Yes, I am that much of a bastard
This is a tale of many sins. I would like to say that I am in no way proud of the things I did. I'd like to say that, but it would be bollocks, because I really am proud of some of them.

The first of my atrocities is that I stole a pen from work. Quite a nice one, thick black permanent marker. I figured I could use it to inscribe the names of illegally downloaded songs on the CDs to which I had illegally burnt them. These sins are nothing to do with this story, other than a little bit of background on me. I'm a bastard. See above for further edification of this.

On the day of said theft, we had a work night out. I worked in a city-based office which was staggering distance from various pubs and clubs of varying levels of ill-repute and decor-by-vomitus. I know it was staggering distance because once I intended to drunkenly shamble from one of these drinking holes to my boss' desk with the intention of leaving a shit in his top drawer. The building was locked, thank fuck.

Anyway, my next sin (on this particular day) was that when the decision was made by my chavvier workmates that we should go to Liquid nightclub, not only did I not protest violently or dirtily, but I was quite up for it. As some of you may know, I love a good dance, and I think this was one of the many occasions where I'd confused being elbowed on a sticky dancefloor by ugly twats who take delight in pointing and staring at anyone with the slightest bit of dance-related imagination with "a good dance".

Probably my worst contravention of basic morals that evening was, upon visiting the gents' toilets, to realise that I still had this marker pen in my pocket and start personalising the inside of my cubicle. Bad enough in itself, I was basically lowering myself to the level of people who go to Liquid nightclub and... oh... but it gets worse. I was not especially fond of one of my colleagues, who was also out that evening. His name was Scott Joy, and he was a dick. My manner of expressing this distaste remains an act so reprehensible that I feel compelled to tell a bunch of strangers on the internet about it for some bizarre reason.

In shaky, drink-addled scrawl I daubed the following on the back of the cubicle door.

"LOOKING TO SCORE? CALL JOYBOY ON 07xxxxxxxxx OR MEET ME HERE AT 1AM"

I should explain that because of his surname some people called Scott JoyBoy. He did not like this nickname. I thought that this message adequately straddled the line between the possibilities that drugs or man-cock were on offer. Giggling like the sort of drunken arsehole who's just made an associate's phone number available to the gay chav junkie community of Norwich, I stumbled back to the bar to watch Scott intently with a whiskey and a grin.

And precisely FUCK ALL came of it.

His phone didn't ring, no-one was whispering rumours about JoyBoy holding all manner of narcotics, the bouncers didn't have to break up a fight at 1am between the various bumders who'd seen the message and taken up residence in the cubicle awaiting a good rogering; nothing. Until we left the club, when Scott's mobile suddenly retrieved basic signal and call-receiving capability, and a garish bleeping noise tells him (and everyone within 5 feet) that he's received

A VOICEMAIL

I'm lucky Scott was as tanked as I was or my sudden interest in his wellbeing might have given him answers to the hundred random questions his flummoxed brain was soon to conjure. He listened to the voicemail, looked understandably confused, and after a little prompting from me ("whassup mate, you look even dumber than usual") was good enough to play back the voicemail on his phone's speaker, so we could all hear it. Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Er, 'ello JoyBoy, um, I'm in your toilet (imagine the horror, your brain would automatically jump to your bogs at home), er, if you want to hook me up, just pass the stuff under the cubicle wall yeah mate? Cheers"

I think I did remarkably well to maintain a straight face whilst everyone was looking just as perplexed as Scott. Desperate to relieve the tension, I offered what I maintain is a perfectly viable explanation.

"Maybe he'd run out of bog roll?"

It's not my fault no-one got it...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 17:11, 40 replies)

This HAPPENED
You are SpankyHanky AICMFP.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 18:48, closed)

It probably did happen, in some form.
And I can prove he isn't S.H. (not that it matters, being as this is the internet) as he lives down the road from me.

