In search of the mighty mighty orgasm
If you were to gauge an opinion on my sexual prowess to all the lucky ladies I have been with, the one word that will come up often is energetic. There is a reason for this. So sit back, pour a drink, light your pipe and prepare to be amazed by my blind stupidity with a touch forced ignorance.

In a previous QOTW (http://www.b3ta.com/questions/childishthings/post524490) I recanted my school days and how much they stunted my social interaction skills. If you can’t be bothered to read that post I’ll explain quickly: I went to an all boy’s catholic boarding school in the middle of the English countryside (yes, bumming was a plenty amongst the more light footed members of the clergy and unsuspecting choir boys). I cannot begin to explain how laughable the sex education was at this school. An example of this is when I raised the point of contraception use with your hepatitis-infected wife, basically we were told to dive in like a retard with wet fingers to a live plug socket. So, we learned the square root of fuck all when it came to women and sex. On the upside though if you were in the choir you learned a lot about buggery.

Roll on many years, I leave at 16 and stumble off to college were I meet a new breed of human being, girls. Confused is a term that is used to lightly in our society these days; I was fucking bamboozled by their forthcoming nature and their need to be so close. The wanking around this time was of an Olympic standard and I was just struggling to deal with girls sitting next to me in class without having to run off to the bogs to knock one out like a rabid masturbator. This level of hardcore self abuse and shyness continues for at least 2 years (yes, I was still a virgin) until I meet Helen. My oh my was out to impress, she was very pretty, long thick hair and massive tits. The dates were the usual collection of teenage fuck ups and ill-advised tit fumblings in the dark, but she stuck around. I should point out at this point that during my time at college I had gotten involved with a bunch of class A nutters who enjoyed marathon cycling, 24 hours plus in one sitting. As you could imagine I was quite skinny and full of energy.

So after some false stars in the bedroom I eventually popped my cherry with her. This sexual conquest continued for some time until these odd emotional feelings started crossing my mind, for some reason I wanted to spend every fucking waking hour with her. The next logical step for me was to get her pregnant. Fucking Genius I’m sure you’ll agree, get her up the duff and she’ll be mine forever. This is the attitude of people who kidnap women and hide them in a man made basement for 20 years.

Due to my ignorance and lack of education I was blissfully unaware that she was on the pill. I had never heard of the pill before and I was slightly surprised that she allowed me to “swim without a snorkel”, but I loved it. I was also aware that I had not made her orgasm yet. This is the mental bit, I someone attributed her lack of pregnancy due to the fact she had not orgasmed yet. Hells bollocking bells, I out to ride this horse through the valley of minge, over the mountains of clit and circumnavigate the woods of gash. Thankfully, the Internet has just started taking off and it was the perfect reference library for the undiluted perverts of my generation. So I studied hard, looked up all the techniques and in a short time I was ready to attempt my “attack run”. I will not pass on the details but needless to say, I went at it like a mad man and thanks to fingering techniques that can only be attributed to continually trying Zangief’s spinning pile driver move on street fighter, I was able to make her come just before I did. My work was done. In the post sex conversation we talked endlessly about how much we loved each other while listening to champagne supernova and I said these immortal words:

“I suppose there is a chance you may be pregnant now”
Her:
“how did you work that one out?”
Me, stuttering like a Parkinsonis victim:
“Well, you come ”
Her:
“hahahahahahahahahahahaha”

This laughter continued until I was completely embarrassed beyond the pale. She then gave me the patronising sex education I should have gotten at school, she admired my enthusiasm and energy. This relationship did come to an end but we are still good friends and she often tells people about my lack of education which usually brings laughter and often a few ahhhhhs. Fuck it though, I’m now a sex god of hell fire and I bring you….. length
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 15:17, 1 reply)

You didn't know that people who have kids together split up?

(waxdart hello., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 16:11, closed)