Back in the days when I had a student loan and could afford to go to festivals...
Now, I'd been pretty excited about this festival - my first ever one - because Green Day were playing (yes, I know - I blame my youthful poor taste) and I awoke bright and early, threw on my clothes and went to join the masses queueing to get in to the arena. In my haste, I was unable to find a pair of underpants in the fuggy depths of the tent, but I just thought 'Sod it. Who'll know?'

This was my first mistake.

Knowing I'd be in the front of the crowd for some time, I'd elected to wear a relatively sturdy pair of gig-going cord flares. They were a bit tatty, having been christened with the sweat and blood of several rock gigs, but they were very comfortable and I wasn't bothered if they got trashed. They were already a bit trashed in fact, having a repaired rip up one trouser leg.

This was my second mistake.

I got pretty close to the front, actually, and I'd been there several hours when 50 Cent came on - the act before Green Day. People were unimpressed. Bottles were thrown. There was shoving.
Now, I'm not tall. In fact, I'm really rather short. Some rather angsty punk elbowed me in the face and I fell down, but being so close to the front there was no room to pull me up for a good few minutes. So, I was lying on my back in a sea of muddy, sweaty legs and bottles and christ knows what else, until eventually a couple of big guys managed to drag me up.

However. People had been standing on me, and as I was pulled from the depths, my mended cords ripped and started to unravel up one seam. Back on my feet I figured there was no real harm done, and continued about my merry business of jeering the rapper on stage.
Then I got smacked in the face again. Then some crowd surfing jizzstain kicked me.
Fuck this, I thought - I've had enough. I yelled to the security to pull me out of the crowd, which bless them, they tried to do. Now, as well as being short, I'm kinda chubby. And heavy.
They pulled, and people in the crowd pushed, and eventually I managed to pop over the rows of people in front, get over the barrier and down. But someone was still standing on my trouser leg, and the whole thing peeled off like a strip of wrapping paper on Christmas day.

Big festivals have big screens so that people at the back of the field can see whats happening on stage. As the cameras panned the front row, they caught a shot of me floundering like a beached yet airborne whale, sans one trouser leg and alternately flashing an arsecheek or a winking minge. Laughter and jeers rippled round the site. Popping one's unexpected nudity cherry in front of several thousand -mostly drunk - people is not a pleasant experience.

Having been escorted out of the barrier area I was a bit stuck for what to do - I didn't have enough cash on me to get a replacement pair of trousers, and I didn't want to miss Green Day by going back to the tent for money or pants. What would MacGuyver do, I pondered.
I removed the remaining trouser leg, fashioned a sort of skimpy loincloth and happily watched the remainder of the gig from the back of the field with a few ciders.

So, if anyone was at Leeds 2004 and saw a mildly inebriated and lairy fat chick with green hair wearing a corduroy nappy and new rocks, I apologise.
(berk, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 11:59, 3 replies)

*click*
For MacGuyver action!
(Scritty Bakerman., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 13:13, closed)

"alternately flashing an arsecheek or a winking minge"
Ha!
(this is a shit username, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 18:03, closed)

Brilliant...
...yet tragic. I like it.

I love your writing and shall be keeping my eye open for more posts.

I was actually lurking around near the back of the crowd during Green Day that day but alas I can't recall spotting you. Incidentally my girlfriend of the time broke her ankle hideously on her way back to the tent after Green Day. Good times eh?

I can't believe I missed this the first time I waded through this week's posts. I'm just glad that I got here before the QOTW closed so I can *click*
(Rotimer was micturating windward at, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 10:50, closed)