» Out of my depth

receptionist
i was an administrator for a few weeks and one day all the receptionists were off. i was roped in, 18 years old, no superior, no experience, no people skills, terrible phone manner, general incompetence. managing the switchboard for the 400 or so people in the building, ordering taxis but forgetting to get a name so had to tannoy "taxi for russian people is waiting at the front entrance", making accidental tannoy announcements of "hello, i'm fubar, how may i help you?", dialing tannoy, making announcement, forgetting number that cuts off tannoy. cutting people off, forgetting the company name, putting main phoneline on silent then forgetting about it. kept saying the right words in the wrong order then swearing or laughing down the phone. also had to press a button to lift the gate into the carpark when a car wants to get in. the queue obstructed traffic.
(Thu 14th Oct 2004, 21:26, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

oh god, where to begin?
i'm worried about handing the world over to the next generation, anyone that wears such ridiculous things obviously can't handle it. i think clubs are the best place to reinforce this opinion. i loathe text language, i quote jane austen at people, i have a general distaste for socialising, i buy my clothes at the supermarket because its cheap and good quality, i keep bits of cardboard just in case, i think postage stamps can be quite interesting, i love the antiques roadshow, i like radio 2(except jeremy vine, he's a prat), i can't stand scott mills, i keep shopping bags because they're handy, i'm never without a piece of string, anyone wearing anything that says fcuk is to be avoided at all costs, i hate shopping unless it's for books (is it me, or are all department stores ridiculously hot?), i'm considering buying my third pair of the same shoes because they're so comfortable, i hoard pens, i like countdown, i have a notebook for things i remember when i'm out but will forget when i get home and all my papers are meticulously organised. all people in any way involved with reality tv, pop music, speak like that westwood guy, roll up one trouser leg, wear a hat sideways, bare their midriff and or thong, have something written on their ass, have a shaved head with the fringe left over, buy celebrity biographies or spell thanks with an x should be rounded up, loaded onto the b ark and shipped off to their very own Fintlewoodlewix.
I'm a grumpy old man trapped in the body of a 19 year-old female student.
(Thu 28th Oct 2004, 18:30, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

push pop
a friend of mine from school won our "best reason for a trip to A&E" contest with this little encounter. when she was younger she had quite a sweet tooth and regularly applied all her childlike persistance in consuming as much as possible. naturally, this meant that she developed a hearty dedication in extracting ALL the candy sweetness from the latest playground craze- the push pop. you could never get the last bit out, it was stuck in the plastic thing and no amount of licking would finish it. so she sucked. she sucked and sucked and sucked and sucked. and found her lips were stuck. she went to the only person who fixes such things, her mum. two hours later, her mum had pulled and twisted and lubricated and yanked- to no avail. fatigue and the muffled cries of her offspring convinced mum that they must brave the trip to A&E, where the poor little girl had to sit for another two hours with her face stuck in a candy treat, enduring the stares and amused expressions of staff and patients alike.
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 18:14, More)

» Toilets

recurring toilet dream
I have a recurring dream in which toilet cubicles are really really really long but the normal width so you lock the door behind you and then walk for about a minute and then you reach the toilet. But even more disconcerting than that, the door and cubicle walls only reach waist height. And the rows of toilets are back to back. And the room that the toilets are in is always really big with very high ceilings, almost some kind of toilet hangar. so you lock the door behind you and turn to make the trek to your toilet and all you can see is a line of people sitting in the distance, each on their own toilet, some facing you, some facing away, and the occassional person mid-trek. god forbid you accidentally enter your cubicle at the same time as someone near enters theirs because then you'll have to walk to the toilets and it looks like you're with them when in fact it's all a horrible mistake. and in the dreams i know this is the normal toilet set-up but still i'm feeling all the discomfort of communal defecation and no one else seems to think it at all strange. and the expanse of wasted corridory cubicle for some reason strikes terrible fear in my heart.
i'll just lie on this couch shall i?
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 23:47, More)

» Pure Ignorance

The British Isles
a few years ago in standard grade history, this conversation took place between the teacher and a rather amusingly named gob of a girl called pamela anderson.
teacher: britain had the biggest navy because britain is an island and needed the protection.
pam: britain's not an island!
teacher: uh, yeah it is.
pam: no way is britain an island.
everyone: uh, yeah it is.
pam: no way is britain an island.

this went on for some time until a world map was produced and everyone had their go at explaining the most basic of geographic concepts. she still wasn't convinced.
(Mon 10th Jan 2005, 13:17, More)