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This is a question "You're doing it wrong"

Chthonic confesses: "Only last year did I discover why the lids of things in tubes have a recessed pointy bit built into them." Tell us about the facepalm moment when you realised you were doing something wrong.

(, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 13:23)
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This question is now closed.

The shower routine - I always get it wrong...
Now I know that I'm not the only one who does this, so I'm putting on here to break the taboo.

Whenever I shower I always, and without forethought or reason, wash myself in a particular order - soap on hands, onto arms, pits, chest, back legs, genitals, genitals, genitals, arse. Then always I stop, think to myself "Shit. I've done it again". Then wash my hands thoroughly again twice and wash my face. If I just started with my face and finished with my hands AFTER the arse, surely THAT would be a more hygienic method and there'd be no more nearly washing my face in my own poo?!

(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 9:30, 39 replies)
"just like the holocaust survivors"
my stepgrandfather passed away a few years ago at age 80something. you ever notice how old people either get extremely fat or skeletally thin? grandpa joe was one of the skeletally thin ones. at the funeral my dad, unfortunately, continually referred to him as "emancipated" instead of "emaciated." i kept hearing him going to successive groups of people and saying "he lost so much weight near the end, see how emancipated he looks? just like the holocaust survivors." i didn't have the heart (or the chutzpah) to tell him that he was getting the word wrong. after almost 2 hours, either he figured it out or someone told him, cause he gave me such a LOOK from across the funeral parlor floor... >.<
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 3:02, 1 reply)
A fishy tale...
On one of my first ever business trips to that London, I ended up in a swish French restaurant with my boss and his boss.
I figured I'd try the trout as I'd never had it before.
You can imagine my surprise when the waiter brought me a whole fuken fish! I mean - how are you supposed to eat the bastards?
Once I'd cut it's head off a solution presented itself to me - just continue making vertical slices down the length of its body.
So I did. Then I shoved each slice in my mouth and ate it - bones and all.
Either my gaffers were as ignorant as I was, or they were both excellent poker players; because neither of them even cracked a smile.

Incidentally, I now know how to do it properly; but a friend once remarked, "That's not a meal - it's a friggin' dissection!"

Length - getting on for a foot.
(, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 0:17, 10 replies)
Er...why do the lids of things in tubes have a recessed pointy bit built into them?

(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 23:49, 6 replies)
I bought a flat in 2007.

(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 23:47, 5 replies)
I was about to send in the entire rebel alliance
to destroy the new Death Star (just near Endore if you know the area) but then on seeing that the deflector shield was still operational, realised it was a trap.

A. Akbar.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 23:19, Reply)
Childhood confusion
When staying the night at a friend's house (in what is now seemingly universally known as a 'sleepover', but I refuse to bow to that pressure for fear of turning spontaneously into one of the Olsen twins) I was confused by their toilet. It had the tiniest seat I'd ever seen and I struggled to fit my arse into it. Gingerly perching myself on top of it I just managed to get one and a half cheeks in and squeeze a big turd through the middle, barely grazing the sides. Vaguely wondering how the adults managed, I returned to the Star Wars toys.

It wasn't until years later I realised they had a removable booster seat for the use of my friend's toddler brother.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 23:11, Reply)
I did my hair wrong(ly)

However, I want to do it again, but my wife thinks I shouldn't.


edit - repost from "How nerdy are you?"
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 22:43, 13 replies)
I must have thought it was a toilet...
So here's my story which very fittingly for this QOTW happened Saturday night just gone:

I went over to my friend's house to partake in a delightful evening of good company and getting completely mashed off my (proverbial man) tits. I'd already lost me lunch about an hour after getting there due to hitting one of those gravity bong things a bit too hard and not being able to take it (I would have been able to a few years ago but haven't done one for ages, who would've thought).

Not one to be discouraged, I jumped straight back on the horse and carried on drinking the night away. There were only 6 of us (3m 3f) and my 12 pack went soon enough, as did the other 10 or so beers already in the fridge. Off to another mate's house we went and carried on drinking the beer in his fridge, playing a bit of darts etc. etc.

After a while the 6 dwindles to 3 - my mate the home owner and his missus, and I. We started watching some shit on the TV (I introduced him to the excellent The Inbetweeners) and his missus apparently went off to bed while I passed out on his sofa in a most dignified way.

And this is what I did wrong: At some point in the night (about 6.30/7am) my friend woke me up rather abruptly saying I'd just pissed everywhere.
"What? Nah I don't think so mate what the fuck are you talking about?"
"You've just pissed on my bed"
"Shut up mate no I didn't"
"Look, there's piss all over your shorts and my bed, plus you're sleeping in my dog's bed."
"What the fuck?!" So this is the point it starts to dawn on me that he might not have been joking around as my leg did indeed feel a little wet. I jumped up to hear the shower running and see his girlfriend poke her head round the door to ask him for a towel. What made all this the better was that apparently she'd been asleep in the bed at the time.

