*sigh*
I bought a swede for 3p from my local tesco express on my way home from an afternoon session. Then I drew a face on it. Then I wrote "steve the sweede!" on it. Then I went to Sainsburys and put it in one of the freezers. That was fun!
( TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:09, Reply)

A tombstone.
With the enscription:

"braaaaaaiiiins"

1978-?

They thought we'd been drowning our sorrows, and we convinced them 'Brains' was our friends nickname. With the aid of a fake will

Apparently it's very unusual to ask to take a tombstone with you once you've had it inscribed.

We planted it on a roundabout, it was gone within a few days.
£217, incase you were wondering
(Naughty Tortoise, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 4:05, Reply)

drunk + online shopping...
= 40 goats.

After I sobered up and found the emailed receipts for said goats, I didn't know what to do with them.

So I got drunk again and arranged for them to be sent to a well known British band.

Which earned me coverage on the front of the Guardian, featuring a quote from a very drunken me, saying "I want to populate the world with my goats".
(cookiemonster, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:55, Reply)

Bollocks, you should all be proud!
We invented what we like to call the Scaffy Walk! Used to do it every week without fail.

You start out with a group friends in the pub about early lunchtime, have a few lagers till the effect hits you, then you trawl the high street, following the golden rule - you must only buy out of charity shops - whilst under the influence.
Piss-poor clothes are the fucking king-biscuit moneyshot, but tacky 1980s action films on video cassette, or trashy paperbacks are good too.
By the time the shops close at 5pm, you should be starting to sober up as your inhibitions return - so head back to the pub.
Once there, compare items bought by each member of the group, and reflect on the wisdom of the purchase now that you're in control of your senses.
Any tasteless item of clothing MUST be worn on the night out, with the option of accompanying it with other rubbish gained during the day.

A straw hat, Top Gun shades, chequed blue trousers with a burst zip, and shirt that would make Timmy Mallet cry - oh yes, you'll look the part, as will you all when your friends hit the town in style - oh, and take a camera.
We once found those polystyrene aeroplanes in Barnados you used to get as kids and threw them round the pub all night dressed like refugees from a Care in the Community scheme, while I regailed the crowds by reading aloud from the 99p pocket companion "Life and Times of Saddam Hussein", focussing in particular on the passsage where the ousted despot was reputed to have molested his horse as a child.

Happy days!
Can't wait till this weekend . . . .
(Barry Subchimp, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 13:40, Reply)

Penguin
Didn`t exactly buy a penguin, more broke into the local zoo and nicked it with some equally pissed mates.

It was quite a small one we put it in a rucksack.

We put it in the bath at my house and we were all so pleased with ourselves.... Ahh the lovely penguin isn`t it so cute isn`t everyone going to be so envyous that we have a penguin!!

Then we sobered up!!! What the fluck are we gonna do with a penguin and all the penguin shit in my bath.
So we took it to the park, put it in the pond and phoned the police and said we`d found a penguin in the park!!

It made the local paper!!
(Smumps, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 22:05, Reply)

Bargain.
I once bought a job lot of 4,000 new Sharps and Moben wardrobe and kitchen doors on eBay whilst under the influence of many pints of Strongbow (yes, I was a student at the time).

Seemed a bargain at the time at £1.34, and was the ideal get rich quick scheme, as I reckoned I could make a tidy profit by selling them individually.

What I hadn't reckoned in my drunken state was
A) How to get them from the other side of the country to where I lived
and
B)Where to store it all once I'd got it back.

I ended up having to hire a lorry to go and get them all, and stored these doors around my house and shed for 12 months while I gradually sold them all. I just got used to them being a way of life - making impromptu mini tables, seats and mega-size fly swatters of them. I couldn't even get into one of my bedrooms for a while...

Made a nice profit in the end though, and bought a new car with the proceeds. Never again though - I'm not sure I could cope with yet another birch-veneer ironing board...
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 13:20, Reply)

Penguin fantasies
A Pingu towel, Pingu comic, Pingu colouring-in book, Pingu video and Pingu inflatable. (Well, just a penguin, but it's Pingu if you stand behind it and scream "MEEP MEEP!" at passers-by. Which I did)

I got it fixed into my head that I would be a legend if I had all of this Pingu stuff in my room (my Pingu poster still remains as testament to this Pingu phenomenon), but ended up looking like a laughing, drunken twat with a fetish for penguins.

The inflatable didn't help.
( TGP on the rock 'n' roll, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 11:57, Reply)

Not drunk, cos I'm teetotal
but once when I was loaded up with the flu, fevers, hallucinations and all, for some strange reason I decided that I *had* to go to Boots and buy myself a toothbrush. Fair enough, you may think. Rather a mundane purchase.

