» My Wanking Disasters

Oh the shame - the horrible horrible shame!
*Sob*
I'm crying with the shame of this story...

One day when I was a nipper I was going through my most furious fist and the furious stage (a billion times a day or something). Well anyway I had a thing for Jet from Gladiators (the shame)and had recorded the previous nights episode on my massive video. Anyway while watching it Jet was about to do her speciality - the over head rings thing - and I defy any man to not find that a turn on! Feeling randy I watched her lift her right leg really high in the air! Being well turned on I paused the video and proceeded to thrash one out.
So I had my trousers round my ankles and was stood in front of the TV, well into the vinegar strokes when my door swung open and there was my Dad!!!! Shit! As I was facing the door there was no way he couldn't tell what I was doing! Within the same second our extremely excitable dog barged into the room and jumped up at me at the very same time my purple monster spurted my man milk! The dog got it full in the face and I fell backwards onto the bed, cock in hand!
My Dad was bright red and tried to chase the dog out of the room while I started crying and tried to hide my shame! Burying my face in the pillow I really really wanted to die....
then out of the quiet and my muffled sobs I heard my Dad say "I prefer Lightning to that Jet" then he closed the door!
Sometime later I ventured downstairs and into the kitchen fearing laughs and ridicule only to be greeted with the sight of my Dad washing the Dog out in the yard!!!!!

Dad I salute you!
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 10:05, More)

» Weddings

I love Newcastle and its skip rats
Last year I was working in this small restaurant clapped onto the side of this pub in a very charvery area. The restaurant was nice enough and I was often working the weekends doing split shifts.

Came in on a sunday morning to be told there was a wedding reception being held in the restaurant. So I walked through ready to start work to be greeted by the union of two skip rat families. The bride was the first thing I saw... I say thing because she was a clear winner of Miss Cancer Face Burn Victim Uglyness UK.

There she was fat as they come with her feet up on the table swinging the chair on two legs, her tiara was wonky and she had a gravy stain on the mammoth tit part of her net curtain dress. Clutched in her meat hook was a barcadi breezer with a pink straw in it (for special occasions). Surrounded by bridesmaids you would usually find stood about in the bus stops of toon.

The groom was covered in tattoos but was actually quite a nice guy. Unfortuntaly for him he had decided of an early age to do his own tattoos with a needle and biro ink, so they all appeared dirty blue and said things like "Dazza".

I set to work clearing the chicken dinner plates away from next to the bride when she delivers the immortal line...
"I'm fucking sick of me dress man, I'm fucking sweatin me tits off." she then picks up a bit off yorkshire pudding and lobs it at "Dazza", he turns round and she says
"Dazza man fucking gan get us anuva drink man its me wedding daaayy" which warrants the reply
"fuck off yee lazy bitch"

The conversation continued in this hilarious vein till late into the night. Eventually they were turfed out back to byker but not till I was greeted to the sight of the head bridecharver getting pied by the grooms brother against the window whilst finishing her pint!

Skip rats I salute you!
(Fri 15th Jul 2005, 15:33, More)

» Hidden Treasure

definately not treasure......
Whilst enjoying a night of sex with my now bitch ex something felt different inside. Couldn't quite put my finger on what it was but it didn't feel normal, imagine my surprise when it turned out to be a condom jammed up inside.
Funny that since we didn't use them and she'd been out the night before "having a girlie night at her mates house"... the excuses I got were great!
(Fri 1st Jul 2005, 11:09, More)

» Shame

My shame has been on display for years
In no particular order:
- Once when going down on a girlfriend I had my arse sticking right up in the air and just as she was about to orgasm I let out the loudest, stinkiest fart ever. Immediate end to any possible sex
- Same girlfriend, different time, was enjoying a 69 when all of a sudden she stops what she's doing and announces "You've got a massive winnit caught in your arse hair"... Massive amounts of shame
- In school I carried around a cut out of a page 3 girl who I thought looked like my form teacher. I wrote her name on the top and used to stare it with young wide eyes, till the day she took it off me and went bright red when she saw her name at the top.
- Last Sunday I went Ice Skating with mates, started showing off and tried to pull off a hockey stop. Fucked up, crashed into a tiny little girl and fell on my face. Looked up and realised I'd done it in front of the fittest girl ever. Triple shame.
- After a night out on x a few week ago was totally wrecked and discovered by my mates in their bathroom having a nice bubble bath in all my clothes drinking fosters.
- My greatest wanking disaster (see 2nd story from the top of the wanking stories question of the week)
- Got caught by one of my mates standing in front of the kitchen window staring at my reflection, flexing my muscles and chanting I am the Son of Kong. I have no idea why I did that.
- Got busted beating one out over myfriendshotmom.com the other day by my visiting mum
- Got thrown of the bus home after a heavy night out for asking an old woman if she had ever wanked off a goose

The shame goes on and on. However, after reading the worlds sickest joke qotw I told my mate the joke about the bloke who claims he could have any woman in the bar because he's a rapist. He thought it was the best joke ever and told it too loads of people. One night after a night out he went to a mates house party, after double dropping he trotted that joke out in front of a room full of people he didn't know. As he gave the punchline the room went deathly quiet. He skitzed right out and went outside for a fag, after a few mins his mate joined him and quickly informed him that his flatmate had been raped in Greece the last summer and she had run upstairs crying!!!

Hahahahaha the shame! Brilliant!
-
(Fri 25th Nov 2005, 14:56, More)

» Petty Sabotage

One day
I got angry with filly that I had been bonking so proceeded to tamper with her oscillating sex aid. Armed with the secret weapons of chocolate, a nail file and 22.5 inches of red from the pick and mix I rigged the thing to blow. My handywork was undetectable as she fondled its purple rubberyness, and with a certain degree of numbskullery she jammed it in her pastrami curtains.
Success I cried as the motor roared into life and drove the weapon of sodomy right up inside her. Quick as a flash I grabbed a 2 by 4 and nailed it between her legs so the bomb was hidden away inside. The resulting explosion triggered a fanny fart so powerful she travelled right round the moon and off into a black hole.
It would be the last time a wench would even think of trying to outsmart this genius of fox like quality.
(Fri 6th May 2005, 15:03, More)