I complained to me wife earlier....
Getting me 3 year old daughter ready to transport up to her nans. The wife had to re-dress her into some suitable clothes and had her perched across both the wife's knees. She went to change her knickers and noticed that there was a small spot on her bum.

"Eww, look at that Jeccius" says her...then glances at her starfish and says "Oh she looks a bit red down there..."

And then she did it. The moment which I will complain about to her for the rest of my life. She pinched her fingers down by her arsehole....and mini-goatsee'd her.

It was only for a micro-second, but that was all it took to destroy my daughter's innocence and make me request as much mind-bleach as I could possibly obtain.

When I complained to the wife, she will only answer "What the fuck's a goatsee?". She doesn't know the damage she's done.

*cries*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 15:48, 10 replies)

The Best Way To Get Topped Up
A guy stood next to me at my local ordered a lager, and it arrived in front of him with a rapidly disappearing head, to the point where there was a good half inch of the pint left empty.

He looked up at the landlord incredulously, and said in the most cockney accent the world has ever heard,

"'Ere! 'Ave you had an argument with the top of the fackin' glass or something?"

I laughed so much I spilled the best part of my drink.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 14:47, 2 replies)

bargain hunters but stupid!!
In April of this year I thought I had seriously lost the plot and had spent £1000+ I couldnt account for until I got my bank statement 1k had gone to Asda £300 to (spit swear)Ryanair or Robbing air hate the company with a vengeance. I am straight on to the bank to get sorted - they did okayish but my main complaint with Asda online shopping was the fact that despite suspecting fraudulent activity and cancelling my account with them they never contacted me or flagged it with my bank so the feckers went on to spend money with RobbingAir. After a dozen phone calls 5+emails and one letter I have given up up complaining as they have not responded once to ANY correspondence I am now setting about slagging off the online service to all and anyone. My final rant email to them was about the fact that although the person "obviously had an eye for a bargain they had no brains" as the food/goods from asda had to be delivered to an address and the plane tickets were not in my name- All details have (according to my Bank) been passed to the police. If anyone knows a journo who would be interested in a slow news week I am happy to tell!!!I really want to teach the gits to ignore me. Rant over
(JuicyJ, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 14:38, 4 replies)

Razor
A few years ago I briefly developed an interest in personal grooming and invested in an electric razor. I got the box home. opened it up, briefly contemplated what lay inside and promptly marched back down to Currys.
"Good afternoon" I told the chap behind the counter " I have a bit of a problem with this electric razor you sold me." and handed him the box.
He opened it, stared at it for a moment then said, in a voice deep with confusion, "There is no razor in this box."
"That would be the problem. Could I have the razor I thought I was buying please?"

(Having then got the razor, I quickly remembered why I couldn't be arsed shaving in the first place and it died a lonely, rusty death in the back of a cupboard.)
(Big D, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 12:46, 2 replies)

Yes, I was being optimistic.
Last year I sent an email to the Beeb pointing out that while V festival, Glastonbury et al had been covered heavily, almost to saturation point in fact, coverage of Download had consisted of about an hour on Radio 1 and I wasn't overly impressed.
Got a polite reply that translates very roughly as "We can't do all the festivals so we're not going to bother with the one all the smelly, tattooed plebs go to."
Again ,mainstream coverage of Download pretty much nonexistent this year as well. Shame. Would have been nice to have seen Lawnmower Deth on BBC3.
(Big D, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 12:39, 3 replies)

Coalition deal coverage on BBC R4 News
I have not yet had a reply from the BBC in regard to the distortion of time / events during a news report broadcast in the immediate aftermath of the inconclusive election result earlier this year.
Essentially, the Friday 11pm news bulletin on R4 that week changed the running order of the three party leaders' initial proposals for meeting / discussing / offering deals to be something other than the chronological order in which they had taken place that day.
To my mind this hugely distorted the context of the speeches made. Indeed, it seemed to make one leader appear to reply to the speech of another which was unconnected and was not, in fact, made public first. It also seemed to delegate another leader to 'the back of the queue' in the power-sharing stakes.
I would still like to hear from the News & Current Affairs people as to what editorial decision was or wasn't made that evening in regard to this being broadcast in this defective/deceptive manner.
I'm not some paranoid conspiracy theorist, but this seemed like dereliction of duty, willful 'window-dressing' or a blatant abuse of power (possibly with very little actual outward effect).
(piggy, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 10:47, 5 replies)