Oh no.

Being completely fucked with the flu, I didn't know which was was up, and eventually ended up leaving the house as a complete hodge-podge of whatever clothing was closest to hand, including odd shoes (one a trainer, one a boot), a bulky and thick biker's leather jacket (old skool Motorhead fan style) and a bright yellow t-shirt with (muddy) tan trousers.

I staggered my way there (it was a bit of a walk), almost being run over twice because I didn't click that roads=cars at this point. Went into Boots, to be immediately followed in the usual 'subtle as a fart in a lift' way by the security guard. I don't blame him, to be honest - I was 6ft tall and looked like a mental case and a junkie.

I got so freaked out by him following me, that to prove I wasn't stealing, I bought something from every position I stopped at. The resulting shopping list:

* toothbrush
* large vaseline
* painkillers
* carex handwash
* some mints

The checkout lady looked terrified.
( watashi-wa Evenin'!, Sat 11 Jun 2005, 17:42, Reply)

Another...this time Facking London.
Don't remember anything I bought to be perfectly honest... But was woken up by a maid day after payday in St Georges Hotel - Regent St ...Approx 36 pound coins on the floor and a kids barbie bike in the bathroom? (WTF???) The room I was in was in fact a suite with a 12 seater boardroom. I then go down to the hotel reception where all the staff just snigger at my questions of "Where the f#ck am I and did I ride into the hotel on this (holds up kids barbie bike)? Not getting many answers I then proceeded to nearest cash machine where I thought I could find out some more info on my night out... But only discoverer my available funds (After payday) were -£340.00. Meaning that I had in fact blown my entire wages along with my £1000 over-draft and another 300 notes to boot! This of course had a long-lasting, damaging effect on me and decided that life in soho was just too much so I quit my job, checked myself into my parents where I had the "fear" for a number of months.

So if anyone sold me a kids barbie bike in soho one summer evening in 2004 or know's how i managed to spend a few grand in one night, then please do let me know!!

Yours,
A Blunder!
(eurrrrrggggggghhhhhh Cunting /talk, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 18:07, Reply)

Retail Therapy
I am the king of random booze related purchases (and a lovley feifdom it is too).

I *popped* out for some more beer at half time during the 2003 rugby world cup, was asked to pick up a packet of 20 tabs for a ciggie challenged mate of mine. I returned from a "Tesco Extra" with.

- A 7 foot rubber plant
- A 'Barbie' lunch box
- A partially consumed bottle of Sambuca (which incidentally, Tescos staff take a dim view of you swigging from the bottle whilst shopping)

Upon arriving at the tobacco kiosk, the pimply knave serving me seemed confused at my request for a tin of snuff.

/lurk
(ColdLazarus, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 11:21, Reply)

I must have been utterly fucked
I think I bought this from an internet-enabled phonebox I'd only stumbled into for a shit


(bloodyHassocks, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 12:12, Reply)

Tales From The 'Pool
Many moons ago while working in Liverpool I was drinking heavily as is my wont when I had a Startrek moment. One minute I was in a club chatting some slapper up, the next I was waking up in my hotel room feeling like death warmed-up.

Blearily opening my eyes I had this strange feeling I wasn't alone.... I looked over to my left, fully expecting to see some hog from the previous night, and nearly shat myself! The pillow, the sheets, the duvet and halfway up the fecking wall were covered in red! Shit! I thought - what the fuck have I done? Have I picked somebody and murdered them when I realised how ugly they were?

Shakily I got out of bed and staggered to the bathroom. Turning the light on I saw myself in full-length mirror. Naked, red-eyed, hair all over the place and a fucking kebab with chilli sauce stuck to the side of my head!

I'd obviously bought the bugger when drunk and fallen asleep eating it.

I remain, as usual,
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 12:07, Reply)

