Torpe-doh!
In 1940, my Grandad was conscripted into the Army, to be trained up as a gunner for an artillery regiment, by through some odd process, was transferred to Navy control as they were short of people to man guns on ships and then on to the Merchant Navy to man an ancient pop gun as part of a unit called the DEMS (an odd situation that meant he was entitled to three flags on his coffin).
One night while out in the Atlantic, he was on watch looking for submaries, ships, anything that might present a threat, when he saw a streak in the water some distance out. The alarm is rung, the gun swivels and the barrel is depressed (poor thing) and a foot hovers over the fire pedal. The distance closes, almost into firing range. Ships are too close either side to take violent evasive manouevers, so he prepares to shoot...
At which point, the track takes a sharp turn and jumps out of the water to reveal a porpoise that nearly got itself turned into jam.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 6 Nov 2012, 19:59, Reply)