» Rock and Roll Stories

There must be a God...
When I was about 17, my band and I played a gig at a pub in Stoke Newington called the Samuel Beckett.

In those days, I was in a hard rock band. A very hard rock band. Anyway, we set up our gear, soundchecked and then played the waiting game at the bar.

8pm. The pub is empty.

9pm. Still no one in the pub.

10pm. Just as we are about to cut our losses and go home (who wants to play to an empty room...) the door opens and the place literally fills up.

Only problem was that one quick look around at the 7ft tall dreadlocked crowd told you that the Samuel Beckett was clearly a hardcore reggae pub. Oh, and a very intimidating 'Yardie' hangout...

They wanted their entertainment. However, we were slightly concerned that upon hearing the first 5 seconds of our heavy metal power chords, we would fall victim to a spray of Uzi bullets.

Shaking like leafs in our black leather bikers jackets and Megadeth t-shirts, we nervously went on stage having agreeed to "reggae up" our material as much as musically possible. This was easier said than done.

But for some inexplicable reason, they loved us. We played the entire set without a single firearm being discharged. Not even one can of Red Stripe was hurled at us. Instead there was roaring applause at the end of every power-ballad and over-indulgent guitar solo.

I hear the place is now some kind of trendy Spanish tapas / salsa bar (which is bloody rubbish, if you ask me).
(Fri 30th Jun 2006, 12:32, More)

» Pet Peeves

Crocs
and the people who wear them.

End.
(Sat 3rd May 2008, 8:59, More)

» Weddings

One of my bestest friend's wedding....
I gave myself 5 hours to drive from London to Bournemouth one hot August Saturday.

But of course every bugger in London had decided to get out of town that morning. Cue traffic jams galore.

So my car overheats twice before I've even left London. I feed it three litres of Evian.

Didn't have time to check-in to my hotel and get changed, so I stopped of at a service station on the M27 to put on my suit. Only to discover it had been ruined by the dry cleaners.

Undeterred, I set off on the final stretch of my journey. After several more traffic jams and 'Evian stops', I reach the venue. 50 yards away from the entrance to the venue, a farmer appears in the middle of the road with his hand in the air. I screech to halt, and see him let about 500 cows cross the road very slowly.

I missed the ceremony but got there in time for the photos, so it looked like I'd been there all along. Except in my ruined suit, I also looked like I'd been sat on by a hairy white cat.

And needless to say, my friend wasn't too impressed when I shook hands with her new husband (who I'd never met before) and left greasy black car stains on his hand.

Got suitably wankered afterwards though, which was nice.
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 17:17, More)

» Pet Peeves

Small Pointless Trolley Cases
People who walk through the underground during rush hour pulling those fucking trolley cases along even though the case itself is about the size of a book and can't possibly weigh more than a kilo and the handle is long enough to trip over any poor bastard the c**t happens to be walking past! DAMN THESE SHITTY PEOPLE IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE!!
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 13:30, More)

» When Animals Attack

KITTEN!
My kitten is cute little thing. Sweet, fluffy, playful, etc.

But if you ever pick her up to put her in her cat box to go to the vet, she becomes somewhat different. Evil, some might say.

She once went into such a fit that she left a rather deep 4 inch scratch all the way down my wrist. Which scarred.

Now every time I go out wearing shortsleeves I always catch the new person I'm talking to making a quick glance towards my wrist, followed swiftly by a "ohmygod he's tried to kill himself" face.

Once - in that precise situation - I came out straight away with: "tell you what, buy me another drink or I'll cut the other one". I've never seen such a look of horror before or since.
(Sun 27th Apr 2008, 22:05, More)