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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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It is fucking Friday, mofos!
How are you going to celebrate this important milestone?

Oddly, my sleep seems to have fixed itself recently. One bad nights sleep in two weeks. Have you ever had any miraculous recoveries?

# insert joke involving song lyrics and doing your mam/dad up the shitpipe here #

Alt:
Weekend plans?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 7:16, Reply)
It's Friday!!!
Last working day of this gruelling two-day working week WOOHOO! I shall celebrate this by having several beers with Pooflake (quel surprise) and possibly partaking of the Pork T-Bone (Insert usual strikethrough/homosexual innuendo here) at a local hostelry.
I will be clearing the gutters (see above) at my G/F's place over the weekend and probably drinking too much. I'm also looking forward to being able to sit with Pooflake and nikg33 without laughing myself into incontinence.
POTATO!
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 7:23, Reply)
A gruelling 3 day one for me
AND a trip to Manchester and back, with added 50mph M62 for the entire drive and hailstones
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 7:37, Reply)
Alright Sporto
All being well, a quiet weekend is in store.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 7:40, Reply)
Hopefully I'm doing your mam/dad up the shitpipe to the beat of Where Are You Baby? by Betty Boo.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:08, Reply)
Betty Boo- I definitely would.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:10, Reply)
I wouldn't give you the chance.
Betty Boo's been on my 'not just would, but most definitely will at some point, until her fillings rattle' list since she was in the excellent She Rockers. 'On Stage' is a fucking excellent record.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:15, Reply)
Quite agree.
Alison something-or other would have the 'do' done to her.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:18, Reply)
Hammond?
You dirty cunt, Jeff. She's a fucking warthog.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:21, Reply)
Clarkson.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:34, Reply)
Moyet

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:07, Reply)
WONDERLAND

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:19, Reply)
Hmmmm.
homepage.ntlworld.com/t.woof/gigs/BettyBooIMG_6978-av75.jpg
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:20, Reply)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Who is that beast, and what has she done with my dear, sweet Betty Boo? Whoever she is, I only would once, and probably wouldn't tell anyone.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:22, Reply)
Woman in "ageing" shocker

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:41, Reply)
How can she have done this to me?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:42, Reply)
Selfish bitch

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:43, Reply)
She's going to regret this, I'm telling you.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:44, Reply)
Woof is about right!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:00, Reply)
Haha!
Tony Woof!
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:10, Reply)
I am seeing my daughter tonight which will be excellent.
Tomorrow morning my brother and his missus are coming to town, so we'll have some lolz with my little'un before returning her to her spastic of a mother, at which point heavy drinking will commence. My pal (and Death in Vegas guitarist, namedrop fans) Ian is having his 50th on a boat somewhere, hopefully we'll make it down there but I bet we don't.

Sunday: vomiting and weeping.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:25, Reply)
The future is boat booze.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:27, Reply)
It seems that 'twenty twelve' is the International Year of the Nautical Pissup.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:29, Reply)
It's a winning combination
And not fraught with any safety concerns.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:31, Reply)
Marchioness lolz

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:33, Reply)
Christ
I remember a few works outings on the Tyne ferry with free beer. I say remember, it was more "was informed later"
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:11, Reply)
Death In Vegas!
V. good. Love Dirge
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:08, Reply)
I got Dead Elvis back in 1997 when times were hard, I had a Colt .45 and a deck of cards.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:32, Reply)
but would you crawl over fifty good pussies
Just to get to one fat boys asshole?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:16, Reply)
Indeed I would, for I am in fact a bad motherfucker, don't you know

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:44, Reply)
Good fucking morning.
Happy friday.

I am not, and never have been, properly manic-depressive but I have always had my up and down days. While I haven't had many down-days recently I haven't had an up day in a good long while, possibly since my little accident. Well today is one of those days at fucking last. Lemmy is my co-pilot in in a platigmun-plated bomber of fuck you all.

