Can't belive I haven't seen it posted yet.
I, like most humans of the male persuasion with a reasonable grasp of literacy, require reading material while I evacuate my bowel.

Personal tastes differ, as is to be expected. Intellectual types may enjoy the works of shakespeare to soothe the aching sphincter, while more hirsuit gentlemen possibly prefer a red-top tabloid with nice short words and plenty of booby pictures. With my current lack of time and academic pressures, I currently peruse texts explaining fixed overhead variance analysis (oh joy *groan*).

As conferred with friends and aquaintances in typically guttural inebriated pub conversations, all of the above has been established as reliable fact. Another fact established and repeatedly confirmed (which I can't believe hasn't been posted) is that everyone at some time has been deperate enough for reading matter (usually after the lady of the house has tidied and cleaned the bathroom) to pick up the last resort of all possible throne literature, the shampoo bottle. (Of course this isn't strictly limited to shampoo and includes bubble bath / shower-gel / household cleaning products / deodorant cans etc.)

What the fuck does " Trimethylolpropane Tricaprylate/Tricaprate, Tetrasodium EDTA" actually 'do' anyway?

Length? Well it's hardly War & Peace, now is it?
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:09, 28 replies)

I have indeed...
resorted to reading the shampoo bottle whilst riding the porcelain bus.

one particular example I fondly remember is reading the ingredients from something, possibly shaving foam, that contained polytetrafluoroethylene, or teflon as it is more commonly known
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:12, closed)

When I was a kid...
I used to count the number of letters in words on the back of bottles in the bath. It was really exciting when I surpassed my previous best.

Can you tell I have mild OCD?
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:13, closed)

quite right.
I too read any material lying about the bathroom. I remember my gf being impressed about how much I knew about toxic shock syndrome, information cleaned from the tampon leaflet (and not wanked to unlike others...)
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:14, closed)

i have aswell..
ive got to read something while on the shitter like, shampoo bottles, shower gel or just the closest thing to me. Thought i was the only 1 hahaha=)
(She is the walrus superMinx, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:19, closed)

@ Studentken
I too was rather surprised at the depth of information contained within tampon instruction leaflets. i know women require more words and do actually read instruction books, but how does any female not instantly realise:
-Put it in the hole that isn't your arse.
-Don't lose the little string up there.
-Remember it needs to come out again.

???????????
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:21, closed)

Not just me then...
Yeah - how do these companies get away with putting in a principle ingredient of 'Aqua'. FFS if you're selling a product that's 95% water then just tell us and don't fucking call it Aqua. Cunts.
(Wonkey.Donkey, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:27, closed)

Woo!
Glad to see I'm not alone in reading the shampoo bottle!

By the way, tetrasodium EDTA is a chelating agent which binds to metal ions like calcium and magnesium and prevents them from forming soap scum. It acts like a water softener.

Sodium laureth sulphate is the main foaming agent.

Does it make me a sad git, that not only do I read the bottle, I also understand it? Well, some of it, at least.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:37, closed)

It's not just men...
Us women do it too! I tend to do sudoku whilst sat on the bog.
(Prawn, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:37, closed)

remembering to pull it out
I seem to remember someones post (think it was rswipe) about the friend who was having a shag and had to stop halfway through as she forgot the painters pad was in, then carried on (quality!!). Who would have thunk it!

BTW: Realise 'clean' should be 'glean', thats what happens when trying to write lots for PhD lit review!
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 13:41, closed)

What's wrong with all of you?
When I go to the shitter, it's out of me like chocolate lightning every time. A finely lubed log of medium softness just drops out and I'm done.

Get some fruit and fibre in you!
(frankspencer, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 14:15, closed)

.
k2k6
i knew some clever fucker on here would know what it was!! lol. I even googled up an especially obtuse and elongated one because sodium laureth sulphate is in everything!

studentken
I know exactly the post you're on about and I too think it was rswipes mate. I remember wondering;
A- how shitfaced she must have been to 'forget'
B- whether she passed off the sensation as her new aquaintance having an elongated, tampon shaped bell-end??!

Perhaps Ms Swipe will read this and clarify. (I'd be honoured, and generally proper chuffed!)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 14:20, closed)

i have always had to read.....
whilst laying the otter, from a child until now, and I'm 28. my wife wonders why i take so long on the crapper and has ofen accused me of wanking. honestly! wanking WHILST taking a shit! i can multitask but thats taking it to another level.

At uni we had a pile of magazines next to the crapper (blokes being blokes). I tried to adopt this idea into the house I bought with my wife, but it didnt sit well.
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 14:39, closed)

Ah well
I'm not that smart though. I don't actually know what trimethylolpropane does.

Yet.

[scuttles off to Google]

OK, seems it's a three-dimensional crosslinking agent. I can only assume that would act as a thickener in shampoo. Maybe.

Where's an organic chemist when you need one? Oi, Rakky!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 14:43, closed)

Mr Spencer.

It’s not just the act of despatching your ‘butt cutlet’ that makes extended time on the dung-muncher a requirement.

The simple lavvy can be a temple of solitude in the non-stop hustle and bustle that is this world we live in. It’s a place of quiet contemplation to gather your thoughts, become one with yourself and reach karmic centralisation. A spiritual haven if you will.

Whilst in this immovable, relaxed state of dropping his brown trout, man’s insatiable quest for knowledge and enrichment increases. His instincts heighten. Only easily reachable, visual stimulation is the acceptable answer to quench this thirst, in whatever literary (or should that be ‘shiterary) form it appears (unless you have a game boy or something).