Waitrose sandwich
Found a quite large bit of wet muddy twig in a chicken salad sandwich. took it back, explained twig issue and gave my details. Got nice letter a fortnight later saying they'd analysed the twig and sandwich remains, were sorry and gave me £16 of JL vouchers.
(piggy, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 10:24, 1 reply)

Brand and Ross
I complained to the BBC over that Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand/Manuel thing - I didn't feel that strongly about it, I just thought they were cocks and on TV too much.

It was a big mistake, as no-one can say "cunt" - or even "arse" on the BBC any more.

Ah, if it hadn't been that, it would have been something else.
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 2:09, 4 replies)

Part of the problem.
Remember how snowy it was in the new year? Remember how most flights got cancled due to ice? Well a certain strike prone airliners decided the best way to deal with this was to take everyone's luggage, lock it in a room and not let people have it until a large pile had built up, then they would pay thousands to get in emergancy staff to get the baggage back. I was one of those drafted in. After a days training, me and a bunch of people I knew from my last job are put on the phones to explain that we didn't know where your bags are, we could not offer anything like fair compensation and that the bag might find it's way to them if they wish hard enough.

I revived many complaints, mostly very reasonable, as in "You took my bags, you should give them back." however, these are no fun. The pick of the best are as follows:
- Your a useless bastard! (when I wouldent break the data protection act)
- You should go and look for my bag yourself! (I'm in Newcastle, the bags in London)
- Your very uncourtious! (This I resent, I am a very polite person and actualy phoned her son in Iran for her despite it being a bending of the rules. I gave her a telling off and then located her bag for her)
- I'm going to have you sacked. (My reply was "I have done everything in my power to help you and have broken no rules, plus my job ends in two days so I don't think they should bother)
- I'm phoning the police! (I advised them they are free to do what they want, but they may want to be careful as I didn't want then to get done for wasting police time!)
- My husband is on leave from Iraq and you have ruined it! (This was gutting, I felt like a twat and all I'd done was try and help)
- I want to speak to your manager! (I don't have one, and even if I did, he gets the exact same information I do, you'd be better off with the complaints department)


The worst job I've ever had, I was made to feel like a cunt for trying to help. I was usualy on the customers side.
(Mong goose, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 1:30, 1 reply)

I have resisted very strongly to post........
......That i wish to register a complaint
And then C&P the entire Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch

Can I just complain instead that Cheese & Onion crisp packets should be green.
Not blue, that colour of course is traditionally reserved for Salt & Vinegar
Whoever decided to reverse the colours needs to be taken somewhere private and have their sensitive bits doused in industrial strength crisp flavouring.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 0:17, 10 replies)

invisible gremlins
these fuckers infest my house. they must do, it's the only explanation.
they don't exist, you say? then why, in the name of rosie o'donnel's giant and terrifying minge, can i not, despite being the only person in this house, FIND MY FUCKING BLUE PYJAMAS!?
is it really too much to ask that something in here stays where i leave it? i hang my pyjamas neatly on the floor, why are they not there when i want to wear them? don't get me wrong, i love my black pyjamas, but they are silk and not altogether warm. i want my blue ones, they're warm and comfy.

my complaint, in case you hadn't guessed, is that i have missing pyjamas and thieving gremlins.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 0:01, 14 replies)

Cadbury's machines on the tube
Based on other replies of erm, pretty much cons, I feel moved to post my own from the teenage MademoiselleDave years..

Does anyone else remember when they first introduced the Cadbury's vending machines on the tube?
Chocolate! Available! To buy! Underground!!
Fuck yes.

I can't remember who taught me this but I would love to give my heartfelt thanks.

Often, posted besides the Cadbury's machine was a public telephone.
Telephones! From which to have conversations! Underground! Mind-blowing!

