Cup Runneth Over
Me and my brother found some stick books under a young bushy pine tree at the Park. We were 6 or 7. It had been raining - they were wet - pages sticking together. We had a good perve, then now what?

Over the fence was a church car park.

That day the congregation, happy shiny families etc came our of church to be greeted by spread-eagled ladies showing us where the axe got them - all wet and plastered onto all the car windscreens like shit to a blanket.

Never forget that. Heh.
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:13, Reply)

Hexy Lamour again
I've just remembered that there was a line in this film that was so funny it became a bit of a catchphrase between me and my flatmates. As I've said, this was a Dutch film and therefore (badly) dubbed into English. There's this one bit when a punter in the strip club has been dressed as an Egyptian in order to take part in a stage show with Hexy. As you would.
He looks over at the leading lady and utters the immortal words:
"Why don't you come here and LICK me!"

Class.

Has anyone else seen this film? It's fucking brilliant.
( BobbyParadise, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:12, Reply)

"Itchy-Balls"
We - at my first serious school - had a games teacher and bursar by the name Major B .. Knocking around the 60ish age, He was known to all and sundry as "Itchy Balls" after his habit of walking out on to the games filed and calling for his charges while scratching furiously at his nad-sack.

As missbehaving nippers are prone to being punished, we at some point ended up in the schools "waste paper room" being told to organise and stack the reams and reams of wasted A4 paper.

In amongst those piles of paper we found a small pack of photos... developed, creased and discarded.

Open-mouthed we sat in awed and disgusted silence, as the series of photos went from Major B partying with ladies to... Major B with 2 hookers... and culminating in Major B tied and blindfolded on a bed as these "women of negotiable affection" whipped his nether-regions and invaded his body-cavities with a riding crop.

Ashen-faced, we 4 kids - 2 lads, 2 lasses - decided that we should probably never talk about this again. We liked the major's wife.. so we tore them up and destroyed them.

Poor Naieve 11 year-olds.. School life could have been so much easier.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:12, Reply)

What if u never found that mag on the fields....
MAGAZINE STORY
I must have been 10 i think. Out with a my mates and 1 had their older brother with us - we were playing in the woods down by my old school. Found the usual amount of tatty, wet nudie mags as most of these stories start...

My mates brother explained to us that "We should take a page each, make a hole where the lady bits were, spit on your dick then put it in and out of the hole in the paper"

I think we all tried for a good 20 mins, looking at each other bemused till we ran out of spit, got bored and went home to watch MASK

VIDEO STORY
11 this time, lunch break back to a friends house for pot noodles, older brother involed once again. "watch this lads, you'll love it"

Firthy pipes up "Why is that pig on that womans back?"

It was the famous 'Animal Farm' - grainy as fuck but still viewable. More amusing than anything else. Then he put a Ron Jeremy film on - nearly made never want to watch a 'grot' film (as he called it) ever again.

Nearly.
(TheManofScience, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:11, Reply)

OMG HORRIBLE HOMOSEXUAL MEMORYS COMMING BACK
when i was 7 i used to hang around with older lads and one day my friend Phill showed me a picture of a naked ladies before asking me if i knew how to "mask the plate" i said no so he got my preteen cock out and Phill started massaging the shaft it was nice until it got very ticklish and it went red and for a few years i always called this type of exercise "mask the plate" . its scary looking back and even phill is traumatized as he was 8 and he says he had no idea what he was doing. he is straight and if he ever pisses me off i can tell people he wanked off another lad but that could wreck my heterosexual rep to if he said the lad was me.
(branflakes, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:08, Reply)

erm...
grandmasterfluffles
i totally agree, from a male perspective, all of the points you've come up with are completely valid, plus there's the basic fact of 'oh look. they're having sex... i'm not... bugger'

also i'm noticing a VERY large disgust from the males who have seen gay porn, burning eyes, sickened brains ad infinitum... are you really that naive? 'what you mean they touch each other as well? ewwww *shudder*'.

anyway to make this post undisputedly ON-topic, my first meeting with porn comes in the form of being an 10/11/12 year old flicking through the channels of his tv late at night to come across eurotrash. of course so as not to wake the beloved parentals, the sound was off, so mass nudity with no sound was observed.

religiously.

when my life goes dramatically downhill, i won't be surprised, really i won't.
(I R Tomsk pyromaniacs will only inflame the situation, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:07, Reply)

Not really porn but
I went round my mates when I was about 10 to watch Total Recall and he fast-forwarded it to the bar scene.

