» Guilty Secrets

Ooops.....
As most of these tales start with the consumption of falling down juice, I would like to offer a small incidents that happened to me whilst a bit shitfaced.

I had been out with a few friends to the local meat market (you know the place that's in every big city that's populated by Pissed hen parties and even more pissed ozzies) and had on this occasion managed to cop hold of a above average girlie.... Yay Me!

So, after a few (lot) more beers she asks if I would like to retire to her's for a bit more privacy....result.

So we pitch up at her's in a very nice part of London and within seconds of getting through the door were at it like people possessed. And im please to say that due to the amount of beer consumed through the night I was a stallion!

Anyways some while after we are laying in bed and suddenly I get the dreaded stomach cramps, im needing the toilet and quick, so without waking her I stumble about the flat until I find the toilet, then crash about looking for the light switch, I finally find it and only just in time as I erupted on the can (think dumb and dumber). Then to my horror I find that there is no toilet paper, so I look round the bathroom and locate some moisturizing towlettes and use them.....then without looking flush the toilet. It is at that moment that I realised that the there had infact been toilet paper and in my fumbling to find the light switch had knocked it into the toilet. I Could only now watch in horror as the shitty water rose in the toilet and started to flood out on the floor! So I did what every self respecting gentleman would do.....crept back into the bedroom and got dressed scarpered while she was still asleep.

I often wonder what happened when she woke up, and sometimes I fear that I will bump to her and ill get a well deserved glass in my face.

And yes I do feel guilty about it, but on the up side I found the benefits of moisturizing your bum!

"No length or girth jokes were using during the telling of this story!" - well until now.
(Tue 4th Sep 2007, 10:46, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Not your smartest travelers.......
I used to be a member of a Sporting clays shoot, which was located in a copse in the middle of some fields. The shoot had been there for years and never had any problems, untill some Travelers decided to pitch up a couple of fields away. They had only been there a matter of days when our first shoot of the year was on and when we got to the copse, all of the stuff that was left there buy the shoot had either been nicked or trashed (nothing to important but fucking anoying).

Then during the shoot a shit load of travelers decided that they were going to come over and have a nose about. Which was a bit unnerving as the stupid twats were popping up out of the bushes that the clays were passing! How they any of them didnt get a buckshot parting ill never know. So on saftey grounds we stopped the shoot a a couple of the members went over to the camp to expalin that every second sunday this would be happening (we decided to be nice about, even though we were pretty much sure that they knicked our tower and other stuff, as you know how much grief travelers can cause)

Anyways the next shoot a few weeks later passed without event, but on the third a group of them turned up accusing us of shooting one of their horses and the vets bill was £2000 of which they didnt have a copy of!

The head of the shoot then pointed out that:
a. none of the targets were in the direction of the camp.
b. even if it was the camp was about a mile away any buckshot wouldnt get anywere near that range
c. to Fuck off.

At this point all the usual threats were leveled "I know your face" "your gonna pay" etc. and they pissed off only to reappear a hour later tooled up with baseball bats and other pointy stuff which in most cases would have been a great cause for alarm, unfortunatly what they had seemed to forget was that this was a shoot, and as they came into the clearing where we were all gathered they were greeted by approx 12 guys with shotguns and more ammo that your average mossside estate standing drinking coffee.

"can we help you gents with anything?" one of the members asked. At which point they turned and quickly left.

Thankfully the police moved them on the following week, unfortunalty not after they had the chance to trash and burn half the copse down! Wankers.

But im sure that you will agree not the Sharpest tools in the box
(Fri 15th Feb 2008, 12:15, More)

» How nerdy are you?

im not a nerd....
im a level 15 paladin
(Thu 6th Mar 2008, 11:48, More)

» Voyeurism

As most of these stories start....a few years back.....
I used to live with my then GF on the upstairs flat of a masonette and our down stair neigbours were a South African couple who we never did really see eye to eye with.

Anyways During the summer months when it was hot and we had the windows open we would often hear them go at it hammer and tongs, now I have to comment that either the chap was Hung like a stallion or she was seriously noisy as you could hear every stroke.

Unfortunately it got to the point that I think that he like to prove that he was Don Wan and would start to plough the missus during the day when were in the garden. At first it was amusing but it soon became annoying and then embarrassing when we had friends around.

So one day I decided to freak them out a bit, so the morning after the had been at there noisiest best, mentioned that in passing that I had seen someone in the back garden snooping and I when I opened the kitchen window he did a runner. To which he grunted something like "what, ill kell da faking bastard if i see heem".

All I had to do now was wait for another performance and I would pounce, and after about a week once again they were giving us a rendition of the natural history channel at 1 in the morning, so I waited till they were well and truly about to break some furniture and I just stuck my camera out the window and let the flash do the rest. Anyways as soon as the flash illuminated the garden the saffa oaf instantly thought that the "snooper" was in his garden taking pictures of them humping, and within seconds he's in the garden with a baseball bat screaming that he's going to kill the Mofo and all sorts of shit, of course this woke up most of the street who looked out to see the fella standing bollock naked ranting like a loon.

Soon after they moved on and I like to think I had something to do with it as they were really and obnoxious pair of racist twunts.

No length or gurth jokes were harmed during the telling of this story.
(Fri 12th Oct 2007, 16:27, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

Ive Done many stupid things to get a bit of action.....
But by far the most labour intensive, was when I was a young nipper (19) and was working with a serious bit of single milf (30ish). We worked in the same cramped office and as time went on the flirting got more and more up to the point that I started agreeing to do the most random things to try and get a bit of bedroom action. Among these were:

Playing badminton: Now I used to play when I was a kid so I of course thought I was jonny big spuds, what I didn't know until I turned up was I was very shit and extremely unfit. Meaning that all I could do was flap about until I lied about pulling my calf, just to get outta there.

Going to a family funeral: She was kinda distant from her folks and when her aunt popped her clogs, she asked if I would mind going with her as a fuax boyfriend as her family had issues with her being a single mum, this meant that I had a entire day of random people asking how we met and how long we had been together etc, which I was forced to lie through.

Helping redecorate her bedroom: would I mind? Hell no I thought ive been trying to get you there for weeks! after a weekend of scraping filling and painting the only white liquid I got near her was paint.

Taking her mange bitten guinea pig to the vets: She was far to upset when fluffy (or what ever the minging ball of fluff was called) got a ulcer on its head, so I offered to take it for her. The vet said that the best course of action would be to put it down, so I phoned to give her the solemn news, only to be told that she would pay for the thing to get it sorted. When I informed the vet of this he raised an eyebrow and said that it wasn't worth it as the thing was old and might not make it, which after the Op and £120 later the thing lasted all of 2 weeks before going belly up! Que hysterics and accusations that I should have told her to have it put down!

Finally after a summer of the above without getting as close to a grope I gave up. And asked another girl in the office out for a drink, we went out all of about 3 times before the milf phoned me up a bit drunk and asked me if I wanted to come round after the pub closed.

When I got there she opened the door nearly starkers and raped me (not that I was bothered).

Was it worth it? well we did have a few more encounters and I have to say I was fully taught the way of the woman. So yes

Also nice to see that jealousy works for the good sometimes

Sorry for length Etc but she liked it.
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 10:49, More)