b3ta.com user unholysmoke
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» The Onosecond

Here's one
Recent-ex, I and new girl all in the living room at my place, where she's come to stay (bad decision, that), watching telly.

She plays with her phone for a few seconds. Suddenly mine buzzes. Look at her, look at phone. She softly moans, "Oh fuuuuuuuuck...."

The text reads 'Yeah I'm there now. New gf=nasty. He still wants me though'.

We all clocked what had happened at the same time. I'll never forget the looks that passed between the three of us just then.

New girl never ever mentioned it in two years, but she knew. Oh, she knew.

Did I still want her? No comment....
(Thu 26th May 2005, 23:49, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

You might have heard this one before,
but once I brought a cup of tea up to my son's room, and walked in to find him tossing himself off, 'phones on and eyes shut.

So I held the teacup just under his bobby's helmet, caught a nice wodge of man milk as he spooged, stirred it in a bit, left it on his desk and scarpered.
(Fri 4th Jun 2004, 1:22, More)

» Weird Traditions

In response to the 'has been' effort
every big family dinner we have (there are a few) my dad will flick a pea off his plate and say 'what's that?'

Everyone will roll their eyes, curse their own birth and chorus 'an escapee'.
(Fri 29th Jul 2005, 11:40, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Was at Edinburgh Castle
when fat merkin woman asks me why they didn't build Buckingham palace closer to the Loogybaroogy airport.

I smashed her face in with a spade. It went 'spang.'
(Sun 10th Jul 2005, 19:40, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Aaaaah Carlos. Poor bloke. He positively asked for everything we did to him on campus.

Anyone remember NetBus? Trojan-based proggy that allowed complete remote access to someone's machine, as long as you'd run the client program and disabled their virus scanner. We did all this.

Then we started uploading .wav files of screaming ghosts to the naive jittery young fella and playing them. Knowing I was tech-savvy he started talking to me on MSN, evidently very worried. So we took control of his keyboard, and began typing "carlos" into it. (We were pissed, best we could think of.) It was great getting messages from him:

"Ben, anCarlosy idea whaCarlost it is?"

We didn't know he had a big history exam the next day. He was so terrified of the 'ghosts' in his machine he refused to sleep in his room, even after turning it off (we did that for him a few times too...). He got about 3 hours sleep and flunked horrifically.
(Wed 11th May 2005, 23:57, More)
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