Landlord from Hull
My ex and her best friend moved into a house which turned out to have the world's laziest, least helpful and most irritating landlord. His piece de resistance, however, was when I mentioned to him that some of the spindles in the banister along the top landing were missing - causing gaps which the girls' kids could easily fall through, into a drop of three stories.

"How old are the kids?" asked Barry the Landlord.

"Er, three and four," I replied, wondering why that was relevant.

"Well," he concluded smugly, "They'll soon grow and be too big to fit through then, won't they?"

Awesome.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 14:28, 1 reply)

Problem Resolved
A mate and I once ordered an omelette each in a cafe in North London.

One omelette arrived, on one plate, with a bit of lettuce and half a tomato, so I we mentioned we'd ordered two omelettes.

'Terribly sorry - we'll just sort that out for you.'

He goes away, and two minutes later, two plates are brought over with half an omelette, a bit of lettuce, and a quarter of a tomato each.

We didn't go back again.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 14:27, 6 replies)

Channel 4 Complaint Line
Back in 1997-98 or so, me and my mate used to visit the pub a little too often. After kicking out time, we'd stumble back to our house and switch on the telly to watch 'Vids' on late night Channel 4. We liked it. And then the series ended. We didn't like that.

So we decided to complain. We rang the Channel 4 complaints line and complained. Except. Each night we returned from the pub, worse for wear, we'd fish out the Channel 4 complaints line number, dial it up, and begin complaining, and as this went on, our complaints became tinged with a sort of 'persecution complex' - "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US!?!? WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU!?!" type stuff (I think there may have been some "crying" as well). There must have been about a dozen phone calls all up.

'Vids' got a second series. Coincidence?


www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-dvAEoyE1w
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 14:23, 6 replies)

The tesco bike racks of uselessness
In my town they built a new tesco and of course installed bike racks on the side wall of the shop. It didn't take long to realise there had been some stupid mistake made. The racks, effectively a steel tube loop to knee height, had been bolted to the ground right up against the wall. This meant you couldn't get your bike close enough to the rack to actually make use of it. At best you could bolt one wheel, but the rack wouldn't support your bike anyway so they were effectively useless. I mentioned this to customer service but nothing happened.

Then after a year or so some genius decided they needed bigger trolley racks by the door, so the bike racks got moved further away. Still with the same problem of being too close to the wall but now with the added bonus of not being covered by the overhanging roof, so you could get nicely wet if it was raining. Again, noted to customer service but nothing done.

The final straw for me was when smoking in the work place was banned. This meant all the staff on their fag break would come out of the staff door next to the bike rack and puff away.

One day I arrived at the shop with my daughter in tow on her bike trailer. I was out of breath so breathing heavily, except the air was thick with smoke. As a non smoker it was pretty yucky, but it's not like there was anywhere else to lock my bike. More to the point my 3 year old girl was also now coughing and saying it smelt etc. I resolved to get it sorted. I told customer services but 2 weeks later still nothing.

SO.... I did some research. I found the board of directors names for Tesco and wrote a structured letter advising them of the problem, the experience and more importantly the ongoing health problems I and my daughter could suffer etc. Then emailed it to the whole board of directors, the local newspapers and regional cycling clubs.

Within 48 hours the bike racks were replaced, moved away from the wall so they could be used and I've never seen the staff smoking outside the shop since :-)

Sometimes it's not what you say, just who you say it to.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 14:17, 17 replies)

British Airways
I had to carry a Mac Pro on a flight from Brazil to England. It's one of those big beasts, they weight 22kgs.

I wrapped it in bubble wrap, tied a convenient carrying handle on it, stuck 'fragile' stickers on it, and checked it in.

When I got it back in London, it had been irreparably smashed. The case, which is fucking STRONG on those, was completely bucked, and the motherboard had been shattered. It had obviously been thrown / dropped from somewhere high.

To cut a long story short, after emialing BA in UK, and been told to email BA in RIo, and vice versa etc etc (fast forward about 3 months, 10 emails, several photos of before and after) I got a reply from customer services in UK advising me;

'We suggest in future you take your laptop as hand baggage'.

Laptop? 22kg hand baggage? I don't think so.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 14:13, 10 replies)

The correct use of the words "Premier League muppetry" in a letter of complaint
You might remember my epic letter of complaint to a car hire company on the B3ta links page a few weeks ago in which I asked for a refund on a car that fell to pieces around my ears over the space of a week's rental. Needless to say, they didn't write back, so before I go and crap through their letterbox (it being the only language these curs understand), it's time to get to the point.

