Loam
The parakeet couldn’t swallow too well, so I massaged its throat for a while and the bird cooed appreciatively. I had to take a break eventually, as the stirring in my generously proportioned loins was in danger of doing a mischief to either myself or anyone in the immediate locality.

Culkin didn’t like what he saw. His black armband was becoming frayed and many people were growing weary of his incessant grief. I started to berate him orally because the parakeet was clearly distressed by the way he ceaselessly held his palms against his cheeks, and the aroma of aftershave was somewhat overpowering.
“Doth thou covet this wing’d and befeathered skyfish?” I inquired.
“Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout?” Culkin barked.
“Don’t come that with me!” I retorted without hesitation. “He’s dead, Culkin. Let go.” And with that I tore the armband away and gobbled it down without blinking once. Culkin wept for a while, but his sobs turned to whimpers of ecstasy as I began to softly kiss his spongy lips. My tongue explored his nostrils and my fingers counted his ribs. Our mums are now firm “friends” and Culkin and I share a bedroom.
(stusut79, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 10:18, 8 replies)

Stusut!
Where the hell have you been? Grieving over your parakeet?
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 10:38, closed)

I fully respect your writings, Stusut
One of the reasons I got involved with B3ta in the first place. But no click from me- I'm a contrary wee shite at the best of times.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 10:49, closed)

Notice how he's back at the same time as Pooflake.
I believe they are the same person.

*Dons tinfoil hat*
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 11:42, closed)

He's back! It's been so long!
(I thought he was legless?)
(ifonly, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 20:18, closed)

Nah...

You're confusing Stusut with me ;)

(BTW - the original Stusut post is excellently written - so clicks aplenty!)
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 9:48, closed)

You make me happy.
Never go away again.
*click*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 21:40, closed)

He returns only becasue of the alignment of Mars with Dusseldorf.
For seventeen days there will be a rising foulness and a rich fecund stench as of Bob Monkhouse. Then the horror will reach a plateau wherein the huddled masses mired in their rancid sofabeds become accustomed to a fate worse than chlamidia.

After that nothing can prevent us eating icecream, yae even though it be rum and raisin flavour.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 11:33, closed)

you are a strange, strange man
*hides cutlery*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 0:19, closed)