Many a happy day was spent phoning the freephone number listed on the front of the Cadbury's machine, providing the machine reference number (handily listed on said machine) and complaining it ate my shiny new one pound coin.

A few days after the phone calls, absolutely no word of a lie, they would send me a pound coin selotaped to a compliment slip.

I'm sure whoever was in the charge of the complaints MUST have been wise to my con but damnit, those little pound coins meant the world to me.

I am forever in debt to you, mystery benefactor. Your donations changed my formative years (I *think* for the better!)
( MademoiselleDave is drunk and on the internet again on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 23:57, 8 replies)

Took my aged mother to Taybarns* for lunch
and found what felt like a lump of fruit stone in my mouth. When I spat it out it looked more like a chunk of tooth.

I took it to the manager and complained, politely but bitterly. He apologised profusely and gave me a complaint form to fill in.

After scribbling out my details and a description of the foreign body, I returned to the food and polished off another few platesful.

Then... I realised that half of one of my molars was missing, possibly by now on the manager's desk.

I rushed over and explained, 'Erm, the tooth I found in my food, well, it seems that it's one of mine...'
My turn to apologise!

The manager and chef were highly amused, probably relieved and not at all angry and we parted on good terms.

When Ma and I left, they lined up beside the door, waved and called out 'Now, straight to the dentist, you hear?'

What sports! We've been back a few times and still get a wink if that manager's in.

*cheap all-you-can-eat buffet
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 23:57, 1 reply)

I did a complaint once.
and it turned out I was quite good at it, too. Let me tell you what and how...

It was nearing Christmas and I clumsily entered a late rush for mediocrity so as to avoid completely disappointing my family again, but for once knowing that I'd already achieved a small yet satisfying victory in the buying for my young nephew a Super Noisy Microphone Thing That'll Fucking Irritate the Gonads Off My Brother and His Missus Until the Batteries Die or They Kill Themselves to Death With it. It was the perfect gift for the wee lad and I felt not even the least pang of guilt at the fact that it was truly a cunty thing to do to his parents.

Christmas loomed ever nearer and still I'd taken no delivery of the SNMTTFItGOMBaHMUtBDoTKTtDWi so I peered into the Amazon to see if it had become lost among the general Christmas flotsam floating therein, only to see that I couldn't expect its delivery until sometime in the new year. "Well that's a bit rubbish, you twatting shit badgers" I may have thought before ignoring the whole sorry business and getting on with something less vexing in the hope that I was wrong about it all along.

However, upon eventually accepting that, much like the mousey innards I just found spread at the feet of my generous & happy little cat, it wasn't going to just mend itself without at least some interference from me, I set about emailing Amazon a long and meandering complaint that centred uncomfortably around the image of a deeply disappointed, yet desperately cute 4 year old child who would have to spend Christmas knowingly not getting his SNMTTFItGOMBaHMUtBDoTKTtDWi.

I expected nothing but a standard "cock off you pointless sweaty ball bag" letter in response, but the people who live in Amazon must have been touched by my nephew's sorrowful plight as they plucked a shiny new SNMTTFItGOMBaHMUtBDoTKTtDWi from the trees of their mystical land of brown cardboard and sent it forthwith, direct to the eager paws of my sibling's former testicle dribblings.

I was simultaneously loved and hated in equal measure that Christmas morning, and it felt a little bit like being drunk.
( Moey, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 23:42, Reply)

Letter to TV licensing
Roughly every 12 months, I get yet another letter from TV licensing asking me to confirm that I still haven't succumbed to temptation [sic] and bought a telly. "FUCK OFF!" I usually scream at the inanimate letter.

So I decided to write to them. I can barely contain my excitement for the next 12 months to see if they write again.



Customer Relations
TV Licensing
Bristol
BS98 1TL

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am in receipt of your letter, of a rather threatening tone, dated 26/7/10. This comes less than 12 months after I last informed you that I do not possess a television set, do not watch any television programmes as they are broadcast, and have no intention of changing either of these things.