Still looking for a woman with 3 tits now.
(Oily, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:07, Reply)

Ugly People
Why would you pay to watch ugly people have sex? The women are all skinny with fake tits and peroxide hair, and as for the men… Well, I think I speak for most of the female population when I say that Ron Jeremy is not attractive.

I broadly agree with you, but it's not as if attractive,successful people are going to queue up to have 200 men spoof on their face.

Mine: Penthouse. The Pet was wearing a pair of clear plastic shorts. Why?
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:07, Reply)

Pron studio
My dad was a camera mechanic. It was his job to service cameras at TV studios and I occasionally took a day off school to go with him. One time, we were off to BBC Norwich or something and he had a priority call from a local studio.

When we arrived, it turned out to be a porno film they were making. My dad was pretty broad minded so he said I could come inside and hang around while he fixed the camera. I had never seen nude women before and my 11 year-old eyes were goggling at the amount of flesh on show.

A beautiful blonde (who looked like the one in Abba) called me over and asked me my name. She was completely nude and I couldn't stop staring at er perfect tits and lightly trimmed parts.

"Would you like to oil me up?" she asked.
"Er, what?"
"I need someone to rub baby oil all over my body for the next scene. Here, you can do it."

And so I took the bottle with shaking hands and began to rub it into those heavy breasts, paying particular attention to the erect nipples. As I worked my way down over her stomach to her velcro dell, she beagn to writhe a little and moans escaped her open lips.

"Do you feel OK?" I innocently asked.
"Yes, just keep going. Don't stop."

So I worked over her hips and the never-experienced softness of a woman's inner thigh, as she lay back with eyes closed. Naturally I was drawn to the dark mystery of that moisture-suffused hole, and stroked with fearful fingers at its softness.

Not being equipped at that tender age with anything she needed, I couldn't give her anything else, but she handed me a knobbled love toy and showed me wordlessly how to insert it. I did so and watched with amazement as she took the whole thing, wriggling like mad, and bucking wetly against my hand. She moaned and cried out a little and thought maybe I had killed her -so ran back to my dad.

"What have you been up to, son?" he asked.
"I helped a lady."
"You're a good boy. You should always help a lady."

I have helped many since.
(frankspencer, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:07, Reply)

I must have been about 8
When i found my first "gentlemens magazine". I remember being at the bottom of the school playing field with a load of mates, probably playing armies with sticks or something. Someone found a battered and torn conspicuous magazine with naked people in it.

It was a hardcore mag of the eightees. This means that there were pictures of orgies (shot in a rather strange yellowish light i seem to remember), men sporting huge erections and ladies doing strange things with them, like licking them or putting them between their legs. I distinctly remember though, that there was a red dot whenever there was penetration of any kind. Just like Bill Hicks decribed it.

We just sat there mesmerized wondering:

If our willies would get that size when we grew up and why the naked ladies were putting the mens willies in their their mouths and in their "pee-holes".

We just did not understand. Next year we were to have sex education and we still didnt properly understand...the teacher was rather coy about telling us that: "The man needs to put his willy up the ladies pee-hole to make babies"

But in the mouth???? Imagine the confusion...
(paradox75, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:59, Reply)

It’s about time a girl posted her two pence worth here
Apart from the odd jazz mag passed round the class at school, I didn’t get to see any actual porn until we got internet access at home when I was seventeen. I still don’t understand it.

Ugly people Why would you pay to watch ugly people have sex? The women are all skinny with fake tits and peroxide hair, and as for the men… Well, I think I speak for most of the female population when I say that Ron Jeremy is not attractive.

Lesbians I could get into a feminist argument about how to the male population in general, lesbians are regarded either as porn stars existing solely for male amusement, or ugly fat mingers who hate men, but I won’t. All I will say is, what makes you think they’ll want you to join in?