Alt: I shall be spending a lot of it with my far-better half, taking a break on Saturday to welcome my son back in to the country, so all good.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:33, Reply)
You have a Downs day every day.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:38, Reply)
Lemmy and I sneer at you as we fly past on a wave of euphoria.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:45, Reply)
Third page of the Metro this morning is a large picture of Mr Kilmister in a tuxedo. Bit odd.
I think it might be from Eat the Rich.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:47, Reply)
The Aerosmith track?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:55, Reply)
The shit Comic Strip film.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:58, Reply)
I'd quite like a miraculous recovery from this hangover
I feel rough as fuck, am so tired. Ah well, was a good night.

On the upside, This has amused me today.

Alt: At a gig tonight, watching the National tomorrow, hoping my bet will come off. Then, I'm out for a friend's birthday in the evening, and chilling on Sunday.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:34, Reply)
'What have you done for me lately?', asked Janet Jackson in her 1986 pop smash of the same name.
Not a question your mum would be asking me, as she knows only too well what I've done: her, up the crap-crevasse, repeatedly, whilst dressed as Hitler and singing the 'Horst Wessell Lied'.

Will that do, Sporters?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:37, Reply)
Needs MOAR "You love it, don't you? You filthy little deviant"

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:48, Reply)
Soz.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:54, Reply)
It'll do I suppose

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:09, Reply)
I shall celebrate the day of Frigg largely by wasting time on here.
Then I shall knock off work at 3pm, take care of some parental duties and then I am off to a beer festival.

Alt: Hopefully sleep - out last night and out tonight.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:39, Reply)
Go on then
Tell me who you are backing in the Grand National.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:40, Reply)
The bookies.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:41, Reply)
Followed by the French butchers.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:42, Reply)
I'm going for The Midnight Club
You?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:44, Reply)
I'm going for a painful, stinking, splattery shit, myself.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:45, Reply)
There is such a thing as too much information, Monty

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:54, Reply)
You know what?
I don't even need one! I made the whole thing up!!!!
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:55, Reply)
OMG LOL

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:55, Reply)
AH NOAH!!!!!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:56, Reply)
My National Betting strategy is the one with the strangest name
I'm currently leaning towards the Shakalaka Booombooom one
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:09, Reply)
It is an excellent name

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:17, Reply)
I'll dig out another one

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:20, Reply)
Oh man, [new manager] has still got my back up the next day.
Whenever I've got the arse with someone the following day, I know my head won't be able to drop it. I got a meeting with the head honcho and him next week, I'm gonna have to spend a few hours writing down why I think he's actually destroying the workflows'n'stuff anyone who works on a website inside the company.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:45, Reply)
You tell 'im, Gonz.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:02, Reply)
I'm gonna be all like.
Hay !

I donno if your intention is to break up the digital department to bring in your own team.
I donno why you're so scared of new ideas.
I donno why you haven't even acknolidged a single email or idea I've had.
I donno how you can diss me infront of everyone over one mistake that pretty much everyone here wouldn't have spotted... and how you can hold that over my head on everything I develop in the future.
I donno how you can have a go at me for playing around with an idea yet you actaully bought someone in to create a fucking video game (srsly).
I donno how you can expect me to do [what he wanted me to do] when I've asked countless times to show me the proccess you use and its treated like an annoyance.
I donno what kind of message you think it sends out when your team sets up passwords like "FuckingNewServer!%!".
I donno how you can expect me to tell everyone I'm not allowed to fix their problems, or how you expect them to continue working without it.
I donno how you can't notice that there isn't a single happy person in digital since you've taken over.
I donno how on the day you started your boss from the parent company gave a big speach about listening to staff, how the company is staff orientated, one of the best people to work for in the country, about how you listen to everyone's ideas and even start buisnesses on a whim.
I donno a lot of things, but I do know it sucks the way its currently going.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:21, Reply)
What exactly DO you know?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:26, Reply)
That JobSite and Monster has gained quite a few new visiters since he's taken over.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:30, Reply)
that one and one is two, And if this one could be with you, What a wonderful world this would be?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:31, Reply)
Needs MOAR science books

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:34, Reply)
*returns the French previously purloined*

