yet another friend, helen
(sorry these are all friends' stories, but frankly, i just don't DO crap sex, ok?!)

shagged a guy from work, whom she'd been after for ages. all went well, great sex, lovely guy. in the morning she had the day off and he didn't. but despite him being really sweet and telling her to have a lie in and even bringing her tea and toast in bed, she was desperate for him to leave.

because she was even more desperate to go to the toilet but couldn't bring herself to do it whilst he was there. she lay in stomach cramping agony whilst he had a leisurely shower, shave, cleaned his teeth, sat on the edge of the bed to chat. all the time feeling as if she were about to soil herself and his nice bed.

eventually he left. result! helen dived for the bathroom and released a killer richard the third. but relief was swiftly followed by disaster. so inflated and swollen was this richard (she blamed the delay in releasing it into the wild for its size and stench) that it refused to disappear. shit. shit. literally.

so helen mashed it up with the toilet brush, but it still wouldn't flush. by this point she was beginning to panic. he had said his flatmate, who worked nights, would be home at 10 and it was almost that now. in a frantic hurry, she scooped the whole disgusting mess out of the bowl and wrapped it in toilet roll. she decided to dump it, no pun intended, in the nearest dustbin.

problem solved, she gathered her stuff together, and headed for the door. then thought it would be sweet to leave him a little note. she set everything down, rummaged in her bag, found paper and pen. "you were amazing, see you tomorrow, h xx" she wrote.

then picked up her bag and happily left the flat.

only after she was standing on the street, on the wrong side of two yale locks, did she remember she had left the wrapped up pile of turd mash right next to the note.......

i couldn't believe anyone would tell this story, but then helen knew no limits whatsoever and wasn't even that embarrassed about it. mind you, this is the same girl who once had such an anal seeing to that she involuntarily shat herself walking across her flatmate's bedroom to tell her about it. and voluntarily told the rest of us.

strangely enough, we're not mates anymore... although perhaps i should add at this point, that is because she then went and pulled the bedshitter. now THAT was a match made in heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:35, Reply)