Dear Managing Director of Useless Vehicle Rentals

I note your employees have chosen to ignore my last two letters of complaint to your company regarding the poor condition of the car you rented to me back in June.

You may remember that it leaked oil, the brakes failed, the radio didn't work and the car only had three hubcaps. A week of hassle-free motoring was, in the end, a drive into frustration, further expense and blood-curdling terror.

To get to the point:

- I reject your hilarious offer for a massive 10% off my next rental, because that's never going to happen

- I ask for full repayment for the oil I put into your car. You still owe me £8.99

- I ask for a full refund on the rental because, frankly, that car should never have left your forecourt

You appear to have people in your employ who think that Premier League muppetry is a perfectly acceptable way of dealing with customers. This being the case, [name removed]' loss is U-Drive's gain.

Yours etc

S Duck
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 14:06, 4 replies)

Funnily enough I’m going to write one today.


On a flight with Virgin Atlantic my 8 year old daughter had the living crap scared out of her when she go to see a film that another passenger was watching. A naked woman tied to the bed, ball gag in mouth being brutalised by men in ski masks.

Lets see if they reply this week
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 2 Sep 2010, 14:04, 12 replies)

Can you ride a bike?
Holy crap just realised that this happened 20 years ago back in 1990.... Anyway, back then mountain bikes were the relatively new craze and so of course Halfords jumped on the bandwagon and produced some pretty bad bikes branded "Apollo". Limited family funds meant I got one of those. Understandably it came with 2 buckled wheels (from standing in the crappy display stands the shop used). Of course all new bikes were serviced and setup by the minimum wage shop monkeys before sale, this meant that any attempt to use the very piss poor cantilever brakes sounded a note that would rival any world cup Vuvuzela!

So a couple of weeks after buying the bike Dad takes me back to the shop and they agree to check it over, he goes home and I collect the bike a few hours later. Within a few days it's back to it's musical harmony like a hippo in an orchestra and so of course when Saturday comes around we go back to Halfords. Repeat this another 2 times.

Finally Dad decides enough is enough. We go back to the shop on a busy Saturday and he asks for the manager. After much debate about the problem, in which the "mechanics" admitted the gem that to straighten a buckled wheel they "pull it straight in the vice" without adjusting the spokes, so of course as soon as ridden the wheels buckle again, Dad loudly says to the manager "Can you actually ride a bike?". A hush decends in the packed shop and the manager looks both offended and confused, but then he also only looked about 21. "Of course I can sir" he says. "Well then you ride that bike 100 yards up the high street outside and try to tell me there's nothing wrong with it!".

And so, on a busy Saturday afternoon in Watford high street a small crowd assembles outside Halfords to watch the shop manager ride my mountain bike up the high street. He gets on... starts to peddle.... the gears click crunch, attempt to derail etc but he makes it to a modest brisk walk pace... he gets about 20 metres away and applies the brakes... "Woo Waa Wail SCREEEEEECH!!!!". Everyone with earshot, and by that I mean half a mile in any direction, stops and turns to look at what sounded like a bag of cats being run over. The manager got off the bike and chose to walk it back to the shop, arriving very red faced he simply said, "I'll have it fixed by the end of the day sir". So by the end of the day my bike had 2 new wheels and for once worked properly.

EPILOGUE part 1: Monday morning came around and my Dad walks into Halfords again. "Hi, I'm here to see the manager." he says. The manager duly appears presumeably having been told that difficult bloke is back and with a sigh says "Yes sir, what seems to be the problem today?". "Nothing, you asked me to visit you. I'm from the careers office and I understand you're looking to recruit more staff?".


EPILOGUE part 2: Within 6 months my being a teenager and regular bike rider had two effects. I was quickly outgrowing my bike and it was in an appauling state as it was after all an Apollo. Luckily some chav did me a favour and nicked it so I got a nice new one on the house insurance :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 14:03, 5 replies)

Oh, it's a long one!!!
Answer in replies.




Length? not as long as the letter.
(Kip, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:57, 13 replies)

I witnessed a truly awesome complaint
I was riding a bus in the US, when it suddenly pulled over and stopped. The driver turned the engine off, and sat there staring ahead with her arms folded.

After a couple of minutes, one of the passengers cautiously approached and asked what the problem was.

"I don't like people talking behind my back!" she roared in reply.

Hmm, kinda think you're in the wrong profession there.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:55, 1 reply)

I had a problem with BT....
..yeah, I know..."who hasn't"? you might say. But anyway, I was complaining to people, getting random promises to call me back or install a fix for my problem tomorrow etc all to no avail.

So I launched an Executive Email Carpet Bomb.

