» Personal Hygiene

U smelly .......
About 6 years ago, just after A-levels, myself and a few friends decided to go on holiday to France for a few days. We decided (in all great knowledge.....yeah) to go by coach. Cue a fucking great long 18 hour trip to Paris. And what was worse was the smell on the coach, especially the fella sitting with his family infront of me and my mate Tom. To say he smelt is an understatement . The guy stank like he'd never even heard of the word shower let alone ever used one. So for 18 hours this smell lingered like an evil beast from the lowest order of Hell......and it got worse. This guy stands up and turns back to talk to his missus and leans over the seat hand on the chair in front.....with his stinking armpit right above my mate Tom's head! Tom, one of the nicest people in the world, has had enough. Cue the quickest, Bruce Lee-esque solution. Tom's head snaps quickly to face me an grimace on his face, his hand snaps up wards with a can of Lynx, he quickly sprays the fellas armpit and the can is hidden again. This takes less than 4 seconds. Seriously he moved like a machine, almost Matrix style in precision. And the best bit was the smelly bastard didn't even realise what had happened, he just wondered what the hissing noise was (probably never heard it before!)
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 13:26, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

The Crazy Lady of GNER
Was on a train from London to Leeds with my fiancée just back from sunny Poland. We were sitting in the middle of the carriage, and the first thing we noticed was the rather loud conversation happening on the seats in front of us. 'Two ladies' seemed to be having a really loud but totally nonsensical conversation.

This is nothing unusual you might think, but then things got a bit weird.

One of the presumed ladies kept getting up and loudly stomping up and down the carriage every two minutes. We are talking about the form of walking little 2 year olds do when attempting to sound like an elephant, placing each foot down in a stomp as heavily as possible.

After this had been going on for quite some time I happened to stand up to get something from my bag when I noticed that the other 'lady' from the conversation was no-where to be seen. However, only one person had kept getting up and stomping up and down the carriage. Instead of someone else there was simply a large pile of shopping bags on the second seat.

There was of course no second person and the happy stomper had in fact been having a rather loud and animated conversation with herself for the best part of the journey.

It gets better....

This pattern of loudly talking to herself and getting up and charging about the place continued for quite some time, and as you can guess everybody was looking at each other with the same thoughts in mind. I was held in check from voicing my opinion by the embarrassment of my fiancée. Amazingly everyone else in the carriage was too polite to do or say anything either, so we all just sat there quietly listening and watching this one woman show.

Eventually we pull into some random station in the middle of nowhere and a ticket lady happens to be in our carriage.

'Are we stopping here?' says Stomper in barely understandable English.

'Erm, yes', came the reply.

'OK, I'm just going out for a smoke then ' grunts Stomper.

'Well we're only here for about 2 minutes...' says ticket lady as patiently as possible.

'That's alright then just wait for me.' squeals Stompy

She proceeds to drag all of her rather large shopping bags (of which there were several) off the train in order to light up. Needless to say the train pulled away practically straight away, leaving her to whatever fate awaited her in some obscure part of the midlands.

Silence fell in our carriage for the very first time on the entire journey. Then, one young lad said quite eloquently and in a broad Northern accent exactly what we were all thinking:

'She was a fucking nutter!'

Length? About 200 miles
(Wed 4th Jun 2008, 1:27, More)

» Evil Pranks

Evil house party wrongdoings
A couple of years ago, on a regular excursion back to the UK from Poland i was catching up with a couple of mates round at my flat. All was well and chilled but a neighbour in the flat next to mine and up a level (actually on a corner) was having a rather loud party.; Shitty pop tastic music playing all nite, girls screaming etc.

This doesn't bother us cos it was still too early for bed. One of my friends, who is notorius for playing pranks and lives in the another flat in the same block decides that we should have some fun with this other lot at the party. This happened in various stages:

1) Because the balcony for the other flat is diagonally above my kitchen window, not very much of the kitchen is actually visible. So firstly on when the cd player at the window full blast. Firstly Ramstein and various other rediculously loud rock and when that failed to shift them my friend nips upstairs and fetches so Carter the incredible sex machine from his student days. This resulted in all the girls storming off inside to continue to listen to Shitney Spears. However, a couple of the lads at the party obviousle liked the tunes an hung around.