McDonalds at Home
A few years back I crashed a mate's work do at a Bar in Reading. A few others must have had the same idea as the entire night's credit limit was breached after about an hour. Normally I wouldn't dream of drinking £8 cocktails but if someone else is paying then that's another matter. Well the evening progressed and I still seemed to be getting free drinks and getting steadily more and more wankered. I remember it being about 10pm, and realising that I'd been drinking dodgy cocktails non stop for 4 hours and have a vague recollection of grabbing one girl's arse as I "flirted" with her. It was at about this point when I started to get hungry and had a revelation. McDonald's should come out with a home microwavable range of food. Then you could have McDonalds at home whenever you wanted it. Being pretty drunk I obviously couldn't wait for the McDonalds people to come up with this too and plan the necessary sales campaign etc before releasing this new wonder product range, so I came up with my own version. I should spend all the money on my person at McDonalds and then take it home and simply store it in the fridge. Thereby enabling me to reheat it all week and eat lovely McDonalds food all the time. So I stagger from Squares (the bar) off down Friar Street to McDonalds. Imagine a 6 foot 5, 20 stone block staggering aong the street in dire need of food. I get to McDOnalds and proudly order 20 hamburgers, 20 cheesburgers, 10 1/4 pounders and 3 boxes of 20 nuggets, thinking at the time that this should just about be enough to last me the week. My memory gets hazy beyond this point but I recall stopping off at one of the fruit machine places in town and winning some money and then collapsing onto my train and bing asked if I was okay but quite a number of people. All the time I'm sat holding bags and bags of McDonalds with a smug look on my face as I bask in the glory of being the first person to think of reheating McDonalds food at home. Fast forward to the next morning, following much puking and sleeping by the toilet. I gently walk downstairs to get a little orange juice and maybe some toast to help my stomach. I open the fridge and am faced by a wall of Cheeseburgers, Hamburgers and Nuggets and probably the nastiest smell I've ever had waft up my nose. Managed not to be sick and then staggered bakc off to bed. For some reason I decide to reheat myself some burgers for dinner that night and discovered that McDonalds food is NOT good when reheated the next day. In fact reheating it makes the smell 100 times worse and makes it even more inedible than usual. Still it was a good idea at the time.....
(buskerman, Tue 14 Jun 2005, 11:02, Reply)

I edited a student newspaper last year,
and we ran a story about a second year kid who bought a laptop off two wideboys in a pub. They showed him the laptop, let him check it worked - very nice too, blatantly nicked but an absolute steal at £400 - then drove him to the bank, gave him the goods in exhange for the cash, and drove off.

When the kid opened the bag to gaze lovingly at his new purchase, he couldn't help noticing there'd been a bit of a crafty switcheroo. The 'goods' had somehow become two bottles of lemonade Sellotaped together.

Cresta lemonade.

That's two hundred pounds a bottle.

RRP 39p.

Understandably, he wasn't best pleased...but the best part was when he got home, and discovered the wideboys had actually drunk the lemonade and just re-filled the bottles with water.
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 17:23, Reply)

Too drunk even to buy a hamburger

Many years ago, while excessively drunk, I failed to purchase a hamburger.

I had no cash left after buying a Mournblade album, signed photo and T-shirt following a gig at the Marquee club by the previously mentioned band (as if that wasn't a bad enough drunk purchase).

I was in the fast food place and tried to pay by cheque but I was unable to spell the name of the 'restaurant' and instead kept writing "haamburger" on the cheque. I still have the cheque and occasionally take it out to laugh at my spidery drunk handwriting.

It also took me four hours to walk the ten minute (downhill) journey from the tube station to home.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:24, Reply)

too far
I've since cut down on the boozing due to doing and buying many stupid things but I think the night that topped any other was when I was out with a friend of mine who later went on to be kicked out of alcoholics anonymous for "leading others astray".

We were playing a stupid game of tupenny bets, for those of you who are not familiar with this concept you & other simply bet each other very random and even more stupid tasks for a 2p.

I ended up with a nipple ring and an infected nipple. My friend finally ended up changing his name by deed poll to Jebediah Spunkmonkey. The bet involved both of us keeping our respective punishments for a year.
(Let's all have an asbo, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 10:45, Reply)

Not me, not bought. Meh.
Was just walking down to the doors of a pub in Oxford in time for last orders when a guy came out carrying a large ornate chair. Clearly one hell of a steal, he looked suitably proud of himself until one of the barstaff came out after him, ran up and took the chair out of his hands. “I don’t think you need that”.

The bloke didn’t seem too upset, shrugged his shoulders and watched as the barman took the chair inside. As the door closed, he turned and walked away up towards us, reaching behind his back and under his jacket, which, in hindsight I realised must have possessed Tardis-like qualities. He then whipped out an framed oil painting the size of a poster. Holding it in both hands, he walked past us looking at the picture nodding his head and smiling in appreciation. The best pub steal I’ve ever seen.
(Scoobs, Mon 13 Jun 2005, 10:00, Reply)

A kitten
I woke up one morning with a kitten in a shoebox and a fluffy towel under my bed.

Surprisingly, ever after the Absinthe I managed to poke airholes in the top of the box.

