as a not so bald, dumber, ape...
I lived in america for three years when I was a littl'un. Moving back to oxford after time spent in california is pretty tough, but I was settling in as a pretty cool 8 year old. I had a mildly different accent, and had interesting stories to tell (for stories, please read lies. I, like many children, seemed to lie for the sake of it... Why do children do that?!). However, being as I was a bit 'merkin, I was a bit rubbish at football, so still had work to do to get myself in with the popular crowd.

I would slightly over-do the theatrics, and was carving a nice niche as the class joker, from the other side of the world. I had also managed to impress a particularly hot girl, Lisa. I'm pretty certain it was love, and all I needed to do was tell her, and we would settle down to some third base hand holding, and possibly get the home run with a kiss on the cheek... I quivered at the thought of such x-rated action with an amazing hotty.

This was all ruined one day, when feeling a bit ill, I went to ask my teacher for permission to go to the toilet. She was in the middle of an intellectual conversation about 'the magic e' (that isn't rude, it was a program about spelling we got to watch, the lyrics 'kit, becomes kite with me, bit, becomes bite with me' I later added shit to this list...).

Anyway, as my beautiful Lisa was asking my teacher about this intellectual stuff, I started feeling more queasy, and started doing that hopping thing when you want someone's attention. It didn't work.

Without warning, and without a chance to cover my mouth, a vile rainbow of vomit spewed forth from me, all over Lisa. It was a perfect arc of barf, covering my future wife.

I ran off to the toilet, and cleaned myself off, and came back to be told off for not just going to the toilet, even though I would have been sent to the corner for just walking off like that.

Lisa would no longer look at me, the 'cool kids' wouldn't pick me for football, and I spent the remainder of my primary school career hanging out with other such spackers, like the kid who was always naked, and the guy who was pretty much mute.

I often wonder how life would have turned out without that ill-timed vom. probably married to Lisa and a famous footballer, alas, it was not to be...

apologies for length, but she was about a metre away.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Fri 8 Jan 2010, 17:05, Reply)