You seem to work on the misguided assumption that everyone must watch broadcast television, and persist in using a threatening tone when requiring me, yet again, to explain that I do not. I am writing to you now though to explain a — perhaps misguided — assumption of my own.

I work on the assumption that people who send me unsolicited threatening letters are actually asking to suck my fucking cock. I'm quite happy to go along with this, but I do — of course — charge, in advance, for this privilege. I hereby request that you cease harrassing me with respect to my television viewing, and having explained my position to you, I hereby inform you that any further communication from you regarding this matter will be taken as a request to suck my fucking cock, and you will be invoiced £142.50 for this, payable within 21 days. It would be highly inconvenient for both of us if I were obliged to resort to the Small Claims Procedure of the County Court in order to secure payment of said invoice.

I trust this brings an end to the matter. I look forward to never hearing from you again, unless of course it concerns a request, with payment in advance, to come round a suck my fucking cock.

Best regards,


Sir Reginald Slapknackers
(Sir Reginald Slapknackers last slapped his knackers at, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 23:30, 27 replies)

grumpy diy'ers
while i was at college i had a job in a well known UK diy store who shall remain nameless (wickes). diy shops seem to get a large share of the consumer complainers maybe they dont like being told the way they are attempting to do something in their own homes wont work, or wont last long, or is down right dangerous or maybe they are being forced to so some work by the missus and take it out on the staff... but in my time there i had one official complaint letter sent in about me and this is that story...

At the back of our store was the racks where you could select your own bricks, edging stones, decorative wall cappings, brickweave, paving slabs etc... these racks where 2 bays high... most of the bricks and cappings were on the floor level and the slabs and other flooring where at about shoulder height.... we used to get a few women sent in for slabs while their hubbys were at home laying some or preparing to... and of course one of us blokes would happily load 20 slabs on a trolly... cart them outside and break the suspension on their cars with them...

one day i was having a tidy up on this aisle, re-stacking the bricks and sweeping up etc, i saw but didnt really pay any attention to a family further down near the the bags of cement and sand and gravel etc.. there was a middle aged couple, a bloke in his late teens... son im guessing and some younger girls... i saw the son and dad both lifting bags of cement and sand from the floor level racks onto their trolley, proving straight away that they were able bodied gentleman. the son then pulled the loaded trolley down towards me and they all stood there for a few seconds surveying the selection before the dad suddenly exclaimed loudly in my direction

man: "how am i supposed to get these down from there... thats bloody dangerous"

me: "i can give you a hand if you want"

man: "thats not what i asked, whats the point of having them up there"

me: "well we dont have the space to have them all on the floor"

man: "so you expect people to get them down from there, thats against health and safety

me: "well its the same in most of our stores and most other diy stores, its lifting single slabs from shoulder height to the trolley, like i said im happy to do it for you"

man: "well its dangerous, i dont mind lifting them from the floor but not up there"

me: "sir arn't you going to take these outside, lift them into your car... then lift them from the car and to where ever in the garden you want them"

man: "yes but none of those places are at this height"

it was then i uttered the words "well sir, loads of other people have managed just fine" and walked away

3 days later head office faxed through a complaint letter they had received and the man was sent a gift card and some flowers for his wife who was deeply shocked at the service they had received. As always head office had blanked out the address on the letter so that i and probably many other people across the stores in the UK couldn't call round or post a note using the words twat, wanker and c*** several times

length ? 16 x 16 x 2 in terracotta red
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 22:54, 1 reply)

My mother is the queen of complaining.
She really scares the shit out of people, and me.
Now I've worked in retail and have had dealings with arseholes like her before, I hang round after her in shops and apologise.

Sadly I wasn't able to do this with Harrods, where the manager phoned up to apologise for whatever she complained about.
Same happened with Fortnum and Masons, the cocks sent her an out of date cake. BASTARDS.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 3 Sep 2010, 22:51, Reply)

The other day
I bought some sort of chicken and pasta salad thing from Tesco. I was maybe 75% through when I felt a bit of bone in my mouth. This may happen with chicken and managed to fish it out of my mouth. Turns out to be a small fragment of plastic.
It took it back into the store (as I had been sitting on a bench nearby eating it). The woman on Customer Service desk was great. Asked lots of questions, wrote a mini-statement of sorts and said I'll hear something soon. In the meantime, here's double the refund.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 22:48, 6 replies)

Mr Porky
Me and my son went to the garage and picked up a bag of pork scratchings each. We proudly carried home our bags of porky goodness, but imagine my son's surprise when he sat on the sofa and pulled out not a rind of salty juicey crackling, but what looked like a roast pig's ear.