The next day I had a PA from one of the top execs dealing with me personally, and my problem was resolved within 48 hours.

It works. Do it, and do it hard.


(mcnelson, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:50, 2 replies)

The tale of the cornflake
Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was a serial complainer\consumer terrorist.
She used to fire letters of complaint off to all manner of unsuspecting companies regarding their shoddy wares or in this case, food. The usual response was a fistful of money off vouchers or a cheque from the unsuspecting compant to calm the rabid bitch's fevered brow.
Anyway, one day, Kelloggs appeared on her radar because they'd committed the heinous crime of palming a large box of cornflakes off on the unsuspecting masses (in this case her) with a burnt cornflake in it.
The sternly worded letter of complaint was duly wriiten and despatched post haste to those fine people at Kelloggs. She really went to town on them over how outrageous it was that such a fine upstanding company should be peddling this sub standard filth on the general public and what were they going to do about it regarding compensating her for this impurity in her breakfast cereal.

Their response?

A "With Complements" slip with a single replacement cornflake taped to the top right hand corner...
(frightfullybored, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:46, 9 replies)

I used to write one complaint letter per week
back when I was a student I discovered that at the time Tesco didn't care if you bought the product or not to honour any coupons, plus companies would happily buy your silence with a free products or £5 off coupon etc.

So I made it a mission to once a week turn my 2nd class stamp into a few quid off my groceries by complaining about something, anything.

This includes Terry's chocolate orange bars being much smaller than their wrapper, so the product took up disproportional shelf space and led to a dissappointing purchase!

Also salt and shake crisps missing the bag of salt, McDonalds drive through with a messy bag that "might" have stained my passenger seat etc etc.

Yes complaining often won't change the world but it can turn a small profit :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:46, Reply)

i don't get to play with enough breasts

( broadsword w⚓, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:37, 6 replies)

At work
There's four full time 'People Team' (HR/Recruitment) employees for a relatively small company. I wouldn't have a problem with this, if they did anything useful (getting them to do anything practical like help you sort a problem out or actually recruit anyone is... well... challenging).

What they actually do is organise subsidised stuff for our 'Social Club', which they then inform us about with about three All-Staff emails per day.

This does make it a good company to work for, in principle, but there's a theme to the events they organise...

- Aromatherapy
- Massage
- Get your nails done
- Get your lashes done
- Tanning
- Homeopathic Consultations
- Waxing
- Acupuncture

Slightly piqued at this, I one day dropped the head of HR an email asking if they could possibly organise some events that might appeal to:

a) The 50% of the workforce who are men
b) People who had a vague comprehension of medical science

I received a reply telling me not to send rude emails to HR, and a pamphlet on alternative therapies.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:37, 4 replies)

When I was about 15 I was getting on a National Express bus from London to Cornwall
Two guys before me were told the bus was full. I saw money change hands and the two men were seated. I went to get on and was told sorry the bus is full. I had a valid ticket for that exact bus so complained loudly and shouted at the guy that I had seen him tell the other two that the bus was full yet they slip him money and are seated. Arguements went back and forth and I said I was going to the office to report him. I went to the luggage bay and grabbed my guitar and backpack. He grabbed me as I walked away and pushed me to the floor. I Got up and he then grabbed my guitar and threw it to the floor breaking it. He then walked back to the bus got in and drove away.

I went to the office where I was promptly grabbed by security. The driver had got on the bus and reported that he had just had to throw a violent man with a guitar off the bus and not to let me board any other bus. I told my story and they agreed that they couldn't leave a 15 year old stranded in London. I was placed on a bus but told that I would be thrown off if any trouble happened. Again I explained that I had never been able to board the bus in the first place as they guy sold my seat to someone else.

When I got home a long letter of complaint was written. I got no reply. I phoned and it was confirmed that they had received it. I still heard nothing. More letters were sent this time recorded, still no response. I made more calls and was never allowed to speak with the person in charge. When I called they seemed to know exactly who I was and fob me off with more and more excuses of why I couldn't talk to her.

Eventually I went to a solicitor and paid big bucks to get them to write a letter demanding they pay for the repairs on my guitar. Surprise surprise I hear nothing. We pay more money for copy of CCTV footage, we had exact date and time. We get a letter saying that they are unable to provide as they are unable to see who I am amongst the other people there. I wrote another letter giving them a clue that I was the one being pushed over and having his guitar broken. No response. More calls came to nothing and they started denying the woman worked there anymore. Then they started claiming to have no record of it. As they never wrote to me except to say they couldn't provide CCTV I had no proof they had any details about me and gave up. It had been going on for 2 years.

