stomach flu
when i was about 12, my parents decided to go out for the night, leaving me at the mercy of my deranged auntie. i was feeling unwell before i got there, but by supper time, i was very ill. i didn't know i had stomach flu, i just knew that EVERYTHING inside my body wanted out RIGHT NOW.
my auntie lived in a second-floor maisonette, one of those concrete monstrosities with a communal balcony affair by which acces to each front door could be gained. as my body began a passable impression of vesuvius, my auntie decided she didn't want me to be sick inside the house, so i was hustled, in my nightie, onto this freezing cold communal balcony.
for over an hour i stood there, leaning over like a very unwell L-bracket, both ends erupting in gut-spasming unison and increasing regularity.
finally, the foul emissions ceased and i stood, covered in my own filth, looking for all the world like an exploded burrito. all i wanted was to be able to clean myself up.
the door opened and my auntie stepped out. did she have a clean nightie for me? an old t-shirt i could borrow? some clean underwear? even a bucket of cold water to rinse myself off?
no.
she handed me a packet of j cloths and muttered "i've run out of bog roll."
fucking bitch.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 1:14, 3 replies)

Clicks
What a mean old sow!
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 23:26, closed)

she's still an utter fruitcake
but she does have an impressive beard
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 9 Jan 2010, 21:32, closed)

LOL
Dont know what to say about that really
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 12 Jan 2010, 1:15, closed)