b3ta.com user hazey
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» The Onosecond

a lad i know
sent one of those pop up network messages to his mate saying he had an 'arsehole like the back of batmans car' after a curry/beer eveing they'd had the previous night. as his mate was doing a big powerpoint presentation to the head honchos of the company.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 13:43, More)

» Toilets

I stopped at a motorway service station
once to go for a piss. It was one of those long tiled wall with trough at the bottom affairs. it was reasonably busy so I'm stood having a piss. Bloke next to me is also having a piss, both adopting the stare-at-tile-directly-in-front-of-face-as-if-it's-interesting approach. Then, what i presume was his son, who was about the 8/9 mark strolls up (not to piss) and just stands right bang next to me while staring at my cock (he was about japs-eye level and max of 10 inches distance from it). Obviously this is rather embarrassing for all but im continuing pissing while dad glances round in very embarrassed fashion picking up on my 'help me out here' glance, hoping his son would pick up on his glares and move along. son just kept staring at my cock until the dad is forced to say a curt 'Jamie! Stop it!'
The dad and I exchanged a shared embarrassed look with regards the whole affair and went off our seperate ways.
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 12:59, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

i was rather prolific with wanking in my youth.
i got caught more than once but i only found out the other year that my sister walked in on me thrapping away in front of an episode of 'voyage to the bottom of the sea'. not using it as stimulus, though. she proceeded to tell my mam and dad, mam being horrified, but my dad (who never talks about personal things) simply said 'leave the boy alone'. cheers dad.
i used to have to walk our 2 labradors for an hour a night after school, down the beach (fucking boring and cold). i used to wank in the sand dunes and in the little abandonded shelters. caught many times by passing strangers. perfected the art of wanking under my large coat.
i also successfully wanked under a kagool on a return coach trip from alton towers, and in classes numerous times at school. my record wank amount was roughly 20 times in one day. i sat in my bedroom one night and figured if i counted to 20 after spuffing, i could start again. so did. repeatedly. after this marathon session i returned to the lounge where my mam commented on me being flushed and if i was coming down with a virus (i acted ill to avoid suspicion). the 20 times day made my chap very sore indeed (it bled), but not to be put off, i simply lubed up with plenty of spittle and wanked through the pain.
in later life i had a wank while driving down the M74 out of boredom (its usually quiet so you can get away with it).
sorry for length, but i love wanking me.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 12:59, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

i haven't
but i have been asked if i was looking before. one of the most odd was when living in glasgow. it was a lovely sunny day, a sunday, so i thought i'd pop down to glasgow green with a big carton of ribena, some strawberries, a book and my minidisc player. found a nice seat, put my headphones in and got stuck into my book. felt a shadow looming over me as i was drifting off to sleep. before me stood an absolute horror of a woman, who was saying something. took headphones out to get the 'ya looking for business?'. i was gobsmacked, i just wanted to say, 'DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE IM LOOKING FOR BUSINESS! Im a 24 year old bloke, I am reading with headphones in on a sunny day at 12 clock in a park while drifting to sleep, IS THAT A SIGN THAT IM ON THE PROWL FOR A VILE CRACK-ADDLED EAST END WHORE?' but could only manange a meek 'err, no' while putting my headphones back in and praying she went away.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 13:47, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

when i was an ill teenager
i was in hospital. i had to go for a full torso ultrasound test. i got wheeled off to a low-lit room with a very pretty nurse/doctor/operator woman in it. she proceeded to cover me in that jelly (which is also really cold) right down to the very borderline of my pubic thatch. then she rubbed the scanner thing over me and it took all the willpower i could muster to prevent getting a lob on, especially as it would have been very visible in my lightweight pyjama bottoms.
still wanked about it for years after though.
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 13:02, More)
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