Blue Smiroff - vol 1
From two decades ago...

When I was 17 my parents used to live in Oman. This is one of the countries in which alcohol was very difficult to get hold of, especially for a minor.

I'd been there a few times before to visit my parents over Christmas and Easter holidays from school, and I'd met a girl of a similar age there that seemed quite fun, so this time when I went over, I brought a half litre of Blue Smirnoff (50% alc) with me.

My plan was to go to some secluded cliffs at dusk, drink this together with this girl, and then - as I had heroically procured some very strong drink in this land of thirst and drought - she would be so impressed by my impeccable masculinity, and so romantically overcome with the warm desert breezes gusting playfully over our drunken bodies, that she would ravish my teenage anatomy into sexual oblivion.

However . . .

There is a seven hour flight to Oman from London. That’s seven hours of free drinks. But, even though the drinks were free, they still weren't coming fast enough. So - about half way through the flight - I cracked open the bottle of vodka for a cheeky small gulp or two.

Or three.

Or fou

iv e ? …. x


. . . . . . ? . . .


The plane lands and I wake up - and the bottle is empty. I've finished half a litre of 50% vodka. For some reason I found that confusing more than anything. Anyway - I got off the plane - and there’s a shuttle bus that takes from the plane to the airport. Apparently I manage to smash one of the windows of the shuttle bus, but I cant remember that at all….

We get to passport control, and they haven't sorted out my paperwork. AGAIN. I should have an NOC (No Obligations Certificate) to get me into the country, but they don’t have it.

So I totally lose my rag with this poor girl at passport control - yelling at her and shouting that “this always happens”, and explaining how useless they are, etc etc. I’m not a violent person at all, and I can hold my booze a fair bit, but I freely admit I WAS acting like a colossal drunken cunt.

A proper arsehole.

This attracts security for some reason, who come over to investigate what this excitable young man is doing. Spitting and swearing and screaming, THAT’s what I'm doing. And shouting and testiculating wildly in my paralytic stupor. The nice armed security men ask me to calm down, so I start on them, instead.

So they handcuff me.

But - because I was so utterly, totally refreshed, so unbelievably tipsy, I couldn't stand up with my hands handcuffed behind my back…

…and THAT’s the reason why I was an hour late meeting my parents when coming out of arrivals at Muscat International Airport. When my mum and dad DID eventually see me come out of the arrivals gate into the main airport, I was handcuffed, sitting down and being pushed in a wheelchair which was flanked by two armed guards, while I screamed "GET ME OUT OFF THIS WHEEL-CHAIR YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!! GET THESE FUCKING HANDCUFFS OFF ME YOU COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS!! FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR FUCKING IMMIGRATION FUCKERS YOUR CUNTS!! YOUR FUCKING FUCKING CUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNTS!!!!!!"

Oh, they were SO proud.

Unfortunately, the next few times in my life I drank Blue Smirnoff, similar things have happened. I'll tell you about them soon.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Thu 14 Feb 2013, 19:40, 4 replies)

Bravo!
Extremely well played! I think of myself as a bit of a soak but I've not dared to mess with Immigration or any other "security service" outside of the UK. [Well, apart from, perhaps, the Dutch police but I think we were just having a laugh]
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 14 Feb 2013, 20:35, closed)

Norway is entertaining when the 23.55 lands in Bergen. sorry, officer.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 9:53, closed)

"testiculating"
I ejaculaghed at that!

There's a half bottle in the freezer atm if you're interested. Hurry tho it won't be there by tomorrow morning...
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 15 Feb 2013, 6:17, closed)

Testiculating
Verb : the art of waving your hands around while talking bollocks.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 21:31, closed)