Truly sir, you are fortunate, indeed blessed, if you are free to come and go as you please, and not need the sanctuary of a place where you can get away from the horrors of modern life...for as long as you can without getting bothered by some shagstain to do some inane task that you don’t want to do.

I am in awe of you.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 16 Nov 2007, 15:08, closed)

Pooflake
Couldn't have put it better myself. Very eloquent.

Too long on the pan plays havoc with the Chalfonts though. In Asian countries with squat toilets, apparently haemorrhoids are almost unknown, possibly because it's a bit difficult to read when you're perched above an odd little pan at a funny angle.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 15:11, closed)

As I hoped,
a good toilet conversation usually goes a long way!
Do any of you also get engrossed in a particularly good book or feature article, resulting in pink elbow marks above the knees and a complete lack of feeling from the thighs down?
Usually after a particularly engaging chapter, I have to spend a ridiculously long time washing my hands (at least there's a hygeine benefit) while I wait for the 'pins-&-needles' to subside enough to regain mobility.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 15:51, closed)

ah, the old elbow marks on the thigh
I know it well

nothing better than reading a good book whilst on the throne in the temple of solitude.

find it pretty difficult at work when carrying a book with you to the shitter would be frowned upon (lots of women here, unusual for an engineering company)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:03, closed)

Not while sitting on the loo
I'm the same as Frankspencer - in and out...there's more time for other things then...ahem...

But, I do read shampoo, shower gel, bubblebath, all of them while taking a shower.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:14, closed)

Vipros
Nothing wrong with you reading a book whilst...you know...at work, so long as it's your book. See, a few years back, I was in the men's, and my boss walked in carrying a stack of papers. A moment later, as I was washing my hands, I heard him in the cubicle flipping through said papers. About 5 minutes later we both went to a meeting, and lo, he still has a stack of papers in his hand - a stack of packets of papers, actually, which I can help but assume is the very same as he had in the bathroom. He hands one to each attendee of the meeting. I couldn't concentrate the whole meeting...just looked at this packet of papers in front of me, thinking "he's taken this to the bog with him!".
(chase, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 16:57, closed)

solitude
Not content with reading on the bog whilst shitting I sometimes don't even bother with the shitting, the toilet's the one place in the world you know you're not going to get disturbed...

hence if you're waiting for someone and you don't want to awkwardly stand around in the cold like a pillock, or your house is being invaded by people you don't like but who inexplicably want to talk to you (housemates friends) read in the bog.

ahhh peace.
(Hippo_of_Doom, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 17:24, closed)

chase
that is just wrong wrongity wrong

the amount of people I see/hear not washing their hands disgusts me enough without those sort of antics!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 18:07, closed)

@ hippo of doom
Amen to that, the last place of tranquility (unless in shopping centre where only mindless graffitti (spelling?) to read
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 18:15, closed)

Construction sites have ace toilet literature....
Generally involving the cuntiness of a boss or union delegate, an insightful poem about fucking another worker's girlfriend/mum, or a delightful little ditty about kiwis/islanders/aboriginals.

Who needs grooming products?
(blutt_pug got lost in a dark chasm on, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 23:17, closed)

Oh god
embarrassed We have a bookcase next to the toilet AND and magazine rack. Plus I change the books out every 3 months.

One time I was so engrossed in a book I sat long enough to lose all feeling in my feet and legs. When I stood up, I promptly lost my balance, turned my ankle and crashed face first on the bathroom floor with my pants tangled around my ankles and my bare ass mooning the rest of my family who came running to my rescue.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 17 Nov 2007, 8:28, closed)

Well..
Those of you who don't get disturbed when dropping the kids off [at the pool], or any porcelain related antics be it fruitful or not, are extremely lucky. A pet peeve of mine is someone talking at me through the bathroom door when my cheeks are firmly planted on the Throne. It ruins the moment. Sometimes if caught unaware, the sound of a voice floating into the sanctuary of Shanks can cause a serious blockage resulting in a return visit some uncomfortable amount of time later (you all know the feeling - you need to go but it's not quite there yet). For some reason, my mother has never grasped the full concept of a sanctuary once the door is locked and picks such times to strike up conversation. I'm tempted to leave some reading material, but my older sister's partner is no Clint Eastwood when it comes to urinating.
(mannitol, Sat 17 Nov 2007, 10:58, closed)

A magazine rack
Can I request the ability to click "I Like This!" to replies? kthx.

I have a little magazine rack which I picked up from hard rubbish a while ago, and needless to say it is full of publications of varying quality - PC Gamer, The Diplomat, David Jones' catalogues, Deconstructing Emancipatory International Relations (which is exactly as big a pile of wank as it sounds). The best bit is that it had a space for an ashtray to go, so I bought a plain glass one that fits in it nicely. Too bad I don't smoke, fagging away whilst reading The Brothers Karamazov and having a big shit would be the bomb. Er, so to speak.

PS Tampon instructions - they kind of have to be pointed the right way, there's a knack to it, otherwise they go sideways and it's not especially thrilling.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sat 17 Nov 2007, 14:55, closed)

People nicking your stuff to read on the bog
This drives me fucking mental. My boyfriend has one particular friend who will decide without asking that he's staying the night then, when he eventually wakes up, nick my shop-fresh newspaper and hotfoot it to the toilet for an hour.

It makes me want to step on his neck. Lovely guy, mind.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Sat 17 Nov 2007, 17:19, closed)

Not me but(t)...
...a FoF passed his Physics exams by removing all reading matter from the toilet other than his revision notes. It's amazing what goes in whilst other things go out.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 12:25, closed)