» When I met the parents

Portugese Deceipt!
I met this portugese girl, who was in fact P.A to one of my clients (am no longer speaking to either of them) and went for a coffee once or twice.. nothing more. Then one day, we decide to go on one of those silly, chilled-out kinda dates.. went bowling, caught a movie and went to pizza hut, all fine you might think so a little bit of light kissing and touching follows in her car on way back home. She is supposed to be dropping me off but instead asks if I would like to take a detour via her place. Alright thinks me, could be fun.... Get there, walk in and SURPRISE, sitting around a huge table, the WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY are gathered to meet her "first boyfriend" (WTF?!?!) - i grinned and beared it as long as possible, then recomend we go to her room. She freaks out in front of everyone, saying it was so true that men just want one thing... so I announce to the hairy bitch that I am leaving. On the way out, she comes running into the street, saying that I should take some cheescake in a plastic box, she had been up all night making it for me.... FREAK !!! anyways, sorry about lenght, shape, size, taste ... if you are not portugese, it can be yours for a little while ;-)
(Thu 19th May 2005, 14:51, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Wet dream ? More like soaked nightmare... !
Was really excited when I got invited by my (ex) G/f to go on a boating trip to the lake district a few summers ago (was still a virgin and she Promised we would "do it"–never did as we had to share a room with her bruv) unfortunately I didn’t realise she also had invited her religious fanatic parents, Alzheimer’s affected grandmother, mental drug addicted bother and smelly huge beast of a dog… Before I could say no, this “happy” group was piled into a mini van practically sitting on each others laps… (The group singing for 4 hours still gives me nightmares)

Anyways – stayed in a crappy tent (woke up to the sound of ducks at 4 in the morning (twat twat) Proceeded to hire a faulty motor boat (the motor was the faulty part and stopped in the middle of a HUGE lake, leaving us stranded) Tried calling the rescue service to find out we had no network
So waited for some bloody Americans to rescue us – they just went past taking pictures… Stayed on the lake for hours in the rain… Got home, had a missed call from my mum saying my dog had dies AND I had failed my school exams too

Tried breaking up with the girl for ages but she kept hanging around, you know me and women…. Not much luck. Anyways, sorry about length but needed to share my horrible experience of a holiday!!!
(Fri 22nd Apr 2005, 16:31, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

( )oooo - - -
Just the other night, me and the new bird walking round some lil gig I had going on in Leicester Square, I stop for a while to talk to this reporter dude when "SHOCK" he fucking hoses me down with a fake microphone spewing water in my face! No need I tell ya!!

The guy also had the nerve to pretend to be a journalist and is intending to show the vid of me moaning like a girl to the whole world. Definately no need!!
(Tue 21st Jun 2005, 8:29, More)

» The Onosecond

The longest onosecond ever !
It took me about 3 years to reaslise I had posted a profile on MSN under my real name ( bearing in mind this is the email I would have given to hundreds of colleagues, friends and family) BUT I also had an anonymous hotmail account for what we wil call "late night and weekend surfing"... stupidly I got the profiles the wrong way around and realised after 3 years that everyone from my boss to my mum had repeatadly seen a close-up pic of me grabbing my cock and describing myself as a sex-hungry man whore looking for all kinds of devious and depraved adventures.... When I realised, i sat at my desk and smoked loads trying to work out what to do - I CANT BELIEVE NO ONE SAID ANYTHING!!!!!! SHIT ! Now anytime I see a family member, there is a huge grin when they ask if I have a g/f or not and I just cringe wanting to spontaneously combutst.
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 8:14, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

Queen on the wrong side of the road...
Being myself not royal but living in the royal town of Ascot (hold ur nose, tilt upwards and pronounce slowly) - I often have the misfortune of being hampered by local overly-dramatic and power crazed cops and special forces dudes that think everyone breathing is a suspect of regicide (can that work for a queen ??)Now lately, walking as I do home from work past the local beverage parlour - I noticed a traffic cop on a bike, waving me over (or so I thought) - So i proceeded to cross the road,,, mp3 player still plugged in me ears and not paying any real attention.... suddenly I sense a large moving object enter my field of vision.. yes it is a 4 horse-drawn royal carriage carrying Liz & the rest of her royal possy. Well I freeze, the traffic cop gets angry and waves a bit more, carriage decides to go around me and then scuttles off up the wrong side of the road. The road as it happens is called Cheapside... i guess I could say I made the queen go on the cheap side of the road... lol.

PS - what the fuck was that lime green "disguise" - looked like leftovers from a tequila party !!!
(Thu 3rd Aug 2006, 16:31, More)