gastric flu in the US.
I'd been sent to a conference in Washington DC - it was round about the time of "Swine Flu". And I was the proper big cheese... business class, the lot.

I arrived at the charmingly named "Gaylord Hotel" late in the evening, enjoyed a beer and some nachos with my traveling companion, and retired for the evening to prepare for Day 1.

My stomach, however, had other ideas.

Round about 4am the rear gasket went, and I settled in on the Big White Chair to spend the remainder of the morning impersonating a twin-cheeked firehose of liquid shit.

I was still there in the morning, and it was still coming, with my stomach gurgling and head pounding. Called my pal to cry off breakfast and eventually made it down for elevenses, looking greenish and dehydrated.

Peppermint tea. Crisps, She said.

Not so much a suggestion, more an order. And as the blood sugar began to rise again I thought "ahhh, back to normal service".

Despite my newly rosy complexion, my companion suggested I repair to bed for the remainder of the day. I agreed reluctantly, and got back in the lift after collecting my conference pack.

Something about the vertical motion, or the view out of the glass lift over the potomac, set off gastric alarm bells, and as I left the 5th floor lobby I was moving quite fast.

Not fast enough.

It was outside room 5014 that my stomach revolted and I dropped to my knees to projectile vomit the tea onto the carpet. And again. And again. Until, unable to take any more, I collapsed - weeping - into the damp carpet of my own spew.

At which point the bedroom door opened, and a stunning blonde asked if she could call anyone. I was mortified, as only an englishman presented with a vision of beauty whilst lying in an enormous puddle of his own stomach acids can be.

"just call a cleaner please, I'll be fine"

I didn't sound it. But I believed it. And staggered slowly off to bed (well, toilet) clutching my sodden stinking conference papers as she stared at my production in shock, horror and quite possibly awe.

When I next surfaced, 5 hours later, the area was roped off and an industrial carpet cleaner was being sought by a team of concerned staff.

Conference was rubbish too. Only three days though, so no need to apologise for length.
(nordelius, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 16:29, Reply)