyed, and shot off into another room. I soaped the window, squeegied, wiped the cill and daydreamed about that pint.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 29 May 2009, 8:48, 5 replies)

Director's Cut Ending
so I knocked on the window and she turned around and she was beautiful and she opened the window and I climbed in and she squeezed my balls and I did her in the arse and now she's having my muscly blonde baby innit?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 29 May 2009, 8:50, closed)

And then you drove off
In your Honda Accord?
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Fri 29 May 2009, 10:06, closed)

That's it exactly.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 29 May 2009, 10:12, closed)

and just think...
... what she might have though of you.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 29 May 2009, 22:10, closed)

was i the only one
who first thought of "Deliverance" after reading the subject heading?
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 15:06, closed)