The train to Milton Keynes
Imagine that it is 9am. Also imagine you have been heavily drinking the night before, and only reached your bed at 4am. Add to that you had 3 hours' sleep and have just gotten on the train from Glasgow Central to Milton Keynes.

You have never slept in a train before successfully, but desperately want to either sleep, or curl up and die. You find that, once you have sat down, a heavily overweight hippy chooses to sit next to you, despite the rest of the carriage being empty. Needless to say, you excuse yourself by saying you needed the toilet, then scarpering.

Half an hour into the journey, you realise that because the train is empty, you could lie down in the middle corridor. Brainwave, surely. You do so, finally get yourself comfortable [you'd forgotten your bulky wallet was in your pocket, and therefore you couldn't lie on that side]. Your head finally touches the not-that-shabby carpet, and suddenly,

"TICKETS PLEASE".

Yep, you have a comedy conductor. Clearly she [for it is a female, overweight, slathered in makeup and sounding more like Vicky Pollard than anyone you've heard before. You also suspect she has lesbian romps with the onboard shop assistant, which explains it has been shut, denying you of your needed caffienated lifejuice] can see you are hungover and decides to take it out on you, presumably because you made the mistake of being born with a penis.

Once she disappears, having found no good reason to prolong your torture, you lie down again, and are on the verge of sleep, when you bash your head. What? What's going on here? What cruel person is inflicting pain upon you?

Oh, you've just realised. It's one of those bloody new Virgin tilty trains. You're lying down in the corridor, and as soon as you lose motor control and surrender to sleep you roll into a chair at high speed. Fucking train.

And to top it all off, you're going through all of this only to end up in Milton Keynes.
(basstard, Thu 7 Sep 2006, 19:49, Reply)