» My Wanking Disasters

Read the "quotes" in a Scottish accent, they'll be funnier.
The place - Central Scotland. The time - mid 1970's.
From ages 11 to 15-ish my best mate was a fella nicknamed Dusty, I won't use his real name in order to spare any embarrasment. Dusty also hung around with a grotty little kid called Jamesie Stewart, Jamesie lived on a nasty council estate and my mum forbid me to hang around with him as he was "nasty and common". Dusty used to tell me all sorts of foul stories about this chap and his equally grotty family. Best one being this -
One night Dusty was having a sleepover at Jamesie's, come bed time they were in bunk beds, Dusty in the top one, his host in the lower. During the preceeding evening they had entertained themselves by playing 'kiss, cuddle or torture' (or 'kiss chase' if you prefer) the main object of pursuit being Jamesie's older sister. She was a couple of years older than the boys and, I guarantee you, not a comely wench by any means.
Having been asleep for awhile, Dusty was awakened by the unmistakeable sensation of someone fondling his dick, sat bolt upright in bed about to defend his honour when he realised it was Jamesie's big sister. The bold lass proceeded to climb up onto the bed and in the course of time relieved young Dusty of his virginity. This being done, she headed back off to her own room.
Cut to the next morning. Jamesie and Dusty eating coco pops in the kitchen, Jamesie is eyeing a mute Dusty with a knowing look. Eventually in an attempt to clear the air Dusty says "er....so....em....did you sleep alright last night?". Jamesies replies with "I heard you and my sister, you dirty bastard, if that's what you mean". There is an extended silence which Dusty breaks with a half heartedly apologetic "er, sorry man.....um....you know". To which the immortal reply came "ach, don't worry about it, I was having a wank myself !".

Class.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 9:26, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Hot batter.
My ex-wife (well she wasn't my ex at the time)slipped on some stairs and broke her arm.
After the cast came off I was made to spend a lot of time rubbing 'deep heat' ointment into her arm to ease the muscle pain.
This normally happened last thing at night.
One night the massaging of her arm progressed into something a bit more sensual. My ex wasn't terribly into sex so whenever the opportunity arose, I'd go for it quickly before she changed her mind.
A few seconds later whilst touching her front bottom parts, she started to moan and writhe. Result! I thought, she's finally responding to my manly touch. Alas no, I still had remnants 'deep heat' on my hands.
We didn't have a bath in that apartment, just a shower cubicle. Till my dying day I will never forget the sight of her sitting in the bottom of the shower (with the plughole bunged up with bog roll so that the water wouldn't drain away) wearing a look of sheer misery.
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 10:41, More)

» Dad Jokes

kill me now
My Dad is a veritable fountain of crap jokes, crap sayings and crap poems. He's also faintly racist in that naive kind of way that only the post WW2 generation can be.
Some examples -
1.Upon hearing someone in a bar/restaurant dropping glasses or crockery -
"Sack the juggler!"

2. If someone in the room coughs -
"It's not the cough that carries you off
it's the coffin they carry you off in".

3. If out on a drive and he sees a hill (very frequent this one, he lives in Scotland) -
"On yonder hill there stood a coo,
it moved awa' it's no there noo".

4. If one is ever stupid enough, on getting past him in the hallway for instance, to utter the polite request "excuse me please" -
He will promptly lock you in a bear hug shouting "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME".

5. Upon sighting anyone of dark skinned ethnic origin -"Oooh, somebody's overdone it on the sun bed".

6.Anywhere with stuffed and mounted animal heads (lots of hotels in Scotland with deer heads above the fireplace) -
"It must have been going a helluva lick when it hit that wall!".

I love him but he's a pain in the arse.

I've been a father myself for over 18 years now, I've done my utmost not to turn into him. But - can I walk past a fishtank in a restaurant without pointing at the biggest and saying "I'll have that one"?
Can I like fu ck.
(Thu 11th Dec 2003, 10:21, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

Billy.
The most pointless game ever.
Normally practised from the safety of a moving car, the game is played by shouting the name 'Billy' in an exaggerated estuary accent, at anybody, in an effort to get them to look round.
Can be played as a pedestrian, but that lacks the whole hit and run aspect that being in a car lends it.
Most succesful 'Billy' ever was at Alton Towers last year, got practicallly the whole queue to look up as we were being winched up the log flume.
(Mon 29th Mar 2004, 19:35, More)

» Singing the wrong words

Nelly Fartudo
I'm like a bird -
always in a mood.
(Wed 2nd Feb 2005, 10:38, More)