![[challenge entry]](/images/board_posticon_c.gif "Challenge Entry: What Would Jesus Do?"){kind=small}
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From the What Would Jesus Do? challenge. See all 178 entries (closed)
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barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 13:38,
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Jesus can fuck off...he's over 2000 years old and still living with his dad!
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Mon 17 Oct 2011, 13:40,
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well, he's a hippy, isn't he?no job, no money for rent, so he's sponging off the old man
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Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 13:44,
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wait till God hears about his black market transubstantiation business
Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 13:54,
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gonna kick his robed arse right out of the basement Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 13:59,
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Christianity confuses meGod has a son to a married woman called Mary impregnated and then given the news by the Archangel Gabriel (not sure how that works) - Then Jesus does some tricks and illusions and becomes the Messiah, dies, becomes a zombie, gets nailed to a cross and becomes God and Mary is deemed the Mother of God - the old God (Jesus' Father) washes his hands of Mankind and nothing more is told of him... can someone explain this is like an episode of Soap.
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maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:01,
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"Joseph, the DNA results show.....you are.....NOT the father"*gasps*
( Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:03,
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nobody can explain itand if you question the shonky logic behind it, the faithful get offended and say you shouldn't ask, as it will insult god. covering their arses nicely, if unconvincingly.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:04,
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If God didn't want us to ask question thenhe shouldn't have planted the Tree of Knowledge in the middle of the Garden of Eden and put lovely fruit on it and say "Whatever else you do don't eat any of my lovely fruit from my tree of knowledge!" If he knows everything about everybody then he knew it would be too big a temptation so he knew what he was getting into.
( maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:08,
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there's the rubright from the beginning, the bible is telling us that everything bad that has happened to mankind is all our own fault and not the fault of this magical, all-powerful bugger that chooses to punish us so harshly for no good reason at all.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:17,
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And allows Margaret Thatcher to live on...
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maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:19,
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well, she did give us soft-scoop ice cream Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:20,
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She stole my milk!
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maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:31,
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So he knows that I used to knock one out over the Freemans catalogue underwear section?FUCK! How embarrassing!
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Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:22,
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haha that would be the granny corset section?
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maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:29,
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*spluffs*
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Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:30,
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I bet it looked like this....
Fresh Water Mole loves his baby boy more and more every day,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:40,
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They would have looked right at home in Buck Rogers.
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Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:43,
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Manchester City were not best pleased with their redesigned football kit ;)
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maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:54,
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Ahaha!
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Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:56,
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Agnosticist!No wait..
( Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:09,
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You'd think God would have created his lore to be flawless and unquestionableFAILGOD
( maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:13,
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You seeGod is like everywhere, man, and when God decides to do something sometimes He comes down to Earth as this old naked guy with a big beard like he was in Eden, and sometimes He decides he wants to be a pillar of ash for reasons only He can explain. Other times He wants to be a man so He becomes His own father and sacrifices Himself to Himself for shits and giggles, and sometimes He's this kind of whacky Holy Poltergeist. He's also really forgetful so after He decided in a fit of genocidal pique to wipe out all life on Earth because men were talking a bit loudly, and then regretted it in the morning when the hangover cleared up, He set the rainbow in the sky to remind Himself not to do it again.
Remember, kids, any time you see a rainbow it's God desperately reminding Himself not to KILL YOU YOU FUCKING SINFUL SHIT.
(Remember, kids, any time you see a rainbow it's God desperately reminding Himself not to KILL YOU YOU FUCKING SINFUL SHIT.
boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:16,
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it's the equivalent of god's stasi.constantly there, watching, waiting for you to fuck up so it can report you to the authorities
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Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:22,
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It's worse than thatYou can summarise the core of Christianity as "God is born as a man so that he can sacrifice himself to himself to fulfill laws that he invented and never said could be fulfilled in the first place." Crazy.
When you get into the whole Gabriel knocking Mary up (she was only engaged at the time, by the way. By the mores of the time she was fair game), Jesus being God but shouting "WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?" on the cross, Jesus not being God but being the Son of God, Jesus being the Son of Man (eh?), the whole fun zombie part of it with Lazarus and then Jesus getting in on the act, and the whole slightly weird "Zombie Jesus walked around invisible playing parlour tricks on his disciples and inviting them to stick 'fingers' in his wounds" bit, it just gets a bit loopier.
