I must confess....
I once got a friend locked up over Christmas. Back in the heady days of 1981, I was serving in Her Majestys Armed Forces,with all the boredom that that induced (no Iraq, Afgahanistan then, dear B3ta), and all was happy in my world.
Cue the Christmas piss up for B company. Dirtiest strippers, filthiest comedian, terrible beer, and the idiot that ran the NAAFI hadn't got enough draught lager in, so half way through the night, I had to go onto bitter. From a can. Much fun and imbibing of said dirty beer later, the nations finest stagger back to their respective barracks, with added stupidity due to alcohol included, but I'll save that for another date.
Come the morning, the flower of britains youth arise, coughing, farting, and scratching, and generally looking like shit. Who cares? The buses to the train station are leaving in 3 hours, so, after hastily showering, shaving etc, and filling kitbags, we all fall in for parade.
Now this is where it all goes tits up. I was fine, until about 2 minutes into the parade, and then the dirty beer decides its bored, and wants out- now. I'm stood there, clenching for all its worth, sweating etc, and the camp commandant is about 6 men along, and thats it, its going to come out, like it or not- in the form of the loudest, most obnoxious fart I think I have ever done, or will do. Luckily, my colleagues to either side are pretty bleary, and I'm on the back row, so I did the time honoured thing of turning to my left, and wrinkling my nose up and glaring at my mate Kym (yes, that is his real name).
At that, assorted Sergeants, RSMs all come screaming across, and see me glaring at Kym, and the smell was awful too. Kym suddenly is dragged off to the gatehouse, I'm left in shock, but NO WAY was I going to admit it.
Anyway, we are all packed on the buses, he's locked up until the day after New Years day, when he was let off with no charge. So I was the criminal, but wouldn't take the rap. Shame on me, but it was a good Christmas- met the present Lady wife that Xmas, so all was good.
Apologies for length, but its the girth, dontcha know.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Tue 19 Feb 2008, 8:36, 3 replies)

well you know what they say
who ever denied it supplied it!
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Tue 19 Feb 2008, 10:15, closed)

You can
be locked up for farting in the Army? Jesus, that's tough!
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Tue 19 Feb 2008, 10:25, closed)

Farting in army
Yes, you can- if its on Commandants parade, as its not showing "respect" for the officer on parade. Funny things do happen in the army, general farting is ok, but not farting loudly in front of a Lt. Colonel (or General) whilst on parade.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Tue 19 Feb 2008, 11:04, closed)