Involving theft, pornography and GBH
Ooh, 20ish years ago I did some nurse training. Would have KEPT IT UP if it wasn't for shagging my back.

I particularly enjoyed my stint in a psychiatric hospital (as part of my training, as opposed to an inmate on this occasion). The department to which I was seconded was "social & recreation". It was a drop-in place within the hospital for patients, where they could escape the monotony of ward life and partake of whatever activities they fancied, that we could provide. That is where I learned to knit (dishcloths made with string). See the unwelcome Christmas presents...

There was a diverse bunch who attended "soc & rec" and I fitted in like an angle-poise does to 70's wallpaper. Some were tragic, like Bella, a lady who'd been born in the hospital 'out of wedlock' in the early 1900's, her mother having been sentenced to The Nut House for her heinous crime. Poor Bella had never known any other life, her mother had only been 16, therefore a child herself at the time. Thus, mother and daughter became utterly institutionalised and imprinted (if that word can be applied to humans).

Then, of course, there were some real characters. My favourite of whom was Artie - boy did I have a soft spot for him. Physically, he was the epitome of somebody from Grimm's fairy tales (I REFUSE to call them 'traditional tales' - they are fucking fairy stories and I detest and rebel against the fatuosity of political correctness). He was 6'5" tall (I don't do fucking metric either) had scoliosis and kyphosis (different curvatures of the spine) rendering him reminiscent of Quasi Modo. He also had a facial disfigurement. Then on top of all that, the poor soul had suffered a C.V.A. a few years previously. The stroke had typically left him semi-paralysed on his left side which cruelly exascerbated his facial disfigurement, causing him to drool constantly, and also leaving him with a cumbersome, ambling gait.
Did any of that bother Artie, though? Did it shite! Talk about 'courage in the face of adversity'... Did I mention he was a Geordie with tattoos? Like meself?
Whenever I am having a 'fat day' or an 'ugly day', I hark back to Artie and his genuine joviality, and give myself a hard kick up the arse to get things back in perspective.

Artie was the kindest soul one could wish to meet. Had a fabulously dry and self-depricating sense of humour, and a heart to make Mother Theresa look like Myra Hindley. I loved him so much more than my own grandfathers, indeed would have traded him for them in a flash. We greeted eachother every morning with a huge hug and kiss (not sure that'd be allowed these days). Artie also had penchant for Frankie... (that's Vaughan, not Dettori)

Utilising his sense of humour and appearance combined, Artie was able to aquire his weekly fill with no imbursement required...

All he needed to do was frequent the same newsagent on the high street each time he went out. All of the staff knew him by sight - literally. He looked big and scary, and they knew from whence he came. He never said a word in the shop; never needed to. The staff were so shit-scared by the mad look he affected, they decided the path of zero resistance was by far the safest, and under no circumstances were they going to attempt any confrontation.
So it was, Artie would empty the top shelf to his heart's desire, usually pilfering a bag of liquorice allsorts into the bargain. No harm done, everyone was happy.

Until the week Artie was bedridden with a nasty bout of 'flu, and couldn't make the trip to the newsagents. Not wanting to miss a week, he asked Bert, a fellow resident to please make the collection for him.

"Gan on man Bort, gaan doon te the paipa shop forruz. Gerruz aal the wimminz magazines, will ye? Ah'll let ye look at them afta Ah've finished like..."

Bert was a good pal of Artie's, but also somewhere on the autistic spectrum. So took the request literally. And came back with; Woman, Woman's Weekly, Woman's Own, Woman & Home, The Woman's Realm...

That was when the G.B.H. ensued..
and I've gone on TOO LONG already
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 19 Feb 2008, 23:53, 4 replies)

fantastic!

( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 20 Feb 2008, 1:32, closed)

I had to actually read the quote aloud...
To transalate into english. My Geordie dads been dead far too long, years ago I'd have understood that in a flash.
*Sniff* then *clicks*
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 5:55, closed)

Absolute solid gold
click for yees.
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 10:28, closed)

Excellent!
*click*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 20 Feb 2008, 14:05, closed)