These days with no win no fee I'd just phone one of the numbers of the telly and let them deal with it. National Express are cunts. I've taken the train ever since.
( Peej, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:37, Reply)

Still going on
I may have mentioned my altercation with the company that sounds a bit like 'Your rope car', here's an email I sent them a couple of months back. This is still on-going by the way. The only satisfaction I have is wording these missives.

So, ladies and gentlemen...

Dear Ms Lindsay,

Your recent emails have left me astounded and bewildered. My complaint email was sent to you on 14th December 2009, why are you dealing with it only now, EIGHT MONTHS after I contacted you? Wait, I think I have the answer, I told my credit card not to pay your invoice for towing your car from Cambridge railway station to the local Vauxhall dealer. Why did I instruct them not to pay it? Because I had already made full and final settlement of this incident, months before. I managed to get this matter dealt with by the York office - they charged me for rental up to Saturday 12th December and for diesel - both of which I agreed to, just to put the whole sorry matter behind me for good and all. THIS WAS AGREED.

There was no mention of being charged for getting the car from the station to the dealer and this amount will have to be claimed back from your insurers, or under the new car warranty. Either way I AM NOT GOING TO PAY THIS.

Do you realise that the original rental cost was £78.27? On top of this I had to pay for an extra week's rental that I didn't use, train tickets from Cambridge to York TWICE. I also wasted hours of my life and spoilt what was to have been a relaxing weekend break. It cost me over £300 ON TOP of the original rental cost and has ensured that I will never rent a car in the UK again, and I will also tell anyone that listens not to rent from your company.

I have already paid the extra rental, back in March this year, the cost of the towing was only taken from my card this month. I stopped the payment and, lo and behold, my 'complaint' has been looked at and dealt with in one morning by you. Did you know that I'd settled this account?

I am not satisfied with your reply. I appreciate the refund of the fuel charge but there is no way I'm paying for the recovery of the vehicle at this late date. People in your organisation are very hard to get hold of, but I understand your new Chief Executive is called Philippe Guillemot and I have attempted to copy this email to him. If I have the address wrong, I would appreciate it if you could let me have the correct one so that I can raise this matter with him, or his office. I have paid you over £200 as a 'stupid tax' for losing the key, I don't intend paying any more and look forward to your acknowledgement of this state of affairs. If you insist on maintaining your decision, please let me know the next step in escalating this complaint.

Yours,

Che Grimsdale (Mr)
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:36, 2 replies)

I doubt I'll post anything else this week, except for:
I once wanked about 5 times in succession onto my bedside cabinet. By next morning, it had solidified into what looked like lacquered coral with osteoporosis. The only way I could clean it off was with a surform. I was cum-planing for a good 10 mins that morning.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:34, Reply)

I hate not ever being first
Stupid 5 hour time difference, I got up early for nuthin. I hate this QOTW. My feet hurt. My shoulder aches. Who drank all the milk? The sun's too bright. Did you use all the hot water? I need a new toothbrush. Do I have to do everything in this house?

Can you tell I'm married? I've got a neverending supply of complaints. You guys are gonna hate me.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:27, Reply)

Yes I have complained
And yes it did work.
Apart from the occasions when I didn't complain or it didn't work.
I think that about covers it.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:26, Reply)

Pearoasting question gets pearoasted answer:
From: A Vagabond
Sent: XX January 20XX 15:01
To: A London Hotel
Cc: A Vagabond Hotmail
Subject: The Loss of My Hat

Dear Sir,

After a weekend of inconvenience, I have been advised to email you details of the situation I have been put in by your staff when I attended the XXXXXXXXXX staff Christmas Party at the your London Hotel on Friday XXth November 20XX.

Herewith details:

1. I took my black trilby hat and my black leather jacket to the cloakroom.
2. On attendance I suggested I needed two tickets – one for my hat, the other for my coat.
3. I was assured I only needed one ticket; that they would both be fine on this one ticket.
4. On returning to the cloakroom to collect my hat and coat, my hat could not be found.

I spoke to a kind and professional attendant called XXXX, who told me to call in the morning to see if my hat had been found, which I did at 9am in the morning of Saturday XXth November 20XX. I gave all necessary and requested details – including that I had spoken to XXXX. I said also that the hat could not just disappear; I can’t believe your staff would steal it, and that they would not be so incompetent as to give it to someone else after having assured me they would take care of it using only a single ticket. I also requested that once it was found that it be sent to me. I made it clear I had a train to catch at 12 o’clock, and would require the hat by then. I was told I would be called back in 10 minutes.

