» Weddings

At
every wedding I go to all the old ladies keep poking me saying "you'll be next" but at funerals I poke the old ladies and say "you're next"!
(Mon 18th Jul 2005, 16:40, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

My local
which is called "The Wheatsheaf" is just down the road. One friday night at about 3 in the morning i was woken up by my mate asking for me to come outside. When i did I found him holding a giant letter F and told me to hide it. It was very late and i had to be up at a reasonable time so I took it, no questions. Later that day as I drove past the pub I realised where the giant F, now in my bedroom, was from. The Pub's giant sign now read "The he she ".... It stayed like that for two months, the owner was never there and the bar workers loved it, that was until some shady characters started turning up and rumours started about it being the only transexual friendly pub in the area. Still got the F (sorry for length)
(Fri 4th May 2007, 18:04, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Now for a very long one that I know i nicked
One day all the children at school are told they're going to give a talk about what their fathers do, and to make their talks more interesting they should come in dressed, if possible, like their fathers. Now, it happens that one little boy's father is a welder so the little boy comes to school wearing a welding mask.

Unfortunately, he can't see very well with the mask. As he comes out of the house, he bumps into a lamp-post. He bumps into a parked car in the street. He's late for school and he bumps into the school gates, and going into the school he bumps into the wall. In fact, he spends the whole day bumping into things and he's glad when four o'clock comes and it's time to go home.

Anyway, he bumps into the classroom door on the way out and he bumps into the teachers and he bumps into the school gates a second time. And now he's running for the school bus but he bumps into a bus-stop and misses the bus so now he's got to walk home. So he's walking along the pavement bumping into things when suddenly a Mercedes pulls up and a man leans out of the window and says in a slimy voice (as I can't write in one) "Little boy! Little boy! Would you like me to give you a lift home?" Now, the little boy has been told lots of times that he shouldn't accept lifts from strangers but he's tired and he's fed up with bumping into things so he says yes and gets into the car. The door closes and they drive off together.

The two of them drive on for a while, and then the man leans over and he says: "Little boy," he says. "Do you know anything about homosexuality?"

The little boy shakes his head.

They drive on a bit more. Then the driver leans over a second time. "Little boy," he says. "Do you know anything about paedophilia?"

Once again, the little boy shakes his head.

And the driver leans over once again. "So tell me, little boy," he says, "do you know anything about buggery?"

And the little boy says, "No. Actually, I think I should tell you. I'm not really a welder."
(Tue 7th Feb 2006, 21:50, More)

» Teenage Parties

I
went to a party once, they had cream cheese
(Wed 19th Apr 2006, 22:32, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

Piano Lessons
I don't know what it is about my piano lessons that are so arousing. I think it may have something to do with how my piano teacher talks. She speaks very poshly and says such things as "You have to push from behind" "Now I want you to do it slowly not to fast, you're getting over excited", "One must puush (said orgasmically) into the keys", "Its all in the wrist action", "use your whole body not just your hands".
I've often had to try and hide an erection while playing, not an easy feat by any means.
(Tue 7th Feb 2006, 22:19, More)