So, I get up and fully realise what's happened. I'm told I'd been asleep on the sofa and suddenly got up and left the room, all doing so with my eyes closed. I walked towards the bathroom and unfortunately took a left turn instead of a right, into his bedroom and 'pointed percy at the poor bird asleep'. Well, not quite at her luckily (I think I may have gotten myself shot for this as I do remember seeing him pocket his gun when he went outside earlier in the evening) but I just stood over his bed and pissed all over it, all over his $200 memory foam mattress and his sheets, which had all seeped (sept?) over to his sleeping girlfriend who at first thought it was sweat but then horrifyingly discovered it wasn't.

Luckily they were very good about it, I think it was the way I was completely mortified and most incredibly apologetic, not allowing anyone to help me clean up and offering a professional clean on me.

I've not spoken to him since and am wondering if I should buy her some flowers or something (but not yellow ones)? Any ideas?!?!

Edit: I'm relatively new so forgot to add a "Length? About a foot from my waist to the bed."
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 21:43, 2 replies)
Starting something you couldn't finish
It's taken me a while to think of something to write for this as the great stories always seem to have wit, a twist or something just plain nasty so for once I thought I'll come up with something that is going to get in the news letter but now the question is closed I'll never get round to finishing my epic tale.

Ah well, guess I should answer the right question in the right week.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 20:30, Reply)

I posted something last week and forgot to mention it wasn't my own work.

I did the QOTW wrong
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 19:20, Reply)
I wasn't aware that only those with verifiable English bloodlines going back to before 1066 were allowed to make...
...negative comments regarding immigration - it turns out I was wrong and all those that do bless us with their comments ARE in fact 100% English and therefore have well considered opinions about the matter with which they can illuminate our mongrel 'minds'.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 18:22, 1 reply)
Decades of my assumptions regarding the use of pavements were recently overturned.
I simply hadn't been aware of the agreement to share them between pedestrians and the 4x4's of school-run mothers - though the subject has been clarified to me recently.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 18:18, 2 replies)
I always used to look in my mirrors then indicate when changing lanes on motorways and dual-carriageways.
Apparently neither of these practices are beneficial in any way and will not aid in safe transit of everyone after all. Thank you to all those that have made this clear to me.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 18:14, Reply)
I always thought that religious-types were simply in need of guidance and comfort...
...turns out they're just mentally subnormal - silly me!
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 18:11, Reply)
I recently politely explained to a colleague that a short strong coffee isn't an 'expresso'...
...but an 'espresso' - how embarrassed he looked, both of us knowing for certain that he was the only person in history to make this simple but BLOODY IRRITATING error.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 18:08, Reply)
The clitoris
I always thought that you were supposed to rub it. Turns out you are supposed to flick it like a bean. Whatever the hell that means. I think I am still doing it wrong. Oh well, I always manage to get my release...
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 17:49, 2 replies)
washing machine
my one and only DIY fail, brought to you courtesy of interruptions and MASSIVE DRUGS.

my landlord/housemate had a new washing machine delivered to replace the ageing one that had finally eaten it's last sock. this delivered, i was on a day off, a rare thing between shifts, and being onto the last serviceable pair of undercrackers and least stinky teeshirt, i was in dire need. he grudgingly agreed to let me install the beast, after my protestations of 'i'm not a retard man, ffs, it's a washing machine, done this many times! (true)

as i re-entered the kitchen, i realised that there was an odd clanking noise, over the sound of socks gurgling round in the suds in our new washer.
bemused, i paused the cycle, and opened the door.
as the tide of suds flowed across the floor, i realised the noise was the drainage hose, placed neatly atop the instructions and guarantee, in the drum.
i attribute this massive oversight on my part to the rather generously proportioned spliff i'd consumed in bed just before the doorbell ringing to herald the beasts arrival.
my conclusion is this. as much as i am a staunch supporter of the devils herb and it's free useage, i have to concede that it's probably not a good idea to use it before, or during, doing things you need to do right first time.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 17:15, Reply)
my iphone
i loved my new iphone. he was shiny and tactile and sleek and sexy. and even i could use him. but i did not want him to get scratched, so i ordered a cover from the internet. when it turned up, not only was it alarmingly, retina-searingly pink, but it didn't cover the screen and it had holes in all the wrong places. i was getting increasingly fed up as every time i wanted to charge the (now gay) iphone or take a photograph i had to wrestle it out of the case.

after about 3 weeks my trainee saw me doing this and looked at me with the kind of slightly disgusted pity that you normally only see on the faces of tourists looking at the homeless. he took it off me. he took the cover off it. he turned it around. he put it back on the right way. so that the random holes actually allowed for things like the camera and the charging cable.

we never spoke of it again.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 16:50, 8 replies)
Little did i know...
I still remember using a urinal in the first bar I ever went into.

