b3ta.com user Meganinja
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» When Animals Attack

Poor stupid Tilly, a Bassett with a penchant for eating her own shit, getting 'tillyplexed' by my older brother and raiding the bins when no one was looking. My mum doted on the stinky thing like she was her daughter, so the day when Tilly began running round in circles was a little bit distressing for my mum. And these weren't bit garden style circles, these were like doggy doughnuts, the dog version of jormungandr if you will. "she's just having a funny five minutes, thats what it is" say ma. 4 hours later our canine friend hadn't stopped, but being the usual style bassett "unfit and lazy", her front legs had gone and she was now plowing her way around the tiled kitchen floor" much like a skidoo.

Eventually after an 'all nighter' she succumbed to exhaustion and just couldn't move anymore, she stopped, threw up the contents of the bin she had raided and promptly passed out.

A visit to the vet (and examination of her vom) revealed poisoning by edit:cyanide generated by eating a whole bag of almonds my mum had thrown out.

...however we knew better. My brothers girlfriend had thrown away a gram of base speed the night before because it was "too much" and Tilly had come in to the bedroom and raided the bin.

We would never have forgiven ourselves if Tilly had died that day, but as she ended up ok, Tillys foray into the house of dance is now legend where I come from.

How did she attack you may ask?

She puked on my bed....
(Mon 28th Apr 2008, 12:47, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Bonus anyone?
Having come back from a perfect 6 months travelling around the world, I began work at one of the lowest levels of the food chain, that is at a well known pub chain whose prices are suprisingly cheap.

Friday nights were hell incarnate as wave after wave of thirsty rude and cheap ass punters would bend you over said bar and rape you solidly calling you all names under the sun just because you were serving all the pretty girls first. So being ingenious slackers we made up a game.

To make sure we could serve quickly, all our tills had quick keys for nearly all drinks we sold. These quick keys overlaid a normal qwerty keyboard. The better our stock was, the more bonus we got. The more money we made the rude bastards pay, the better we felt. And so the alphabet game was born.

At 9pm on a Friday the game was afoot. Starting at A and working your way through the alphabet you had to add drinks to peoples bills. A - J was pretty easy, as reef and stella was only about £1 / £2 a pop. It was when you got to W that things started to get a bit hairy with £7 bottles of wine.

And in the early morning, after all those thirsty, puking, violent, pikey, racist bastards staggered out of the door, we would lift a pint to them.

We did this every Friday, for 1 and a half years.
(Mon 3rd Sep 2007, 15:20, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Oh Boy!
We all remember the TV masterpiece that was Quantum Leap don't we? Sam Beckett, the spunky scientist with a penchant for womens clothes and flying WW2 aircraft would rock our world on a daily basis?

Like all school kids at the time I would ensure I was home by 6.30, so I could plonk down in front of the tube to get my fix. But I had other motives than revising for the schoolyard test that was sure to come in the morning. I had darker filthier designs. Because occasionally, when the news hadn't overrun, when they needed to pad the schedule a little, she would be there. You know who I'm talking about. Her. Her time was short. I have no idea who she was , but if you were lucky, the long intro sequence would begin, and like clockwork 'He' would give a twitch. 30 seconds in and I would be having serious issues hiding the 4 inches in my trousers. But its the final line she delivered in an almost needy voice that would get me the most - "and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home".

Here's a link so people understand



Who needs milk enema's to get off? *

*may in fact be me
(Tue 10th Nov 2009, 16:54, More)

» Best Films Ever

The Classics
Yes yes, we all know Pulp Fiction, The Matrix and Godfather are superb films but lets face facts. The best films are the ones you used to play OVER & OVER & OVER again when you were a kiddo. Basically if you can't quote at least 75% of the film, it can't be all that. So, to make it a little interesting here are quotes from my top 3 films.

1: "More Wine?", "Wine Not" *Laughs* "This is not wine.... it's mead. But not bad".
2: "Thors not a homo"
(Thu 17th Jul 2008, 15:03, More)