2) I decided we could go one better. Fetching my 65 watt guitar amp and plugging in, it was placed on the window sill (again still hidden from view) cranked up to full and I left the kitchen (closing the door) and proceeded to shred like a mutha fucka! Cue Waynes World esq noise and I stopped just in time to hear another neighbour yelling from across the way 'turn that fucking racket down!!' whilst the grils from the party feebly protested their innocence.

3) It gets worse. We followed this by sneaking outside and howling like wolves form the shadows until the same angry neighbour yelled at them again (we were well hidden, couldn't see us).

4) The Coup de grace! We worked out the number of the flat the party was in and ordered a shit load of food from a take away to be delivered including: 6 pizzas, 4 kebabs, 10 portions of fries, a curry and 12 cans of cola. This was ordered from a phone box up the road and we raced back in time to watch a rather irate pizza guy leaving with a shit load of food. We then proceeded to go back to the phone box and ring to see why our food hadn't been delivered yet! Double trick! Felt a little guilty, but thats the price for playing loud shitty music when there is a mischeivious pair of a teacher and a surgeon living next door!

How long? The guitar cable was at least 20 foot!
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 21:03, More)

» Mistaken Identity

Swede jesus...
I have been living in Poland now for a couple of years teaching english, and everywhere I go people keep thinking that I'm Swedish. The logic seems to go like this:

Random Pole: So you're Swedish then?

Me: Um, you what?

RP: Well you have blonde hair..

Me: ...go on...

RP: and blue eyes

Me: ....continue...

RP: and you speak english really well so you MUST be swedish!

Wonderful logic huh? They're quite shocked when I tell them that not only am I from Leeds, but I am infact 100% Polish as well! This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't happen every bloody week! Two weeks ago I was having a beer with a mate and a Swedish chap joined us. Guess where he thought I was from....

(Oh yeah and everyone thinks my fiance's Spanish but she is Polish as well!)

Length/size..... have you seen a Polish sausage recently?
(Thu 31st May 2007, 15:50, More)

» Stupid Dares

Stupid, stupid, stupid....
Was at a party when I was 17. It was all geeting a bit crazy, loads of people rolling up in cars, crashing the party, white powder everywhere. Me, I was just relaxing with a beer outside the house where this was happening. One of those nice moments when you are on your own looking at the chaos around you and saying to yourself 'ha ha glad this isn't my place'.

Anyway, up strolls Dave (not real name of course). He is out of breathe and covered in sweat. He had just been running around like a nutter with a couple of other guys, wrestling on the lawn etc. He looks at me and says 'you know what Polish bstard? I feel invincible! I could do anything? Go on, dare me to do anything and I'll do it!'

Now just in front of the house was a group of bushes about shoulder height. I thought 'well he's asked but what can i get him to do that is possibly impressive but harmless?'. 'OK' I said off hand 'I bet you can't vault that bush'. I lifted my beer to drink and was suprised when from standing still he throws himself over said bushes like an olympic athlete. 'Fuck yeah' I yelled impressed by his achievement.

Dave stands up in triumph, arms raised to the heavens. However, what neither of us was aware of was that on the other side of the bushes was not the lovely soft grass of the house's front lawn but a small but ever so dangerous rockery.

As Dave cheers his success I notice that there is blood streaming down the side of his face. A shit load of blood. The poor bugger had hit his face on a rock on the way down and unbeknownst to him (due to a large amount of alcohol inbibed) had slit the side of his face open from chin to temple.

'Fuck Dave' I said 'your bleeding mate!'. Dave puts his hand up to his face expecting a small amount of claret. His hand is covered and his t shirt is rapidly becoming covered in blood. He races into the kitchen to the sink (and covers someones new white football shirt in blood at the same time).

Anyway, one of the girl's Dad is a doctor nearby and he comes (and first sees the destruction of the house) and takes Dave to hospital.

Everyone is standing around in shock. Why did he do that? What on earth possessed him to do that?

I kept very quiet and went home soon afterwards.

From then on I keep dares to daring guys to chatting up girls and other harmless stuff involving BB guns and bare skin etc.....


PS Dave was ok apart from the scars.....
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 15:47, More)