Gynaecological close-ups Oh look. It’s a vagina.

Monster cocks Ow, ow, ow, OW, get that thing away from me! And surely they make men feel inadequate?

Shaved pussies Because the plucked chicken look is just SOOOO attractive.

Women in pain Kind of related to the above of course…I’m sorry, brand me as a fat ugly feminist if you like, but I think anyone who gets off on that is a total sicko.

Anal Why the obsession with anal? I can understand it between homosexual males, but why bother when there’s a perfectly serviceable orifice two inches up?

Bukkake And another thing – why the obsession with jizzing all over girls’ faces? Not that I have a particular problem with it per se, but what’s the point?

Abusive language “Yeah, give it to me, you fucking nasty slut!” What?

I don't actually have a problem with men (or indeed women) looking at porn. Mr Fluffles tells me he's paranoid that the Powers That Be in his university accomodation are keeping a running inventory of all the filth he's downloading. Awwww, bless...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:55, Reply)

Alan's pron video
circa 1989

The most hackneyed of plotlines involving a lass who doesn't seem to require counselling as a result of walking in on her flatmate pleasuring two moustached tv repairmen/milkmen types.

Anyway, our heroine joins in the fun in a late 80s big hair orgy of closeups, flailing limbs etc.

The most disturbing bit? The film was recorded in English, but had German subtitles - even down to the individual moans.

Seeing the action accompanied by the caption
"Oh Ja, ich libe der slurpenlicken!" is enough to give anyone nightmares.

The funniest moment was when the token well endowed black chap with an OTT Jamaican accent a la Jim Davidson turned up and announced "Helloah, Ey'm Hector".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:54, Reply)

Recent - Ish
I was out cycling last summer (kidding myself that I was being healthy) and stopped for a breather* half way round near a grass verge.

I looked over at the colourful mag that had been dumped by the side of the road and lo and behold it was a skin mag.

I looked closer and saw that it was fairly hardcore.

I looked closer and there was a woman who clearly had had something LARGE installed into her bottom. I was actually sickened by this - but only beacause I found myself thinking "If I wanted to see that, I'd download it".

Size - still biiiiiiig. My plan is to show rachelswipe later - she's still tied up in the van ;-)

* For breather - read "Dying, having a coronary with tunnel vision"
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:45, Reply)

It just gets worse and worse
I remember at the tender age of 14 being at a friend's house and we flicked onto a dodgy channel.

2 people were writhing about on the bed and we were rather happy about it - Imagine our utter horror when it turned out to be 2 men. I was totally sickened and it was NEVER spoken about - not even in the proceeding minutes. In fact I'd blotted it out of memory until now.

Damn you b3ta

And you PJM!!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:40, Reply)

First porn of a particular nature...
Back in 1993 I was sharing a flat with 3 other guys and one of them (who I'll call Tony) had amassed a rather varied collection of 'rhythm videos'. Myself and Tony had been drinking and toking heavily one particular evening and as you do, ended up watching a video. This was an old Dutch film ("Hexy Lamour", if I remember correctly) originally shot on cine camera and transferred to video, so the quality was terrible. It involved this little bird with a red pullover and bad afro wig going about the business of pleasuring gentleman visitors to a 1970s strip club. All well and good. Suddenly the picture goes all squiggly and a new title comes up; "Men at Work". The opening shot is of a moustachioed bloke wearing a plastic hard hat. The camera pans out to reveal two feet in white socks bobbing about at the level of his head. All well and good.
Then it pans out some more, and to our horror it transpires that he's pummelling another bloke up the arse!
We didn't have a remote control with our video, so in unison, Tony and I started shuffling across the carpet on our knees with our eyes shut tight, one arm extended in the vague direction of the 'stop' button. It would've been hilarious to watch, and we did see the funny side in the end, but it was a hell of a shock to be initiated into gay porn like that.
Oh - and the length. Well, it would've made your eyes water.
( BobbyParadise, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:40, Reply)

PJM - You're right
Erm. I'm appalled at myself with this one.

I was about 15/16 at the time and it's still wrong.