Forward 5 years and I still have the (now) cat.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sun 12 Jun 2005, 7:16, Reply)

I think that would explain the existence of this
I'm not getting drunk again until this auction has finished.
( useful_idiot, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 17:28, Reply)

Not bought but stolen,
When I was younger, my family was awoke one morn to the sound of my dad laughing his arse off, why?

He had been awoken at 4 in the morning by a disturbance, got to the top of the stairs and saw at the bottom a pedestrians this way sign, went in to the front room and found me asleep on a pubs picnic table with a sign saying pianist wanted clutched to my chest.

no apologies.
(Colley Cibber, Sun 12 Jun 2005, 15:43, Reply)

Not myself, by a friends friend
Not myself, but a friends rather amusing anecdote of what happend to him and their friend one fatal 18th birthday a few years back.

The scene is, buddy turns 18, so, cue the drinking of legal beers at around 10am, but 3pm, everyone was well and truely sloshed,
waiting for the train, one speeds past (obviously not the one they needed, but drunken newly 18 friend though it was - so he begins runing down the platform, screeming stop stop, slapping his hand on the carridges and SMASH face first into a pillar.

everyone rushes over horrified to see if they are okay "are you alright?"
"nurrh....no.....ah shit meselffph..."
says the over boozed lad.

so, 10 minits till their train arrives everyone scrapes together what little cash they have, and hands it to him,
-here leggit to oxfam to get a new pair of grandad trousers or somthing, (as his were pretty shitty by now)
so, off he legsit with around 7quid.
2 minits till train comes and he comes mincing back with his green oxfam bag ,and they all board the train, he pop into the toilets to get changed.
a few minits pass, and a shitty pair of jeans fly past the train winow - "fair play, hes getting rid of the evidence, they thing"
another 5 or 6 minits pass, and people get concerend, perhaps hes passed out in the toilet....
so, the toddle off to check -
*knock knock* you okay in there mitch?
"..nuh..."
"whats wrong?"
"I bought a jumper"
and out he walks, wearing this old wooly jumper around himself like a huge diaper.
and that my friends, is what he bought when drunk.
I find it very funny - but apologies for lenght girth, width and circumference to all who did not enjoy.
(Sennor, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 22:56, Reply)

Darth's Kitchen
I bought off ebay a life size cut out of every original starwars character...Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, C3PO, R2-D2, Princess Leia, Darth Vader, Yoda and Obi-Wan...

I tried to recreate the scene from Home Alone when he fakes the dinner party with those cut outs...but instead passed out and slept with C3P0 and Leia in my mum and dads bed.

I awoke to find that I'd positioned the remaining characters around the house and that darth vader was wearing my mum's pinny and was stood in the kitchen.

They were ritually burnt on bonfire night...at one point Han Solo looked strikingly similar to Simon Weston.
(Big Andy, Mon 13 Jun 2005, 15:11, Reply)

racing vibrator
not so much something that was bought, more something given as a consolation.

myself and some friends were in our local old man pub having a few drinks after a long day of snooker and booze. the toilets of the pub have a machine which sell racing vibrators. (i'm not sure what makes them race though). we'd bought one a few months before and had a fun evening dipping it in pints and giving each other buzzing wet willies (excuse the pun).

we thought, in our haze, that we should buy another one to relive those times. we clubbed together the fiver that was required and sent one of our number to the toilet to make the purchase. he returned a few minutes later, claiming that the machine had stole his money. he was prepared to let it go, but i for one wanted my money back. he went to speak to the landlord (nice fella, used to play for accrington stanley) and explained the situation, saying he wanted his money or his sexual toy. landlord made many jokes, and took him off to the toilet. we all pissed ourselves at the sounds of banging and swearing coming from the toilet as landlord tried to prise the machine open. out he came, no vibrator in hand.

as we were finishing our pints, landlord came over with our five pounds and a package that he claimed he bought for use at hen nights. inside the package was a 'Peter Sipper', a crude rubber penis with a straw for a urethra. it was apparently modelled on a porn star's tool, but it was a bit girthless. the journey home was made all the more interesting by hitting each other over the head with this cockstraw.

we went to a friend's house to show them our prize, and many photos were taken of our prize. i'm not sure what happened to it in the end though. last time i saw it, it was stuck in a milk bottle, posing as a very limp candle.

i wasn't sad that we tried to buy a vibrator, but only got a floppy strawcock, i just question why.

bit long? sorry
(no1_cheesecake, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 13:13, Reply)

Got drunk and bought myself
a 16 month ban from driving.
( icezebra *insert large monkey*, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 11:29, Reply)

A flight to New York
I was told this story (in probably a much funnier and interesting way) at a friend's barbeque one summer.