He bravely had a nibble before conceding that it tasted like shit, and put it back in the bag. Thinking he might be being a bit mard, I had a nibble and it was indeed shit.

Popped it back in the bag, into a jiffy, and sent it back to the manufacturers.

4 weeks passed, and I received a very apologetic letter, and a postal order for 5 briton pounds. The postal order was a bastard to cash (post office queues and all that), but I guess you need to cater for all your customers when your main product is dead pig.

I did also mention in my letter that rinds are not as hairy as they used to be, but I did not get a reply on that matter. Still, a fiver is a fiver!

This was my first and only time I complained.

Mrs. Piper A makes a living out of complaining. My favourite was when she wrote to Lucozade highlighting that as they make an energy drink and the consumer may be devoid of fuel, they shouldn't fasten the bottle tops on so fucking tight. Result! - 20 quid voucher for sugary pop!
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 22:43, 1 reply)

Mike or TL:DR or Your scroll wheel is in the post. (Apologies!)
Erm.. it's a long one but after cautionary tales from Kip and SLVA on an earlier post I'll dare to post it here rather than in the replies as I originally intended.

I'm a cunt. Sorry.. I mean I work in accounts for a company that use business credit cards from Shit Creditcard Co. The monthly statements are very important. I need them as soon as I can get them for a variety of boring reasons.

The company which provides this used to post them out - fuckssake. Then, in May 2009 they switched to online - brilliant!
But somehow the June 2009 statements didn't appear. By post or online. This is really, really bad for me. Lots and lots and lots of phone calls later and I resorted to the online web request form (which I knew from past experience was useless but I was desperate).

Here's my message:

"Please can you send June 2009 statements immediately. They are not online nor have they been posted to us after repeated requests.
We need them urgently.
Please contact me to let me know you have actioned this request.
Thank you.
Mademoiselle Dave Davison III." Sent on Monday August 3rd 2009.

More phone calls later. Getting seriously stressed out now. More FUCKING HOLD FUCKING MUSIC.
Then! I receive this back from [email protected] on the 18th of August.

"Dave,

Following our upgrade to our system we have experienced some problems with some statement generation which is still being investigated.

Shitcreditcardco have made a business decision standardise on
statement to the format you have received. If you require any copy
statement this can done by utilising our online system.

I appreciate that change is always difficult but in line with many
companies we have reviewed our operational cost and it is inefficient to
print and continue to post paper statements.

To keep our pricing competitive and in line with our environmental
policy a decision has been taken to offer an online facility to our
customers to either view online or print individual cardholder
statements themselves.

If you have not already registered for our Online facility please
follow the attached link and follow the on screen instructions that will take you through the registration process.

You will be able to see your statements on line if you will go to the
attached web link and register for online services.

If you require any further assistance please call a Customer Services Representative on: xxxx-xxxx-xxxx

Regards."

I appreciate this is a standard automated bullshit response but at this point I was close to tears so resorted to sarcasm and typed out the below response never to be read by a human being ever but damn, it felt good.

"Mike,

May I call you Mike? It's much less formal that way isn't it? Lovely.

Anyway, Mike, thanks for coming back to me so quickly not only in confirmation of receipt but also in an attempt to help me solve my urgent request of the 3rd August.
Don't worry, the urgency has lessened now. These things tend to do so with time, don't you think?
They say it's a great healer.
Perhaps, with time, the upgrades to your system and the pesky problems caused, may be ironed out. Fingers crossed!

It is of great comfort to me that Shit Credit Card Co have made such a wise business decision standardise on statement to the format I received. Whilst I admit I didn't fully understand that sentence, no doubt it's purely because these things are above my intellect.

