b3ta.com user Tom Jones's Mojo
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» Accidental animal cruelty

Frog Wars
When I was a young-un, there was this large-ish pond in the woods near our house. Each year, for some un-known reason, the pond used get full with hundreds of frogs. You could just plunge you hand in an almost always come out with a frog.

Being gentle, kind-hearted kids we came up with a great game "Frog Wars". Frog wars basically involved throwing frogs at each other whist running around the pond. There weren't really any rules, you just had to throw frogs at someone.

During one particular game, I hurled a frog right across thge pond at another kid. It was one of those perfect throws that you just knew was going to hit its mark. The world almost stood still as the frog-weapon arced above the water towards my target. Unfortunately for him, he happened to be shouting just at the point of impact and my aim was true. It wasn't just a head shot but a mouth shout. The frog landed right in his mouth. It was probably one of the funniest / most disgusting things I have ever seen. The poor kid screamed and vomited on the spot.

This was to be the end of Frog wars. I think that he went home and told his mum and we all got a bollocking.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 14:24, More)

» Ripped Off

I'm such a sucker and would happily buy some magic beans if someone offered to sell me some.

A few years ago I got a letter from some company saying that I was going to be included in a book called "Who's Who of Britain's Young Business Elite" (I own my own company you see). To get a personalised listing and a copy of the book I had to pay them something like £60.

Being the complete sucker I am, I duly sent off my £60. Low and behold, a month or 2 later, the book arrived. It obviously had sod all to do with the real Who's Who books and was simply some dodgy company getting a list of company directors from Companies House and spamming them all.

I occasionally come across it on the bookshelf and it reminds me of what a tosser I am.
(Thu 15th Feb 2007, 16:56, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

18 years for a few extra shags
I agreed to have a baby in order to get more action from the missus.

I expected at least 6 months of frantic banging before anything happend. Only took 2 goes.

Damn my fertile loins.
(Mon 16th Apr 2007, 16:51, More)

» The Onosecond

When I was in my 6th form of school (far too long ago now) the 6th form common room was in a seperate small old building from the rest of the main school. One day two little machines (about the size of a shoe box) appeared in there which seemed to be sampling the air. Me and a mate thought it would be really funny to tamper with them and broke of some small bits from these asbestos type boards that were behind the radiators (they were like the ones you used to put your bunsen burner on. We then crumbled these bits into the bit of the machines that were obviously sucking in the air.

After this I just went home for lunch thinking nothing more of it. Later that day I got a very panicky call from my fellow saboteur saying that the building had been evacuated and shut. I went up to the school and there was red tap over the door saying "Hazardous - do not enter". The machines had recorded massive levels of asbestos in the atmosphere. Within 6 months, the building had been demolished and re-built.

I bricked it for about 6 months after that, convinced I was at least going to get expelled or sent to jail or something. Luckily niether happened. And we got a brand spanking new common room!
(Fri 27th May 2005, 16:56, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

Local crazy
In the village I live in there is this old chap who is always around and is pretty eccentric as he is often seen wearing a dress and begging for money (he always claims that he has a leak in his roof and the cash is for that - yeah right).

He comes out with some pretty fanciful stories and I think that many of the folks in the village just humour him but I swear that some of them actually belive his tales.

There is one particular story that I've heard him tell a few times which seems very far-fetched to me, hence this post. He says he has this mate who is always around the place (I've never seen him) and who has done a lot of travelling as he seems to have been everywhere at some point in time (maybe he was in the navy or something).

Apparantly a good few years ago his mate was in a foreign country (he never said where but I think that it was somewhere hot and not known for its leniency) and he managed to knock up this local bird who was already married. This did not go down so well with the locals but he managed to wriggle his way out of it and did a runner.

Anyway, this kid is eventually born and, growing up with an absent father, becomes a bit of a tearaway, causing all sorts of trouble and eventually becoming leader of this gang. They used to get wasted on the local brew and get up to all sorts.

Before long, the authorities got fed up with this gang and slung him in jail. At the time, there must have been some sort of coup as the whole place was run by the military. As the story goes, this country had a pretty poor human rights record and this chap was treated so badly while he was locked that he actually died in custody.

This is where the real bullshitting starts but the local crazy swears that it is true. Apparantly, the authorities wanted to cover this all up (they didn't want Amnesty International all over them) so they hid his body hoping that people would think that he just ran off. All kind of believable so far I guess. However, he goes on to say that a few days later the 'dead' guy just woke up and walked away. Assuming that the authorities would do him in again, the chap quickly made himself scarce and tracked down his long-lost dad and went into hiding with him. I would imagine it must have been a pretty uncomfortable reconciliation between the 2 of them, considering his dad was a serial shagger of married women and then buggered off and left him to his fate.

Call me cynical, but I smell bull!
(Sat 15th Jan 2011, 17:06, More)
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