(When you get into the whole Gabriel knocking Mary up (she was only engaged at the time, by the way. By the mores of the time she was fair game), Jesus being God but shouting "WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?" on the cross, Jesus not being God but being the Son of God, Jesus being the Son of Man (eh?), the whole fun zombie part of it with Lazarus and then Jesus getting in on the act, and the whole slightly weird "Zombie Jesus walked around invisible playing parlour tricks on his disciples and inviting them to stick 'fingers' in his wounds" bit, it just gets a bit loopier.
boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:13,
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I can so see how all of this can be easily accepted as a religion and basis of society and morality**may contain big fucking lies
( maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:17,
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Society is founded on the brutal torture and execution of one manWe don't really care about the tens of thousands crucified before or after him. They're not important in the slightest.
See also: the books of Law which people have *still* never explained to me why we ignore. If we followed the books of Law we should be chopping off foreskins left, right and centre and refusing to touch a woman one week in every four. Also, not eating scampi or pork. I know people say that Jesus "fulfilled" the law, but I don't see how you can "fulfill" a law, especially when you've "fulfilled" it by being nailed to a tree, and *especially* when not only is it law and not something with the proviso "By the way, this only applies until I come down and get myself nailed to a tree which apparently means I forgive you because nothing breeds forgiveness like nails through the wrists mmmmmm baby do it some more", but Jesus himself is meant to have said something about "not one jot or tittle of the law will be removed until the Kingdom of Heaven is come". Looking around me it doesn't look much like Heaven, so the law is still here.
Jesus also said something like "The law was until John the Baptist. Now the kingdom of Heaven is taught." I think this suggests that he was making it up as he went along, and also had no clue how to speak English. I mean, what the fuck does "the kingdom of Heaven is taught" mean, eh?
(See also: the books of Law which people have *still* never explained to me why we ignore. If we followed the books of Law we should be chopping off foreskins left, right and centre and refusing to touch a woman one week in every four. Also, not eating scampi or pork. I know people say that Jesus "fulfilled" the law, but I don't see how you can "fulfill" a law, especially when you've "fulfilled" it by being nailed to a tree, and *especially* when not only is it law and not something with the proviso "By the way, this only applies until I come down and get myself nailed to a tree which apparently means I forgive you because nothing breeds forgiveness like nails through the wrists mmmmmm baby do it some more", but Jesus himself is meant to have said something about "not one jot or tittle of the law will be removed until the Kingdom of Heaven is come". Looking around me it doesn't look much like Heaven, so the law is still here.
Jesus also said something like "The law was until John the Baptist. Now the kingdom of Heaven is taught." I think this suggests that he was making it up as he went along, and also had no clue how to speak English. I mean, what the fuck does "the kingdom of Heaven is taught" mean, eh?
boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:21,
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Is scampi outlawed in the Bible? I hope not, I love scampi!
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splorp ®,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:26,
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shellfish, innit?depends if you feel you should follow the dietary restrictions in leviticus. if you don't, all power to you, but i don't see christ ever saying, "yay, you shall eat pork and scampi, my son".
( boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:28,
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Maybe he was saying "People should not be selfish!" but in a Sean Connery accent!
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maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:30,
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If there were an update toLeviticus (which it sorely needs), I would advocate a ban on Pot Noodles - they ming.
( splorp ®,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:32,
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They're probably also the cause of a lot of malnutrition in this worldThe New Testament also needs to remove the ban on wearing clothes made from two types of thread. That's really tough in this day and age. It should be replaced with a ban on, I dunno, cravattes.
( boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:35,
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I like how Jesus blessed with the medical ability to cure leprosy, make crippled people walk,cure zombies, some shit about 5 demons and prostitutes decides to never take full advantage of these amazing skills and tells us yes I can come back to life but this time I'm going to be nailed to a lump of carpentry to save you all from your sins and people just think "Fuck yeah as we care!" - I'd like to think him being alive a curing shit would be more valuable to mankind than him being crow food and if I ever came across someone who could do this stuff I'd bloody well make sure I'd rebel against any authority who decided to execute him/her.
( maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:28,
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ah but he wasn't crow foodhe got up and walked around inviting disciples to stick their fingers in his wounds. at least, i think he did. my memory's a bit hazy but i'm going to pretend that that's what happened. in acts, probably.
( boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:29,
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ewwwfound it, john 20,24-28. this is from "the message", one of the most entertaining of the evangelical bibles because the guy's basically transliterated the king james bible into something close to spot the dog.
But Thomas, sometimes called the Twin, one of the Twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples told him, "We saw the Master."
But he said, "Unless I see the nail holes in his hands, put my finger in the nail holes, and stick my hand in his side, I won't believe it."
Eight days later, his disciples were again in the room. This time Thomas was with them. Jesus came through the locked doors, stood among them, and said, "Peace to you."
Then he focused his attention on Thomas. "Take your finger and examine my hands. Take your hand and stick it in my side. Don't be unbelieving. Believe."
Thomas said, "My Master! My God!"
(But Thomas, sometimes called the Twin, one of the Twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples told him, "We saw the Master."
But he said, "Unless I see the nail holes in his hands, put my finger in the nail holes, and stick my hand in his side, I won't believe it."
Eight days later, his disciples were again in the room. This time Thomas was with them. Jesus came through the locked doors, stood among them, and said, "Peace to you."
Then he focused his attention on Thomas. "Take your finger and examine my hands. Take your hand and stick it in my side. Don't be unbelieving. Believe."
Thomas said, "My Master! My God!"
boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:42,
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he had to become a zombieso that he could "ascend unto heaven". if he hadn't, people would have spent the best part of 2,000 years searching for his bones and finding nothing.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:19,
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That would have left an entertaining amount of mystery, thoughAs it was he paraded around for a few weeks occasionally jumping out of thin air and shouting "PEEKABOO" at his disciples, generally terrifying them to fuck, and then floated on a cloud into heaven. Kind of like a mixture of childishness and ostentation.
( boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:22,
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if that had happenedthere'd be a lot more "evidence" that what's written in the bible. that's the point, no hard evidence means theory abounds
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:27,
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not surethere's not much more evidence you could have for a zombie who can turn himself invisible. no body? check. frightened disciples running around shouting "he's alive! ALIVE!"? check. an odd cloud going up to heaven? check. not too much else there. it doesn't look like he needed to eat after resurrection.
( boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:31,
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i meant there would be more than just one account of the events. as it is, all the accounts that were supposed to be written all wound up either actually in the bible or were referred to by the bible. i want to see the fucking parchments!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:36,
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there's loads of accountsthey just weren't chosen for the bible. (www.earlychristianwritings.com has collected the vast bulk of it.) and also probably not written down for more than a hundred years after he died. the ones in the bible are from probably two sources (the markian and the, err, johnian). but i just read the resurrection and mark and luke aren't in *that* great an agreement with matthew. i mean, you can justify it without breaking too much sweat but they look like two sources, as well. so maybe three. unless you read a book written by someone who actually knows what he's talking about (unlike me) who say sit was two, in which case be inclined to beleive him.
anyway, the romans wouldn't have given a toss about the unmarked grave of a crucified man, i don't think they did much with the bodies except chuck them in a ditch. so they won't have written it down.
(anyway, the romans wouldn't have given a toss about the unmarked grave of a crucified man, i don't think they did much with the bodies except chuck them in a ditch. so they won't have written it down.
boris the spider,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:46,
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soanything relevant to the exact time and place was written by his mates, anything else was written long enough afterwards to succumb to chinese whispers. got it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:52,
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God may have washed his hands of Christians but is still very active helping the JewsIt is strange though as he is also the God of Islam
All these religious conflicts are just family squables...same as Soap
(All these religious conflicts are just family squables...same as Soap
CanonCaliber A big bore,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:14,
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Also the whole virgin birth thingApparently the "virgin" bit was just a mistranslation of "young woman" or something similar. So the Bible essentially seems to be based on the original arameic being run through Google Translate...
( splorp ®,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:25,
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Also...?he dies on cross, then magically comes back.
...so how does he die the second time?
(...so how does he die the second time?
Clueless Egg Cunt ...of course i'm beach ready!,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:30,
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Coat hanger 3 Wardrobe 4-5
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Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?,
Mon 17 Oct 2011, 14:36,
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