Last Saturday I woke up to a very angry girlfriend indeed.
She said she had woken up in the night to find me sat on the end of her bed pissing on the floor. I of course knew this to be a lie. I looked at the end of her bed, and the floor was dry, with no hint of a pissy smell. She used the fact that her shed hair was stuck to the tiles and not fluffy as proof. I was having none of it.

She then picked up her shoe, which was quite wet and did smell a bit of piss, and waved it in my face. I saw this for the ruse it was; she had obviously pissed on her shoe during the night, and was using this planted evidence against me, so I grabbed the shoe, and rubbed it on her face, accidentally elbowing her in the face in the ensuing scuffle.

This led to a good half hours nagging, which got right on my tits, so I threatened her with an infilltration; an idle threat I often make, but never follow through with, which is why she didn't take me seriously. This time though I whipped her knickers off, stuck my finger up her bum, and put it in her mouth, which is, of course, what an infilltration is. Things quietened down after that. Mostly because we were both laughing so much.

The question of breakfast came up, and I offered to go to the supermarket for bacon and eggs. She agreed, so I posted what I had done in QOTW suggestions on b3ta, and headed into town. My hangover was kicking in at this point, so I decided one to blow away the cobwebs was in order. When she came and found me seven hours later, she was the second most angry I have ever seen her.

That night we had a discusion about the future of our relationship. I was hammered, and refused to promise not to do similar things again on the grounds it's a promise I can't keep.

Things are fine now.

I'm nice really, I promise.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 8:48, 15 replies)

If this week's question serves any purpose
it is to clarify that the phrase "I'm nice really" falls into the same class of rhetoric as "I'm not a racist but"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 9:12, closed)

^this
A lot of the answers also remind us that alcoholics are rarely objectively as charming/amusing as they believe themselves to be.
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 9:35, closed)

I am with Dr Ballbag on this one..

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 9:43, closed)

^What Bitchtits said^

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 9:46, closed)

Arf

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 9:48, closed)

rubbed it on her face, accidentally elbowing her in the face (Like fuck) in the ensuing scuffle.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 9:42, closed)

I don't know
a quick glance at your previous replies provides an excellent character reference.
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 9:44, closed)

It's times like this I love Badgers fail archive

( Bamboo Steamer, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 9:44, closed)

This is barely coherent.
I found my self looking at the username, after two lines, expecting to see 'Frank Spencer'.
(username failed moderation, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 9:59, closed)

^ this with a fanfare and fireworks

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 10:28, closed)

^^^^^
This now with added stain remover.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 10:42, closed)

"This time though I whipped her knickers off, stuck my finger up her bum, and put it in her mouth, which is, of course, what an infilltration is."

And she just stood there throughout all the de-bagging and back door intrusion did she? Or had the rohypnol kicked in by then?
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:08, closed)

No, I'm just much stronger than she is.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 17:50, closed)

Jesus. At least you've never shagged your mum.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 17:50, closed)

Trolling, much?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 20:09, closed)