I am also very pleased that I can obtain any copy of my statements by utilising the online system. Previously I had just been utilising the system to waste some time. Mostly I practiced inputting rude words and the like. Fun it was too.

Thank you for appreciating the difficulties that clients may have with change. I personally fear change. Terrible thing. But! You are correct, many other companies are doing it so why don't you?
I would advise you to avoid steep cliffs however.
And a great big thank you for saving the trees. I can breathe easier knowing this.

I have, in fact registered with your Online facility but thanks for the heads up anyway, Mike.
And again, thank you for the instructions on how to view statements.

Sadly however, there was one time when I thought I'd use your Online services for something other than messing about and I noticed that lo and behold, our June statements are not in fact Online!
I'm sure this is my oversight however.

I would love to speak to a Customer Services Representative - if only to hear that delightful hold music again. So far, since the 20th July, I must have listened to it for about 20 hours if you add it all up. It's just that great.

Sometimes a Representative would interrupt the beautiful music and I would have to think of something to say, though.
Generally I just asked for copies of our June statements or for information as to why our June statements were not appearing online. This was just the first thing on top of my head, though.
And I was always more than pleased to ring back the next day to listen to those beautiful sounds once more.

Mike, even just today, I fancied hearing it! However once again, after only a few minutes, perhaps 30, it was interrupted by another Customer Services Representative. Tis a shame but I got over it and asked again.
Not to worry though, she has promised to send copies through and like so many others, does not know why they are not available on line. Oh well.

I have just one suggestion though. Maybe, just to mix things up, you could change the music every so often. Don't worry about the cost of this. Perhaps you can use the money we paid you for providing our June Shit Credit Card co service?

I look forward to phoning again tomorrow. And perhaps you and I can have another chat soon.
To be honest I've forgotten what this was all about in the first place!

Thanks again for emailing, Mike!

Lots of love
Dave (Hell, you can call me D-Rock, buddy!)

My boss let me send it but predictably no response.

I am EXTREMELY sorry for the length but I look forward to receiving your complaints!
( MademoiselleDave is drunk and on the internet again on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 20:59, 2 replies)

This thing
is an aggregation of the biggest bunch of po-faced moaning bastards you'll ever read online - ever:

www.eveningtimes.co.uk/

Complaints about everything - it's like a more low-brow version of the Daily Mail.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 20:41, 2 replies)

I see your complaints, and think I have just the cure.
Now, look at this picture.




What were you going to complain about again?
(epinephrine, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 18:49, 28 replies)

This obnoxious family had a horrible loudmouthed little brat
When I was on vacation. I kept complaining to the staff who assured me they'd take care of it. I thought I was gonna get my room switched, but received a knock at the door and an assurance I'd "never hear from her again."

Portugal's ace!
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 18:23, 4 replies)

Ohh, and another quicky...
Bought a Sharwoods naan bread and found a long white hair in it. Sent polite letter off and got an apology plus £10 Sharwoods voucher.

Went to Sainsburys and bought a selections of Sharwoods products and the till monkey took one look at my voucher and insisted it could not be used as it had no bar code on it. I demanded a manager and got a condecending supervisor who agreed it was not a valid voucher. Got her name and detials and wrote to their head office and got a reply stating that she was wrong and should have accepted the voucher and was going to be "re trained" LOL!

On top of that they gave me a £10 Sainsburys voucher. Took the letter and BOTH vouchers back to the store expecting another argument at the till and they took it and did not bat an eyelid this time.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Fri 3 Sep 2010, 17:58, Reply)

I went to Ikea in Croydon once...
A more wretched hive of scum and villainy you will not find....

I had just moved into my new house and my other half wanted a bed from Ikea. So we went online and checked the stock availiability and they had it all there (You can't just buy a bed, you have to buy it all seperate, one head, one foot, two sides, one mattress, etc etc). I even called them up to check they have all the bits. The lady on the phone assures me that they do indeed have all the parts in stock.