Two or three friends had been having a little bit of an all day drinking session and had chosen at some point to start drinking the mighty Absinthe. Absinthe is one of those drinks that is probably best consumed in small proportions, but that didn't bother these guys as they had the whole bottle on top of their other usual booze.

Now from personal experience (different story, another time), being drunk on Absinthe is not the same as being drunk on vodka or beer, it really warps your senses as it did to one of the chaps who drank hefty amounts of it.

So after lots of drinking and eventually falling asleep/passing out he wakes up and comes to, with a bit more sense about him. There's a constant noise coming from all around him. There are people in chairs all around him. A few people in front are being served some drinks by a woman in a familiar uniform. Hmmm. With a quick glance around it becomes quickly evident that he is on a plane.

A plane to New York.

He lives in south England.

He doesn't know anyone in New York city.

So once he's touched down, with a slight bit of confusion as to how he got there, as he had no memory of it, he calls his friends to tell them where he is. Much more confusion and hilarity from his friends follows and he is left with no alternative but to buy a ticket straight back home.

Several hundred pounds lighter and probably with a sense never to drink Absinthe again, that's one drunken buy that he won't forget!

Whether it is true or not, I don't know. They told it as if it was and it certainly made me laugh at the time, so I don't care!

If only I was able to re-tell it in a slightly funny way... :-(

*pop* There goes my b3ta cherry. Length and duration will improve with time.
(degeneration, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 9:36, Reply)

On a stag weekend in Antwerp
..all the deviants I was with went for a lady of the night experience. I was so wankered I picked one, walked into the booth and as she drew the curtains curled up on the end of the bed and had a 20 minute kip.

It cost 40 euros.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Thu 9 Jun 2005, 12:28, Reply)

Don't try this at home
Fireworks. Abso-bloody-lutely insane when tanked up but that is what we did. A massive selection box, air-bomb repeaters, whistling bangers, huge roman candles the works. We had a roman candle fight, hold roman candle, try and fire red hot glowing fire into each others hair. Stuck airbombs down the back of each others trousers. aking air bombs apart and making a massive pile of gunpowder in a hub cap, putting a dustbin lid on top of it and striking matches and throwing them under the bin lid to set it off. Which it eventually did but we never found the bin lid again. Firing a length of broom handle out of 3 inch steel pipe at each other and it went like a harpoon! Burying air bombs in the ground and setting them off while we ran about blind folded trying to doge he screaming missiles. How we laughed. Fucking lunatics. The worst part was waking up the next day and walking into the bathroom with half may hair melted to the side of my head, no eyebrows and bald arms that smelled of burnt lard. My clothes on the floor were black, covered in burn holes and my jacket had most of one sleeve missing. My jeans were burnt on the arse, both legs and one pocket had completely burnt away. The room stank like 400 people had emptied their bowels on the floor after eating double egg vindaloos. I had no burns or physical injuries at all anywhere. I phoned all my mates and they were all unharmed but their clothes were as bad as mine. How we escaped being maimed, blinded or even killed is a complete miracle.
(munkymagik, Mon 13 Jun 2005, 17:41, Reply)

One day the postman delivered:

36 condoms, a massive tube of lube and 200 latex gloves.

I have no idea what I was thinking at the time.
( cheesebread at the third stroke, hammertime will be, Sun 12 Jun 2005, 2:52, Reply)

The wonderful thing about ebay...
Many a night after 10 or so pints of Stella, I've crawled to my room, found the PC still on and proceeded to eBay. Drunken things I have bought from eBay were:

25 Blank DVDs for £25 even though I don't have a DVD Burner.

A Mini Disc player for £45 despite already having the exact same model.

A Key Generator for Windows 2000 (£2). I am on XP

A Gmail account for £0.99- I have a Gmail account already with 50 unused invites

Fifa 2004 (£16)...for the PS2....a games console that I don't own.

Windows XP Professional (£14) that I already have.

A pair of nice Diesel trainers for £11...size 7. I am size 11!

A Morrisons carrier bag (£0.04...+£1 PP)

An online girlfriend who was "willing to email me, saying anything I wanted, no holds barred". I got her to write me a 2000 word economics essay for me... Which got me a grade D!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:13, Reply)

enough of this first post nonsense...
I once went into a charity shop while drunk, and bought an inflatable roast dinner. it was an inflatable plate with an inflatable chicken, roast potatoes and everything on it.
(lolaphallus, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 11:53, Reply)