After half an hour I had not been called, so called back, and was told I would be called back in 10 minutes. 20 minutes later I was called back, to be told that the staff were still looking into the problem. I was told that I would be called back with any further information. I was called back at around 2pm to be told that there was still no further information, and that the staff were looking into the problem. By this point I was on my train, and rather put out by the whole situation; what with the UK going into winter and the weather turning slightly chilly, and knowing that there’s only going to be more to come. I was asked what the hat cost and where I got it, to which I responded that I bought the hat several years ago in Seville, Spain, and that it was a unique and personally valuable possession of mine. I was rather perturbed to then be asked if I had a receipt for the hat! Obviously I don’t, it being several years old.

I request that my hat be replaced by you by a good London milliner, which I understand to charge between £150 and £200 for similar. I feel this is a more reasonable request than for one of your staff to fly out to Seville in order to replace it.

I would like to conclude this correspondence by complimenting your staff on their professionalism and courtesy in dealing with what would appear to be a confusing situation.

Sincerely,

A Vagabond

From: A London Hotel
Sent: XX January 20XX 13:39
To: A Vagabond
Subject: RE: The Loss Of My Hat

Dear A Vagabond,

Thank you again for your email.

As promised, I have now had the opportunity to fully investigate your comments. I very much regret that after a thorough search of the hotel your hat cannot be located.

Please accept my most sincere apologies for the problems that you experienced at the cloakroom on the evening of the XXth November. As you will be aware, there was a huge amount of guests wishing to retrieve coats etc from the cloakroom all at the same time and I can only assume that your hat has been collected by someone else in error. I am extremely sorry that I can offer no further explanation but I can assure you that the hotel has been thoroughly searched and needless to say, I have spoken at great length with the relevant managers in order to prevent any future reoccurrence.

I would be happy to authorise payment for a replacement hat of up to the value of £150.00. If you would like to purchase a new hat and send me the receipt and I will then arrange for you to be reimbursed by cheque.

Once again I am very sorry for the inconvenience caused.

If I can be of any further assistance then please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

The Manager

From: A Vagabond
Sent: XX January 20XX 09:31
To: A London Hotel
Cc: A Vagabond Hotmail
Subject: RE: The Loss of My Hat

Dear Sir,

Please find attached a copy of the receipt for my replacement hat.

Please confirm receipt of this email, and that you will be send a cheque within 14 days to the address below.

Sincerely,

A Vagabond


Home Address:

My Howse

From: A London Hotel
Sent: XX January 20XX 10:17
To: A Vagabond
Subject: RE: The Loss Of My Hat

Dear A Vagabond,

I am writing to inform you that the cheque has been posted out to the address given below first class today.

Kind Regards,

The Manager


____________________


Post scriptum: My original titfer cost E30.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:26, 15 replies)

Classic Armstrong & Miller
'I bought Trainspotting off you last week and look, it's cheese!'
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:25, 2 replies)

Fifth even
I was still typing when the last one finished, so I'm going to post it anyway.

When I was about 8, I found the stash of easter eggs about 10 days before Easter. When nobody was about, I used to ever so carefully peel open the back off the box and break bits off the back of the egg. Afterwards, I would then get the Prittstick and gum the cardboard back down. From the front, it looked like a full egg and the box looked like it hadn't been tampered with.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:20, 2 replies)

This quesiton of the week is shit
nuff said

edit: I'm claiming offical first for having an on topic complaint.

This text is of no real purpose other than to flesh a post that can be easily over looked.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:20, 1 reply)

Third!
Well, here's a happy story with a positive ending.

I complained about my phone contract when the mercenary bastards increased my tariff without telling me. Not only that but they disconnected an old sim card and sold the number to someone else (This was a pay as you go one and there was money still on the account)

I complained a number of times, to no avail. Then I received a "how are we doing?" survey - I gave them 1 out of 10. This was swiftly followed up by an apologetic customer relations person, who managed to refund my original money lost on the pay as you go phone, refund the money owed to me on my contract, and as a gesture of good will refund an additional month for the problems caused.

Excellent customer service in the end, and a proper result... just so annoying the hoops that I had to jump through to actually get it!
(libraryboy Cheer up, you could be french!, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:19, Reply)

Damn - totally didn't win
I once bought some cheese from a supermarket in Paris. They overcharged me. I wrote to head office. They wrote back and said "Take it up with the store - we're a franchise". I wrote to the store. They didn't reply.

It was good cheese, though not worth 50 Euro. Took me ages to translate the letter...
(sabre-tooth monkey, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:18, 3 replies)

i wanted to be first
fucking queue jumpers.

EDIT ahh fuck it. i wanted to be second to complain about being first.
the human condition. right there.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:18, 2 replies)