We drive from near Guildford to Croydon. Not a nice drive, but its the nearest store (Yeah, maybe Wembley is a bit nearer i dunno...) We go round the warehouse collecting the parts we need and get to the area where we should be finding the side beams, a pretty major part of the bed. Sitting there is an empty pallet where our bed should be. "They must have them out the back" i thought. I looked round for a friendly and helpful member of staff and then remembered i was in Ikea so i grabbed the nearest yellow shirted waste of bones and organs.

"Excuse me, do you have any more of these items in your warehouse, i only need these to complete my bed and then pay". The guy looked at me and shrugged his shoulders and went to walk away. Mother fucker!!! This got my back up a bit so i told him that i wanted him to check. He went off and came back empty handed. I explained that the staff had advised that they had loads in stock and he said to me "Did they do a physical check? Sometimes the computers are wrong"

"Better get the manager down here then, i just drove miles to come here on that advice from your staff that you had all my stuff in stock and you dont seem to be able to help me" i said to him.

"There is no manager around at the moment" he retorts.

"In that case im going to have these bits off one of your display beds and if there is no manager about, are you going to try and stop me?"

At this he looks around at a load of trollies that had been piled up with peoples items that had been left whilst they went off for meatballs and chips and goes "Look, on that trolley over there are two bits you want. Just take them off there." At which point he moved them all and grabbed the bits and handed them to me! Result!

I can only assume that he fucked off before the owners came back, but either way i was happy as i had my bed and i even splashed out on two of those "Klippan" sofas (They lasted about a year before we binned them. Utter shite). On the way through the checkout with all this stuff the imbecile on the till did not scan the headboard which saved me £70! Then they tried to scam me for a delivery charge of £60 but as i would still be a tenner up, i paid it with a smile!

But, thats not all. As we now had all this stuff on loads of trollies, i had to make many trips through the check out and after the first sofa i told the girl on the till i would be back in a bit with the other sofa. So grabbed one and stuck it on two trollies and thought "Shit, i forgot the covers for them". They come in a basic sandstone colour and you can get different colour covers for them. So i grabbed two black ones and piled them on the sofa. Eventually i got all the stuff to the home delivery area and paid up my £60 and went home happy with just my sofa covers under my arm. Only when my other half looked and said "Did you pay for those?" did i realise that they were not actually free with the sofas, we later checked the catalogue and they were in fact £60 each!!! Normally i would have gone back, but i had driven miles, been treated like a cunt. I felt it was the least they could do for my trouble.

Little did i know i would be back in that same store a few days later with a bigger complaint...

The moral of this story: Dont buy anything from Ikea that you want to last more than a week. Its overpriced and shit quality.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Fri 3 Sep 2010, 17:49, 13 replies)

Muahahah!
This is a question I can answer lots of. Will pace myself over the weekend so as to not fill a page. Most recently, I complained about a pie I bought at Marks and Spencer. In my defence it was falling apart and couldn't be cooked. I was fairly polite. They were really nice actually - they sent me some gift vouchers.
(52486 office lolled on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 17:48, Reply)

My monitor decided to have a backlight fault - no colouring in and no porn - this was an emergency :(
So I called the company up and they swapped it out in good time. Nice!
Only they swapped it for a less version. I wasn't happy. So I called up again, and they swapped it again. With the same lesser version; but only a bit damaged. We are into week two by now.

I called and had no luck as the lush monitor I paid top quids for wasn't an option.. .. .. Really?...

So I worked out their email format and possible formats. Then went looking for every name I could for the company. Made a little excel tool to combine them all up and emailed the fucking lot of them. The letter was grown up and asked if the top CEO in Taiwan was a liar and a cheat? And for him, to prove me wrong.

I got a call in about 20mins and my monitor in the next few days.
No point talking to call centre plebs after a while they can only do so much and they can't help if the staff sending out the monitors can't get it right.

Moral, know your enemy.
Length, No idea - haven't seen over this gut in years.
(waxdart hello., Fri 3 Sep 2010, 17:21, Reply)

Pearoast
About Abbey National (now Santander) and nearly eight months of continuous, pig-ignorant, addled fuckery.

Click for story.

Apologies for length, but it's a good 'un (oo-er missus)
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 17:07, 4 replies)