You are a cunt, and bereavement is too good for you. AICMFP


Although it isn't the best story, you do have a point there...
I always find it interesting that those that bitch the most tend to be those that don't contribute to the site's upkeep (granted, I'm not the biggest spender, but still...)
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 14 Oct 2010, 7:51, closed)

Liquid?
Oh you poor bastard, do you live in Worthing?
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:06, closed)

Though it pains me to say this...
...I do believe Liquid is a chain of bad nightclubs. There's one in Cardiff too, which, having visited once (after being dragged there by Chav-ish acquaintances) I have never felt the need to visit again.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:13, closed)

Note - he said Norwich....
and, interestingly, Liquid's are everywhere. How such a terrible club can maintain one location is beyond me (although they do do the good afterparty allnighter).
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 14 Oct 2010, 7:51, closed)

ah, I must have been reading quietly :-)

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 8:38, closed)

You're being quite harsh on yourself Darth
I gave up after a few paragraphs, but from what I can make out you're a Gyppo for nicking pens from work, and a dickhead for seeking to shit on your managers desk. I wouldn't throw those activities into the bastard bin, but maybe the tale picks up at some point.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:14, closed)

It doesn't.
It descends into SpankyHanky levels of believability and bellendry.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:18, closed)

Totally posting in a popular page post
Spankys acolytes have a new high priest of shittery
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:24, closed)

You referring to me there Rory?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:25, closed)

I never followed the Spanky thing, are you?
Edit : this tale is bound to reach the QOTW popular page if that helps
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:27, closed)

have a look at SpankyHanky's profile for cringingly bad, self-congratulatory, masturbatory, unfunny stories.
And by 'stories' I mean painfully obvious fictions. Like the one above. Badly written. He even has his own special section in AB's archive.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:34, closed)

I went there once, it made my eyes bleed, never again. He looked like a gay asperger kid as well.

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:53, closed)

And sadly (for him) I fear Foxtrot is becoming the new Hanky.
This 'story' is evidence enough.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:54, closed)

His resemblance to a gay asperger kid doesn't help him either

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:57, closed)

True.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:58, closed)

Top bullying

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:02, closed)

You did the bullying, not me.
All I did was agree about the Aspegers and homosexuality.

Or Ass-pergers, if you will.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:02, closed)

Hell yeah
He'll be in floods of tears again with me.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:05, closed)

Shame.
HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:07, closed)

With a smirk, because he's so easily wound up

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:08, closed)

Yes.
And he loves Pendulum, which is hilarious in itself.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:10, closed)

I have no idea about any of the music that he goes on about.
I've always assumed it's gay shit for limpwristed wankers
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:12, closed)

10 out of 10 Rory, 10 out of 10.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:18, closed)

I'm still convinced some of his "fans" are sock-puppet accounts, particularly the mod-gazzing zealots.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:48, closed)

I know he was a deluded, misguided twat...undoubtedly still is...
But you really think some of his supporters were sockpuppets?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:51, closed)

There's only about twenty people on this site, all with multiple accounts.

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:54, closed)

I am also Legless.
And Poppet, and occasionally Edmund.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:56, closed)

I'm Sparticus
(nibblet99 is avoiding work on, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 22:04, closed)

No, you're a halfwitted cunt
with no sense of proper behaviour.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 14 Oct 2010, 9:25, closed)

Well, whenever something vaguely sceptical or uncomplimentary was posted as a reply,
several lurkers would come out of the woodwork, defend their hero and the poster would often get reported and naughty-stepped/banned. This never happened with anyone else; make of that what you will.

It's nothing but a theory, but knowing the kind of folk b3ta attracts, it's quite possible someone with that level of neurotic egotism could exist and become a regular.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 19:56, closed)

I got naughtystepped once.
I suggested a Bullshitters Part 2 QOTW, that way, Legless and Spanky could post their normal 'content' with impunity.

The mods failed to see the funny side.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:00, closed)

I'm in for it now = ((

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:00, closed)

YO GONNA GET YUH ASS NOTTY STEPPED!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:03, closed)

FUCK THE MODS, THEY'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 20:07, closed)

^^^ Nothing like a couple of talentless kids complaining
that it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNFAIR, arguing with each other about who can slate you the most, Darth. If it were real life, they'd probably actually be slapping each other around the face with their cocks.

And that's just awesome - AB thinks Spanky Hanky's full of shit and has put him in his "archive" - therefore it MUST be true.

You guys crack me up. You should be on stage, so we can throw fruit at you.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 8:48, closed)

Bricks would be better.
I'm not a fan of shit, lying, pointless qotw posts. I like AB's archive (it's very funny), I don't like all posts. Some of Darths make me laugh, some don't (this didn't). However, he has a perfect right to post them.

Slate the grammar, the spelling, or post an opinion, sure, but as for the story? Don't like it, don't vote for it! This post shouldn't get to best of, but it prob will owing to the attention it'll get for having 45 replies!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 14 Oct 2010, 9:23, closed)

Ha, ^^^ very much this :-)

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 10:04, closed)

Well I liked it.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 12:44, closed)

good for you
*applauds*
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:04, closed)