b3ta.com user UltimateMonkey
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Profile for UltimateMonkey:
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Been on here ages and never did my profile, so here goes nothing.
I'm in my early 30s, live in Sheffield.
What else? Errr.
Work wise, I've been an actor, promoted all sorts of club nights, worked in pubs and restaurants and the worst job I ever did was litter-picking on a rubbish dump (for one day as an agency job).
Currently unemployed, which sucks balls.

I spend my time on b3ta on the lovely /links and firmly believe rule one (Don't be a cunt) should be adopted by the entire interwebs.
Unless, obviously, I feel like lashing out; in which case duck my sock muddyfunster!

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Three cheers for Tim
My mate Tim is now a respected academic type.
T'was not always so...

Back when he was a student he'd spent a day on the lash. Come the evening he needed more booze, so off to the off license it was. As he bimbled there he was passed by a white stretch limo filled with a bunch 21 year old girls who screamed "Show us your cock!". As he was pissed he was too slow to react and whip out his John Thomas.

So he gets to the offie, gets more booze and then saunters on home.
To his delight he sees the white limo come round the corner just ahead, so he turns his back and prepares himself.
There's a high pitched squeal from the girls as the car pulls level, so he spins round cock in hand and goes "Blaaaaargh!".

Except it's a different white stretch limo and the high-pitched squeal came not from the hotties, but from two 10 year old boys who are slack jawed and pale faced at the sight of a grown man learingly waving his penis at them.

I did mention he's all respectable now?
(Wed 18th Mar 2009, 14:25, More)

» Family codes and rituals

Damn those witches!
My Gran did this, my Mum does this and I can't stop myself from doing it.
When you have had your boiled egg you must make sure that you crack a hole in the bottom. This is so "witches can't use them as boats".
I've worked in some rather posh hotels in my time and have found myself forcing guests to do so at breakfast. They've all been very understanding and have done so, but I didn't half weird out a Japanese couple once...
(Sat 22nd Nov 2008, 17:39, More)

» We have to talk

Never mind the poor buggers who work at ASDA...
I'm looking for work and know full well that there's work going at Subway. The main reason I'm not going to give them a call?
You're job title there is "Sandwich Artist"

Oh, look. My first ever post :)
(Wed 25th Apr 2007, 14:39, More)

» Schadenfreude

I'm a bad, bad, bad man...
Walking through town a few years back, I got stuck behind a man and his dog walking a bit too sedately. It was a busy Saturday, lots of people on't pavement, quite heavy traffic and I was in a hurry. Arse.

As we came up to some scaffolding outside a church I spotted that the lights ahead had turned red, so I'd be able to nip past on the road.
As I pass the chap, I hear this incredible "donk!" sound.

One of the bits of scaffolding was much lower and the poor sod had whacked his forehead really rather hard.

The bloke who was walking in the opposite direction pointed out to him that there was a sign clearly telling him to mind his head. "Did you not see it?". At the very point of that sentence leaving his lips, he looked at the dog and realised that this was no ordinary dog. This was a guide dog.

The look of absolute horror at what he'd just said to a blind man - in front of quite a crowd - was so utterly, utterly priceless that I had to leg it and find a spot to let the laughter out.

I am going to hell for this.
Still, cracks me up every time I think of it...
(Thu 24th Dec 2009, 17:20, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Festival goodness
At a small festival in 05 they had hay-bales to piss on. The thinking behind it quite sound. The straw apprently takes all the nasty stuff out, leaving only "water" draining into the soil.
Bearing in mind that by Saturday night many, many, many men had used the bogs, the groung around it was quite slippery. Que some poor sod walking in behind me, slipping and landing face down in the bale. Jets of piss bounced of it.

To be fair the guy came up as quickly as he went down, but the damage was done. He ran off never to be seen again.

He also managed to miss us lot sniggering and going "un-clean! un-clean!"...
(Mon 25th Jun 2007, 18:07, More)
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