Being the oldest child in my family I didn't get the privilege of using an older brother's id to sneak into a pub/bar. So upon arrival in Australia, where the drinking age is a year lower than back home I practically kicked the doors down at the nearest bar. After many drinks were drank off I went to the men's room. Now I'm used to the stereotypical wrap around and give you privacy sort of urinal found in schools and libraries, so I was a little startled to see the trough. This one in particular was so bizarre to me i had to stop and think about how to operate it. Let me try to describe it to you... basically a wall of stainless steel with water flowing down it (I've since found that the water transfers the stream downwards to prevent splash back) and a grate that you stand on with more water flowing to the drain under it. Well I didn't want to muck up the pretty stainless steel trough by getting my dirty shoes all over it. So I stood well back, down the step, and basically pushed as hard as I could to get enough force to make it over the step, and over the grate and onto the back wall.

Fortunately there wasn't anyone in the room with me for all but the last trip of the night. There I was, like a red faced baboon, back arched, pushing for all I was worth when my buddy stepped up on the grate and looked over at me like wtf are you doing? I nearly died.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 16:41, 1 reply)
naivety on honeymoon
Marrying young and Mrs. nimrodihnio being an innocent to the ways of the flesh was no barrier to shagging practically nonstop for 10 days.
When I asked to introduce a little 'variety' to our lovemaking and suggested ‘why don't we do it the other way?' she recoiled in horror and that she would never ever do that.
I asked what had brought on such an extreme reaction on she said her mother had drunkenly warned her at our wedding reception that men, like a dirty farmer soon get bored 'ploughing one furrow' and want to do it the ‘other way’ and if I ever asked she was to refuse vehemently as proper girls did not do it that way.
So I said ‘what the matter doesn’t she want any grandchildren?

yes, its a joke
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 16:32, 4 replies)
Being a MAN.
Some say that being a man is paying your bills, doing right by those around you, and always standing your round. And some say that being a man is about the amount of technology you have stuffed into your living room. All I know is, it's not all that.

At work I'm surrounded by urban survivalist types who regularly walk into the Peak District of a weekend with little more than a couple of twigs and a paper bag, guys who have Mig welders for at-home car repairs because they don't trust mechanics, and the spotty types who can make computers sit up and beg instead of just pleading with them in the vain hope you won't have to turn them off an on again for the nth time that day.

All I have is a habit of watching Ray Mears on TV religiously, a soldering iron which remains unused as lead vapour from the solder makes me sneeze, and a laptop which works after a fashion.

I can't help but think that somehow, I'm getting being a MAN wrong.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 16:24, 14 replies)
the other day
after a particularly fruitless tube platform-based attempt to plug my headphones into my wallet, i realised i need a fucking holiday.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 16:11, 1 reply)
I'm a grown man...
I have to stop and think which direction is East or West, I'm not bad with geography or maps but I just can't automatically work out which direction is which.

I always have to stop and think really quickly in my head, "Never Eat Shreddied Wheat". Always...

I think I must have learned it when I was about 5 in Primary school.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 16:01, 13 replies)
The 3 Rs
Reading, writing, and arithmetic.

It took me until I was in my 20's to understand that they were 'the 3 Rs' because of the phoneme at the beginning of each word and not the actual letter.

I was very, very confused as a child when people spoke of them.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 15:59, 18 replies)
I'm pretty smart
and can reason my way through some technical stuff; I think Im logical about things and can work stuff out. But 2 things fuck with me royally.

1) time zones. I understand why, but I get so confused trying to work them out.

2) Relatives; if Im reading a book and it mentions an "Aunt" or "cousin" I have to stop and work out how the family tree works; its just not intuitive to me. (This is causing some grief as Im re reading the "Song of fire and Ice" series)
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 15:46, 5 replies)
i mean how can anybody else know if what you are doing is wrong surely it is your own opinion about if you are wrong on not is what counts apart from murder and shit like that
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 14:56, 22 replies)
could actually be a top tip aswell
I am right handed. In the morning when I shave I used to hold the shaving foam can in my right hand and collect the foam in my left. Then transfer the foam from my left hand to my right before lathering the face. Now I hold the can in my left hand and spray the foam directly into my right thus saving me valuable fractions of a second in my morning routine.

and I think that is probably the most boring story i've ever told
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 14:45, 9 replies)
Swimming pool disaster...
I'd heard that the local swimming pool was a good place to pick-up ladies and mentioned to a friend of mine that I was going to give it a go.
"If you really want to impress them," he advised, "stick a decent sized potato down your Speedos - never fails."
So I did - and got laughed out of the pool!
As I fled back to the changing rooms I bumped into my so-called friend.
"You and your crazy ideas - everybody's laughing at me!" I yelled.
"You're supposed to put the potato down the FRONT of your trunks." he replied.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 14:32, 6 replies)
I can never remember whether to cut
The BLUE wire, or the RED one.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 14:07, 6 replies)

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