Loo Dunnit?
Many years ago I was out on an all day session with a couple of mates. We're all very good natured drunks who never pick a fight or have a problem with anybody. Apart from this particular twat...

As the evening drew on we had been enjoying a few pints in a pub and were feeling quite refreshed when the landlord brought out many bowls of chips and put them on the bar and the tables in the pub. "Marvellous!" we thought, "That's just what the doctor ordered" and tucked into ONE bowl between three of us. This apparently mindless greed was a cardinal sin according to the landlord, who pointed out very forcefully that they were for "locals". How he could hope to enforce that rule in a packed pub on a Saturday night I have no idea.

Anyway, cut a long story short for the next hour or so he didn't miss an opportunity to glower at us or ignore us when we wanted to be served. As I said, we are very good natured drunks but I do have a rather nasty streak in me when I feel that I had been treated unfairly. So, on one of my many trips to the toilet I had a brainwave; I lifted off the cistern lid, ripped the ballcock out and put the lid back on. The toilet cistern started to fill uncontrollably as I nonchalantly wandered back to my mates without mentioning said act of vandalism. This was so they wouldn't have to lie if confronted, as it would be obvious who had done it once it was discovered, thereby making their denials more credible.

This came to pass about half an hour later, when one of my mates walked into the now completely flooded toilet to be greeted by the sight of the landlord up to his elbows in the overflowing cistern angrily demanding to know "Did your mate do this?" As my mate wasn't in on it he convincingly denied it and so we were able to carry on drinking.

My mate's denial seemed to have satisfied the landlord as he never asked me whether I was to blame. However, as we finished up I turned to him and smiled sweetly, the sort of "Fuck you" smile that let him know that it actually WAS me. Nice.

P.S. Interestingly I didn't return to that pub for many years and on my first visit back I inadvertently blocked the same toilet with a massive shit
(give it six weeks and it might clear up would like to butter your muffin, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 12:16, 1 reply)

Up-ending a pint with a beer mat over the top
then removing mat and leaving the pint upside down on the table is a good one to do, if a grumpy pub like that serves you off beer and refuses to replace it.

I'll have to file this ball cock one away for future reference.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 15:03, closed)