» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

I'll let you into a little secret.
You know that fit bird on the dancefloor you’d die to knob? She's spent hours slimming, toning, waxing, plucking, bleaching, conditioning, straightening, exfoliating, moisturising, tanning, trimming, spraying, perfuming, painting, possibly surgically enhancing and expensively clothing every inch of her body – just to get your attention.

(This isn’t a special one-off effort, mind, but hours of dedicated upkeep every week - just to stave off the inevitable back-slide into Godzilla-dom.)

What effort did you put in? Slap on some Lynx? Get your mum to iron your Fred Perry shirt, did you? Wow.

And you think SHE’S the one with all the power????

Don't make me laugh.


(Sorry for bitterness, but all the women on the board saying 'we only have to ask, tee hee' are making me VERY ANGRY. Piss off and stop giving everyone a complex. Click 'I Like This' if you agree...)
(Mon 16th Apr 2007, 11:43, More)

» Failed

oral
In my Spanish oral exam, I had to persuade the examiner that she should take her mentally disabled son on an activity holiday, because it would be stimulating, blah blah.

I didn't actually know the proper Spanish term for 'mentally disabled'. So I tried to mime it instead. Using that internationally-recognised symbol for mongitude, the 'MNNNNNNNNNNNG' face.

I got an F.
(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 12:38, More)

» Mistaken Identity

on a good day...
...Cate Blanchett.

On a bad day, Sarah Jessica Parker.

On a very bad day, Will Ferrell in a wig.
(Thu 31st May 2007, 17:18, More)

» Work Experience

I work in Publishing, darling...
...and as everybody knows, unless you're a) blonde, b) female, c) horsey, d) female, e) called Lady Pandora-Fenella ‘Fennypoos’ Posh-Posh McPosh, f) squealy, g) female and h) the niece of one of the directors, it's rather tough to get a foot in the door.

However, I’d inexplicably chosen to do a degree in Linguistics, and so thought it might be the only way to avoid ending up a) teaching Poetry Appreciation to psychotic 12 year olds in Bradford, or b) teaching EFL to psychotic 12 year olds in Gabon.

So I applied to do 2 months of work experience at one of the snootier publishers in London. With my degree, thought I, they’ll be fighting to employ me. I can spell and everything! Unfortunately I don’t fit many of the criteria above, being resolutely un-posh and something of a speccy twat to boot.

So after 1 week in Fiction sticking out like a sore, gangly thumb, I was quietly dispatched to Reference (Home of The Oddball) where they thought my talents would be 'better used'. And spent the rest of my placement alone in a windowless basement room, counting words in the dictionary. No computer. Just a dictionary, a bit of paper and a biro. And all joyfully unpaid.

Adding it up, with rent, travel and food and subsequent therapy, seems I paid them over a grand to be locked in a cupboard for the summer.

I’m still there now (though we’ve upgraded to a cupboard with windows, thankfully), and after 3½ years it’s as fun and glamour-packed as it always was. Kids, don’t do it. Especially if you'd like your monthly experience of opening your wage packet to be slightly more enjoyable than being arse-raped by an enraged donkey.

Can anyone lend me the money for a ticket to Gabon?
(Fri 11th May 2007, 12:41, More)

» Bizarre habits

food weirdness
When eating a meal - say a good hearty meal of steak, potatoes and peas - I have to eat the different items so they stay in roughly the same proportions on the plate. So it's 'an amount' of the peas, followed by the same amount of the potato, the same of the steak, peas, potato, steak, peas, etc, etc.

At the end of the meal I'm left with a comically pixie-sized micromeal on my plate. Every time, without having any idea I'm doing it.

Mr Hose on the other hand eats everything in turn - so, all the peas, THEN all the potatoes, and finally all the steak. It distresses me but he will not accept he's wrong.
(Thu 1st Jul 2010, 15:25, More)