b3ta.com user El Cabron
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» Sleepwalking

A mate of mine
once walked into his parents bedroom in the dead of night when he was about 7 and bellowed at the top of his voice "blow your trumpets" then turned round and got back in bed while his parents tried to get back to sleep after being scared shitless.

Apparently he'd been dreaming about the Crimean war!
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 14:13, More)

» Heckles

Manchester City v Charlton Athletic
About ten years ago when City were worse than they are now!! I was at this game which we needed to win to give ourselves a chance of staying up.

True to form we were fucking awful but still managed to scrape a draw. (still got relegated though)

Anyway the point to this is that there were two brilliant shouts from the crowd that afternoon.

The first being the Charlton fans with the imaginative "going down, going down, going down" to which City responded with "so are we, so are we, so are we"

The second when genius German striker Uwe Rosler missed a sitter a bloke sat near me in the North stand screamed "you'd have hit the fucking target if the keeper was Polish"

(actually now i've written this it seemed funnier at the time, sorry!)
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 14:17, More)

» Essential Items

Used to carry.....
condom's all the time!

Until I had the idea that they must give off some sort of anti shag scent that women pick up on if they get within ten feet of you.

Now I just carry the usual, wallet, phone keys.

*On the plus side I now have a much better chance of pulling, on the negative side i'm now the father of six unwanted brats and a cock that looks like its been slammed in a car door!*

*some of this might lies*
(Thu 27th Oct 2005, 16:25, More)

» Missing body parts

Had my Appendix removed years ago
which isn't particularly interesting, the aftermath is mildly good though.

The Doctor who carried out the operation went off work directly after it with seriously nasty flu, which didn't really bother me until three weeks later when I had my stiches out and my, by now, very infected stomach burst open again to thrill my family and friends with vast quantities of the most evil smelling snot like pus ever.

It carried on like that for a good three weeks, in which, I spent most of my time as a social pariah due to the stench.

The resulting scar makes it look like the op was done by a cross eyed three year old but I had lots of fun making girls cry with the goo/smell of it all.
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 12:12, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Two stick in my mind
I left quite a long time ago but these two stick in my mind, firstly

Mr Ballard, who was a Science teacher looked like Captain Birdseye and had a story for every eventuality. His best one was from when he worked in steel works and a bloke he worked with fell into the molten metal, to quote,

" he went in head first and they had to shut down down the whole place, all they got out were his boots, damn fine boots they were!"

Not quite sure what this had to do with his science class but it kept us entertained.

The other one was Mr Frobisher an RE teacher and unfortunately my form tutor for two years.

Claimed he'd seen Jesus stood on his shed, apparently the son of God has nowt better to do than speak to pseudo religeous types, who if this wanker were anything to go by, haboured secret Nazi tendencies.

Apparently a couple of years after i'd left he went properly mad and turned into a gibbering wreck.

Both were definately more suited to other jobs, Merchant Seaman and Antichrist, I reckon.
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 15:46, More)
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