*giggles like a 5 year old*

(Sun 27th Nov 2005, 15:16, More)

» More Pet Stories

we have a terrapin
He's pretty cool, like a little dinosaur, and he's great to watch. He basks under a UV light and sometimes will stick one leg out, which makes for great comedy. He's not the dog of our dreams, but he's ours and we love him dearly nonetheless.

Anyway

About 3 years ago we got him some cuttlefish, and after great japes and surfing, it eventually sunk to the bottom of the tank where he would nibble at it. One evening we were sitting on the sofa when we noticed something black and shit-like poking out of the middle of his tail. I took mild interest, because I'd never seen him take a crap before, and pointed it out to Chris. But this crap got bigger...and bigger. Eventually, our terrapin was under water, bouncing on top of a medium-sized mushroom looking thing poking out of its tail.

'HOLY SHIT CHRIS,' I cried, 'OUR TERRAPIN'S HAVING A PROLAPSE!'

Actually, it turns out that terrapins have some of the most terrifying sexual organs in the natural world. This thing was a bulbous sac about the size of his torso. we had the good sense to google 'terrapin prolapse' and turns out we weren't the only ones to have this reaction. The most interesting thing is the cuttlefish. He had nibbled it into a shape oddly resembling another terrapin - there was 4 pointy limbs, a head and tail, and before the prolapse he had started floating in front of it and scratching at his neck, a thing that male terrapins do, apparently, to woo the ladies. Supposedly this is quite a rare and beautiful sight and we should consider ourselves lucky to have seen it. In actuality, I'm scarred for life.

tl;dr - our terrapin made a sex doll and then got his terrifying bits out.
(Sun 3rd Feb 2013, 13:38, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

About a year ago, I went through a period of hardcore student poverty
My boyfriend was unemployed and we were both living off my student loan, which didn't even cover the rent. There was a period of about two weeks where we survived on the contents of our penny jar, so it was Sainsburys basics and plain pasta/rice all the way (top tip - basics frozen sausages, while only about 5% pork, are actually entirely edible when covered with enough ketchup). Times were hard and, since we both do like good food, we were very very miserable.

So with our last 50p, in order to make our 5th consecutive meal of plain rice a little more edible, we went off to the supermarket to get some frozen peas. Cheap, colourful and something that would actually give our food a bit of flavour. When we got home Chris (the boyfriend) was very excited, so I sent him upstairs to get comfy and promised him the meal of a lifetime. Rice AND peas. Luxury. On goes the kettle, rice and salt in the saucepan, boiling water over it, cook for ten minutes. Add the peas, we were all set. And as he raised the fork to his mouth, I saw a little flicker of a smile, and excitement in his eyes. This was going to taste GOOD.

Except I put salt in twice. It was the nastiest, most dehydrating meal I've ever had. And it made my boyfriend cry real tears of misery and disappointment. I've never felt like such a failure as a woman before. This was by far our lowest ebb, everything was ruined and it was all my fault.

The next day he got a call offering him a job, and with his first paycheck we did a proper roast with pork. That was the best meal I ever had (and the masses of soup we got from the leftovers). Times get better kids.
(Thu 26th May 2011, 15:59, More)

» Mix Tapes

I spent most of my formative years making mixtapes
but I rarely made them for other people, they were just for my own pleasure. Mostly because I have the BEST WALKMAN EVER

www.priyascape.com/new_images/IMP/my_first_sony.jpg

I still use it sometimes, but the sound has gone very wobbly now.

The tapes were mostly comprised of britpop, but there was a lot of stuff off the radio too. I spent many an evening pretending to do my homework, poised over the record button, waiting for Mr Peel or Mr Lamacq to announce the latest joy. Happy days, when you felt genuinely involved, and the thrill of discovering a new band meant rushing down to Our Price the next Saturday to spend your hard-earned pocket money.

And then there was the art of the actual mixtape, with CDs and records strewn across your bedroom floor, carefully judging what track follows on best, and how to make the transition from britpop to triphop, and wether you've put too much Blur on or not enough.

And what do we have now? The internet, which makes discovering new music so easy it doesn't seem fun any more. And instant downloads, which take all the tactile joys out of owning tunes, cataloguing them into dull, soulless icons. iTunes, which just creates a playlist for you removing the need for ever listening and involving yourself with the delicate intracacies of ordering and compiling. And the new, glossy, teen-mag NME, which is SO SHITE I COULD SCREAM.

I weep, b3ta. I weep.
(Tue 12th Feb 2008, 14:52, More)

» Stupid Dares

This is hugely embarassing
When I escaped the nuns and first started going drinking in zomgpubs with my girly mates, we used to frequent a pub that had one of those machines selling "furry lovecuffs" and "pocket pleasure vibrators" and the like in the toilets. Being straight out of convent school we naturally found this absolutely hilarious.

(I would like to inform you all here that I KNOW and I have fully grown up now, I promise)

One night after a few too many bubblegum reefs (oh yes) my friends dared me to go investigate and buy one of these pocket pleasure thingies "because I just want to see what it's like, yeah..." and being the drunken over-confident teenager that I was, I said I would. So we all clubbed together and raised the necessary £3 and off I went to make the purchase. Of course, it didn't work, and our £3 was swallowed and gone forever. So they all decide I need to get a refund.

I was very against it at first, but then they all said they would gladly give up the money and let me keep it if I could manage to get a refund. £3 was 20 superkings, or a rather good night in the wetherspoons, and so I was sold. I got to the bar and the conversation went:

Me: "uh...hi, I...ummm....put some money in one of the...umm....machines in...umm..."
Barman: "You put some money in the vibrator machine and it hasn't worked, yeah?"
Me: "Oh, I...umm, yeah, its swallowed my cash"
Barman (obviously amused): "Yes yes, tee hee, how much?"

(This is where I feel like a right bastard, it's still my main drinking place, but teenage bravado kicked in).

Me: "Yeah, umm...well I tried twice, so it was £6"

And it worked! £6 richer and peer group approval, they all thought I was well cool.

Length, girth, I know I pretended otherwise but I didn't really know any better at that age
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 17:27, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Oh god, fantastic.
The subway at the bottom of my road is currently being targeted by an absolutely wonderful being who is plastering it frequently in joy-provoking scentences. Highlights so far have included:

"I am a degraded mosaic"
"Grow! Seriously, do!"
"It is nice to see the sun at this time of year"
"I love my parents"
"Show your children good films"

Every time I'm trudging to work, filled with the horrors of saturday morning, I just have to read the subway wall and it cheers me up no end. Its almost motivational.

More to come as I remember them.
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 17:39, More)