nutter teacher
Christ! where to start. We had a primary school teacher who was certifiable. Mr Saunders, never seen without his shit brown snorkel parka and Woolworth’s bag looking like your classic fiddler, 40 odd still lived with his mum. Seemed to genuinely believe terrorising 10-year-old kids was somehow both big and indeed clever. Odd/pervy behaviour included peering at the tower block opposite telling a class of 10 year olds he could see old ladies getting undressed (always old ladies). Making all the boys do gym bare-chested and running up behind them to slap their backs at any provocation then make excited comments at the resulting hand shaped angry red welt. Intensely camp failings playing tennis (with himself against a wall) at lunchtimes, resplendent in baggy tennis whites. WOEFULL singing and guitar playing. He had one of those little collapsible footstools and would imitate bob Dylan (badly) and get all lost in the music in front of a bemused class. Obsessing over HMS Pinafore. Sending almost every boy in the class to the same child psychologist (worried/incredulous mothers all found out through chatting). Regular beltings - Scotland had belting of the hands with heavy leather strap until the mid eighties.

A few years back I was working at a world heritage site where lo-and-behold Saunders turns up barking orders at a bus load of depressed looking 10 year olds - still in shit brown parka and ginger sideburns. Initially I was set to nip out and twat him one until I remembered I had got access to his full name once (he stupidly signed a school fire extinguisher during a routine check). So I strolled down and quietly told the first kid I encountered – a wave of laughter spread among them then one calls out JASPER BERTRUM SAUNDERS ya fanny!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 9:34, Reply)