In the old days of Sky, TV X or some shite like that would do a "free" view for 15 minutes - and all sorts of things would be hinted at. I'd watch it for the 15 minutes eyes agog and, well, you know. If it ran on for a minute more I'd be thrilled - once I think I even got an extra 5 minutes! Then a quick trip to the bathroom.

Occasionally my sister would come into the front room - which was damned embaressing - she clearly knew what I was up to, but didn't want to admit it (we've never talked about it) - I was annoyed at being distracted, of course.

I do remember watching a fuzzed out german porn film though - you could just about make out what was going on.

Oh the shame.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:38, Reply)

This links into my first real injury...
I was about 12 years old, and had begun to notice that girls were somehow different to boys. One Saturday afternoon I was in the local newsagent, looking at magazines, when I happened to glance up and see a whole row of magazines promising to show me naked ladies.

I spent some more time browsing the lower shelves, but the girlie mags were beginning to exert a gravitational pull equlled only by that of the sun.

I reached up, and grabbed the nearest; having neither the time or the knowledge to select the one with the pretiest girls, I ended up with a copy of Knave.

Slipping it into my bag (my first experience with shoplifting, too! A double whammy!), I furtively crept from the store, before mounting my bike, and frantically pedalling to the nearest disused piece of parkland. I secreted myself amongst some bushes and finally saw naked women (of a dubious standard) in all their glory, and discovered that my classmates had been right; the pussy was not front-mounted but was betwixt the legs!

Naturally, this physiological revelation led to me having a quick wank (less satisfactory at age 12 than it is these days), and stuffed the magazine into my bag, for later viewing.

On the way home, as I pedalled, I was a little distracted by what I had seen, and even more so at the reaction I imagined my mum would have were she to find this filth...

Panicking somewhat I took my eyes off the road, and hit the back of a parked car, flying over the top of it and breaking my wrist upon landing. The embarrassment of this was substantially more than that felt when my porn stash was actually discovered some years later.

Falling off bikes and breaking wrists is something I still do... I recently shatterd both wrists, and have 4 inch scars up them, I look like a wannabe suicide.

I get my driving license back in 2 weeks, so will hopefully now be able to avoid bike related accidents.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:35, Reply)

I had some quality pron
but I can't remember where it came from.

Can remember where it went to though. Dad, stealing your sons stash is neither big or clever.

It was real hairy 70s stuff too.
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:29, Reply)

My mum's
copies of Cosmo and her catalogues with lingerie sections. I didn't get to the magazines in the woods until I was about fifteen.

Found a "Wicked Willy" game there at the same time, too.

It was a good day.

I have no length. My penis is laughably small.
( Kroney, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:29, Reply)

Scarred for Life
At the tender age of 12, I was riding my bike along the side of the road, and saw a magazine lying in the gutter. Taking a closer look, I saw the wind blow open the pages to a centrefold of a man and his bits in full view.

I think it's kind of harsh to have your first introduction to porn happen via a gay porn mag... (yes I'm straight). I felt like scrubbing my eyes out with AJAX afterwards...
(satellite blows, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:10, Reply)

oh the horror
My Dad was in the army in Germany and we lived in army flats in the area populated by cirtain entertaining establishments. Everytime I got ill and had to see the Doctor, Mum would drag me to the forces Doctor. The Doctors was at the end of a long street that had a funny shop in the middle. Each day there would a different poster of a naked woman, advertising that days special. Being an innocent eleven year old, I knew nothing. Mum told me it was a fairy House with all of the pretty red lights. As we travelled around Germany in Dads car, Mum played a game with us. We had to spot fairy houses, easily seen with their pretty red lights and inviting door ways. As an adult I look back at this and wonder if my parents were just odd?

My Dad, a typical Squaddie, used to buy skin mags by the bucket load. He used to keep them in piles on the dressing table and strangely Mum didn't mind. I think he used to get Playboy, every now and again they would run a story or artical that was not porn related and if it was interesting Dad would read bits of it out. We were never aloud to see the pics though.

