I went to school with a superhero
The story starts back when I was in grade nine, the final year of Canadian middle school. There was this big fat kid a grade younger than me who was one of the many laughing stocks of the school. Matt was easily the fattest person in the school, spoke with a lisp, and had a high temper. It was pretty often you'd see him fighting someone, though he always lost and always looked like a fool. Once I passed by the wrestling room and saw a kid half his size wrestling Matt. The guy was winning simply by staying out of Matt's reach and taunting him to chase him around the wrestling mat. Oh, did I mention Matt was so heavy, he had to use a walking stick to get around? A walking stick being unavailable, he would often use a ski pole or fishing rod.

Let's fast forward two years. I've switched to high school and already finished off one year, so now Matt is entering my high school.

People started talking around the school about "Powerman." They all had stories like "Powerman ran into my science lab today and threatened to punish all evildoers" or "Powerman made me pay homage to his superpowers." I heard these stories for a month before I finally saw him for myself, and yes it was giant Matt, wearing a (Canadian) football helmet, welding gloves, a cape, and a crystal visor. He would waddle through the school coming out with all sorts of comical phrases, "Up up and away! Oh yeah, forgot--can't fly!" Everyone in the school had a story about him.

Around that time I decided to approach him for an interview. I found him in the lunch room, and when I asked him, his eyes lit up. "Is it for the student paper?" I shrugged. "Sure." Later I took the interview to the student paper, but they refused to publish it because it would encourage him.

Powerman was a great person to interview. He told me his weight and all his speech and social problems are due to some ADHD prescription drugs he's on (maybe Tom Cruise was right). He used to get beaten up every day of his life, but since he started wearing the Powerman costume, nobody had touched him; they must have all thought he was doing a good enough job of humiliating himself without their help. He told me "Power Day is coming," which the guidance counsellor stepped in and told him he could never do.

Powerman and I became friendly toward each other. I still laughed my ass off at him, but that's what he wanted. He graduated a year after me, and I heard the teachers were planning on not letting him walk across the stage for his commencement because they were afraid what he would do. After he graduated he went through a series of job placement programs for the physically disabled. He got a job at a lollipop factory or something and I didn't see him for a while.

Then he tried to become a street performer at the annual Fringe festival. He revealed to the world that, despite being enormous, he is extremely flexible, and billed himself "The world's fattest contortionist." A year later, he got into stand-up comedy. The only two times I saw him on stage he cracked me up so hard ("Do you think a dentist dies a little inside every time he gets a gummer from a hooker?") Shortly after he was voted "funniest working man in the city."

With his contortion abilities, he was recruited into the Jim Rose Circus, a famous American travelling freak show. He has toured England, Ireland, Iceland, Australia, and all through the US. Today, he is probably the most famous person I know from school. You can have a look at his website here. fatbend.com/

So I want to take the time to say "Hey guidance counsellors! You were wrong!"
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 2:36, Reply)