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This is a question Impulse buys

I'm now the owner of a monster trampoline that's nearly too big for the garden. Tell us your retail disasters and triumphs.

(, Thu 21 May 2009, 11:52)
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Impulse Buy Made Me A Bit Gay Shocker !!!
Question: What do you do in London if you’ve got a week off work, fuck all to do, and three-hundred crisp, semen-and-cocaine-encrusted English pounds burning a hole in your pocket?

Answer: You flick through the Yellow Pages and find one of those ‘Learn How To Drive In A Week’, shysters who’ll turn you from a skanky pedestrian with a tiny cock into a strapping motorist packing the sort of penis your average killer whale would be proud to call their own.

So, I ring up and book a week’s worth of lessons. An intensive course. I’d just watched the Grand Prix and thought: I fancy a bit of that, can’t be that hard, literally dozens of people round the world can drive a motor vehicle. Peddles, steering wheel, mirrors; and you get to sit down in comfort instead of having weird elderly strangers attempting to juggle with your plums while grinning at you gumily like you get on the Tube.

The bloke who taught me was a great lad named Troy – a typical Australian surfer dude type. Blonde, tight-bodied, some would say ‘strapping’. And he was a damn fine teacher too, taught me the basics without making me feel like a mongtwat cunt-cobbler – this peddle means ‘go’, this one means ‘stop’, don’t drive over pedestrians, keep both your arms inside the vehicle at all times – all the useful shit.

And the lessons were a dream. We’d do some driving and have a bit of a chat at the same time. I really liked Troy.

Then, on the Thursday as I sat round my flat waiting with eager anticipation for my next lesson, I realised something – I was feeling, how can I put this... very confused about Troy... I was suddenly very uncomfortable. I’m pretty certain I’m not gay, I’m sure I’d have found out about that by now, but Troy, well, I just wanted to be near him more than those brief, fleeting, hour-and-a-half sessions sat in his Nissan Micra we spent tooling round the wasteland that is North London.

Fast forward to the lesson...

Troy’s teaching me the hardest most difficult procedure in the entire history of humankind ever, something so hard that any fucker who can do it should be given a cheque for a million quid and a blowjob from the supermodel of their choice – parallel parking. Troy’s leaning over, looking in the rear-view mirror, guiding me into this spot. I crane my neck to look in the mirror and realise, suddenly, my face is very close to Troy’s face. I can smell his musky aftershave and the sweet scent of his afternoon sweat.

I don’t know why I did this. But I had a strange compulsion, an urge I just couldn’t fight... And even as I did it I thought: oohh, bugger! - This is a bad idea...

But it didn’t stop me.

I leaned closer towards Troy, pretending to take a greater interest in what he was pointing out to me in the rear-view mirror, and then, as if in slow-motion, I planted a soppy wet kiss on his cheek with a loud and resounding smack!!!


Troy backed away, returning to the relative safety of the passenger seat. I backed away too, attempting to grasp the steering wheel in as manly and macho a way as possible.

Troy stared at me. I stared at him.

More silence...

“Ermm, Spanky – I’m flattered and everything, but I’m not, you know.... gay...”

And I waited a beat and replied: “Neither am I...”

And we both sat there for a little while looking confused...

So, my impulse buy of an intensive driving lesson course made me a bit gay. Wasn’t expecting that...

And I failed my fucking driving test again for the third fucking time.* Cunts.

*A mate at work told me a sure-fire way to pass that worked for them. Had the opposite effect for me. Apparently the fella testing me didn’t appreciate it when I turned up in a short skirt and a blouse that showed a shitload of cleavage. Scared ten shades of living shit out of the poor fella... hmmmm, maybe I should’ve shaved my chest first???**

**This last bit may contain traces of lie... but the main post doesn't, I assure you...
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:00, closed)
As soon as I read the headline I knew it was your post.
And I have absolutely no qualms in believing you did this.
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:04, closed)
Can I have his number please
he sounds hot
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:11, closed)
tip top job again sir
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:15, closed)
fuck sake
spanky, reel that errant spam truncheon meat of yours in.

You filthy pissflicker!
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:19, closed)
BTW, my ex only passed at her 5th attempt after about a billion lessons.

She does not have a car.
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:19, closed)
Lovely work
Spanky. Just imagine the sort of problems you'd have got into if Troy was gay? *click*
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:25, closed)
Office LOL
thanks bud
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:28, closed)
Excellent!!!!! Had me laughing like an idiot, thanks.
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:35, closed)
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:46, closed)
I wish I'd done the same with my instructor
She's incredibly fit.
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 15:49, closed)
just for the pleasure of 'mongtwat cunt-cobbler'

Nice work as always mate!
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 16:19, closed)
Um, Spankers...
...hate to break this to you, but I think you may love Teh Cock (TM and all rights reserved). Kissing blokes is a generally good sign.
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 20:57, closed)
Looking the way you decribe him...

and with a name like 'Troy' it sounds as if he was asking for it, mate.

You're only flesh and blood after all.

Well...Flesh, blood, and buckets of lovely fresh jizz.

Once again you light up a questionable QotW, sir. Sublime.

Have an impressed click.
(, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:53, closed)
I just
threw up slightly in my mouth at the thought of Spanky's lovely fresh jizz.

Bad alter ego.
(, Sun 24 May 2009, 7:14, closed)
Parallel parking
should be made illegal.

Just for the sake of everyone's pride.
(, Wed 27 May 2009, 16:42, closed)
Am I the only one...
...who was expecting an "impulse bi" pun towards the end?

I hope not.

Oh, and a *click* for "mongtwat cunt-cobbler"
(, Thu 28 May 2009, 12:08, closed)

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