b3ta.com user Super Oaf
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» Cringe!

The girlfriend
A christmas a while ago she had friends over and her family were all there. For some reason or other they were rhyming things, like "pass the fork, stork" "peas please", "ham shazam" etc, you get the idea...

...a few minutes later her father rhymed when passing something across the table "there you go, woah!"

The reply that stopped time...

"Thank you wank-you"

I almost ate the tablecloth when I heard it
(Thu 27th Nov 2008, 19:24, More)

» Scars with history

About the age of 8 I was playing at school
And some fool in the year below (I think) leaped on my back and i sort of swung round and my right arm connected with his face in some bizarre fashion.

The next thing I know he is lying on the floor screaming so hard it attracts the attention of a dinner lady. Who has to stop herself being sick. Blood pissing out of the kid's mouth and two front teeth missing.

Everyone (including me) looks for the teeth (why?) until something itches my hand, so i scratch the itch and there is blood everywhere. I trace where the blood is coming from....

"Miss" says I, with panic in my voice, "I've found his teeth"

They were sticking out of my arm, along with some sub-cutaneous fat and loads of blood. Of course at the dight of this I cried like the big jessie I am. And the dinner lady was finally sick.

Basically his teeth had gone through his bottom lip and into my arm, getting stuck and ripping out of his head. I have a 3 inch scar on the outside of my right forearm.

It got infected as hell, probably beacuse I always took the dressing off to show other kids at school!
(Fri 4th Feb 2005, 11:09, More)

» Hypocrisy

I'm giving up believing in Jesus for Lent
(Wed 25th Feb 2009, 10:49, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Jesus, everyone complains about pikey scum rocking up and parking their theif addled caravan camps in the middle of rural Wiltshire but as soon as they get out the dodgems and rat burgers people flock to them like flies round s**t!

It's like hating rats but loving pidgeons!

You know some of those f***ing rides cost over a million pounds?! Do you?! Do you know how they afford them? By stealing and avoiding paying fucking taxes, that's how, you c***s!

F**k off you pikey s***s!
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 15:00, More)

» Shit Stories

Imodium couldn't TOUCH it
About a month ago I got food poisoning from a dodgy curry. A couple of days later I couldn't go 20 minutes without having to run to the loo to shit watery jets into the loo. Coupled with farts this produces a somewhat "pebbledashed" effect.

I ended up playing a game of rugby for my team in the same week, despite being so ill I could hardly stand, couldn't stop shivering and was white as a sheet and weak as a kitten.

In the end I had to drive home (newcastle to newbury!!) stopping quite literally at EVERY services on the M1 to use the facilities. Eventually, after a week and a half of torture (and a severly shredded ring - I was wiping more blood than poo) I got antibiotics and got better.

Net result? Lost a stone in a week and a half.
(Wed 5th May 2004, 23:02, More)
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