My last summer in Germany, I was about thirteen and a little confused with life. Some friends on the estate found a German skin mag in the woods and decided to share it with their peers. I guess by modern standards it would still be considered fairly hardcore stuff, but to me it was horrifying and strangly alluring.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:09, Reply)

Top pause-button moments:
Risky Business - where they do it on the train.
Breathless (with Gere and Kaprisky) - behind the cinema screen
Trading Places: when Lee Curtis strips

I'd sit through an entire film with stiff schlong in one palm and the remote in the other, waiting for the spit second when a nipple or buttock appeared. To this day, my right arm looks like Popeye's (post spinach).
(frankspencer, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:06, Reply)

I was only young . . .
Seven at the most. My mum took my five year old brother and me to see our Grandparents. We got to their house, knocked on the door and waited. Moments later my grandfather opens the door and invites us in. And there it was, on their extremely large television. Paused as a highly make-upped lady is having several men insert things into her.

It scarred me for life. The porn was bad enough, but my grandparents?!

And the worse part was, my grandparents didn't even turn it off, they just left it. When my mum hinted to go into the kitchen instead they replied, "It's a bit dirty in there."
( Fluffy elephants, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 10:06, Reply)

Shudder
The LAST thing you want to find is a copy of a Kama Sutra in the back of your parent's cupboard - along with other material of how to improve their sex life.

That scarred me for about a year.

In fact - the full horror has just returned.

Fucksocks.

Thanks b3ta - I used this to vent my soul and spare me the cost of therapy. Not any more!

Insert infantile penis joke here such as "It's as big as a baby's arm".

;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:54, Reply)

Ripped up porn mags found under a hedge
A friend and myself found ripped up porn mags under a hedge at school, we were about 13 (1991). It was quite tame stuff, no gaping vag, just good old fashioned naked women.

After school we locked ourselves in a toilet and proceeded to view the material, giggling away and pretending to be turned on, "phwoar, i'd like to er...shag?...yeah, shag her"

This was when the school caretaker tried to get in, banged on the door "eer, oi need to clean this 'ere toilet", my friend and I looked at each other in horror, how gay did we look locked in a toilet together? VERY.

In a flash of inspiration, I pretended to be having a big poo, "Ungh...out in a minute...unghh", we heard the caretaker walk off muttering to himself so we bolted out the door to freedom.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:48, Reply)

Another early viewing
In the early 80's my mate's Dad had quite a collection of 'grot mags' hidden behind the record player - which we used to peruse on a regular basis.

The one lady that sticks in my mind was called 'Titanic Tina" and she had what were quite possibly the biggest norks I'd ever seen*.

I blame this delightfuly named lady for my penchant of 1980's big titted girls.



*which at seven years old meant they were the first as well.
(cherry B, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:48, Reply)

Private School
I went to a MIXED boarding school (had to get that in in case you get the wrong idea of me)

So I think I might have been about 11 or 12 when someone produced a Fiesta or Escort - I was rather confused as I was still a pre-pubescent boy. I didn't care for it much then at all.

When I was post pubescent, however, it was a different story - of course. Magazines were shared around (no, not like that!) and when one of the "cool" boys couldn't get one, someone would turn up a "Kays" catalogue or something shite like that......

Yes, I am ashamed at the Kays thing.

Size? It's still big even when it's cold outside ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:44, Reply)

Stuck In A Lift
Like a lot of twelve year-olds, I had a paper round, and once a month I had a delivery that took me to a block of flats that wasn't otherwise on my route. I'd get in the lift, press the top button and deliver a magazine wrapped in brown paper to one of the flats. I never knew what the magazine was, but I found out the day the lift failed between floors. After pressing the alarm for several minutes and not hearing a response, I sat down on the floor of the lift and pondered what to do next. Only one possibility, really: I unwrapped the package to reveal, much to my eager suprise, a pristine copy of Hustler magazine. Apart from the extremely graphic nature of the shots, the thing I remember most about the experience was the smell of the varnish used on the pages, and the look of surprise on the fireman's face as he prised the door open an hour later to reveal an extremely embarrased-looking child attempting to conceal a well-thumbed porn mag...
( Fraser has joined the Moomins., Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:41, Reply)

Frankspencer
I'm as pure as the driven snow so imagine my surprise at the pure smut that Frankspencer has written here!

Size? Wait a moment ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:38, Reply)