Posted this before, but it's appropriate here
A mate of mine had a girlfriend for a year before getting...ahem...'intimate'. He was waiting for the right time. The right time came on an excursion to Scarborough. Being in the hotel room next to them, I heard the gory details, included a large 'aaaaiiiiiieeee!!! It hurts'

Apparently, the guy covered his member with soap (for lubrication), and caused the girl great pain with it.

She thought it was best to see a doctor so, waking me up in the process, we went to the hospital, where she discharged after a few hours (ba dum tish!).

Unfortunately, the mate of mine, had forgot to wash off the soap after the incident, and by now, it formed an ever-tightening seal around his member. Causing him not only great pain, but worse, walking around with an erection wherever he went.

After a few days he told me that he had visited the GUM clinic, and said that he should soak his soldier in warm water for a few hours. Even then, it would take upto 3 days for his little guy to regain natural dimensions.

Never one to take doctors advice, he invented a quicker way.

He mastrubated with a piece of sandpaper.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 7:58, Reply)