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:43, Reply)
Careful gonz, try not to make it a personal attack, or a retaliation for stuff he's done to you.
Complaints like this need to be strictly business. Unless you really want to personally attack him, in which case I strongly suggest you shit on his desk 'n all.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:32, Reply)
Yeah', totally, thats why I'm leaving 'till my review thinggy next week and I've thought this through properly.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:39, Reply)
Deep breath, the idea is to make matey-boy look unprofessional, not you.
The focus of your argument needs to be how the way this fellow behaves is BAD for BIZZNIZZ and ultimately the profitability/productivity of your department etc.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:46, Reply)
Gonz, my previous boss was like that.
Fortunately he only had the role for four years (yeah, four loooong years - but I was on maternity leave for one of those). He was an absolute cunt and he bullied, pissed off and alienated about half of the staff. He's currently off on research leave but when he returns (not in the boss role) he's going to get a shock when he realises that the people he trampled on on the way up aren't going to be there to catch him on the way down.

Also - whatever you do, don't involve HR. I (naively) did, and they backed him. HR will always back the management, it seems.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:48, Reply)
yeah, totally. we dont have hr really but youre right.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:57, Reply)
EPMD lolz
Lolz had by me alone, I suspect.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:46, Reply)
Slight smirk, here.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:54, Reply)
"...also, I hear you're anti-semetic?'

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:57, Reply)
haha

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:58, Reply)
If I don't get a reply off someone who I invited out this weekend.
I might fuck off to Newcastle tomorrow.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:47, Reply)
That's a fairly long-distance flounce, young master Barrington.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:48, Reply)
Actually I almost certainly won't.
Too much stuff to do. But I feel like it.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:51, Reply)
Barry, I'm going to impart some choice wisdom upon you that I've learned over the last decade or so.
Bitches be trippin'
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:35, Reply)
Monty, are you going to listen to those David Holmes and Portishead EMs this weekend?
You fruitacious quendoid.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:57, Reply)
I may do.
But then again I may not. Who knows?

Who knows what they know?

/ChineseWay
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 8:59, Reply)
Clearly not you.
Monty 'where did I leave my car' Boyce, you Alzheimer's riddled old poof.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:34, Reply)
Ten minutes before I am even supposed to start work and I might get a complaint made against me.
I think that might actually be a new record, which is no mean feat.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:34, Reply)
Shitting in the communal fridge is often frowned upon
in other news today is shit
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:35, Reply)
It was the freezer.
Fridges can't maintain a low enough temperature.

I agree. I think I might put in for next Friday off.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:39, Reply)
I've already complained to the mods about you today.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:35, Reply)
I would like to complain about this post in the strongest possible terms.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:44, Reply)
I would like to complain about your face in the strongest possible terms.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:46, Reply)
I would like to complain about your mum in the strongest possible terms.
I'm sure she nicked my watch whilst I was asleep in the Travelodge.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:48, Reply)
I would like to complain about your mum in the strongest possible terms
She left an awful stain on my coffee table last week. And it isn't even made of glass.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:51, Reply)
I have no further complaints to lodge at this time.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:53, Reply)
i would like to lodge something in your mum.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:00, Reply)
Morning plans
are to sit on the doorstep in the sunshine and drink coffee, maybe do some work emails so it looks like I'm working.

Weekend plans are to run 18 miles tomorrow.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:37, Reply)
Go Crackhouse! Go Crackhouse! Go Crackhouse!
My plans are to mope about my non functioning legs and paint the hall.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:47, Reply)
Get one of those rollers on an extendable stick so you don't have to stand on your bad leg.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:49, Reply)
I have one of them and a ladder.
Maybe I should just make the wife do all the work while I lie on the sofa with one arm cast over my forehead making low moaning noises occasionally.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:50, Reply)
I fucking hate eBay.
The next cunt that ends their auction early is getting throttled. I've missed out on so much stuff lately.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:47, Reply)
Today is officially CP's day to fuck with idiots on the 'phone,
20 mins ago...
Ring ring '**m ****y Good morning' (how I always answer my home/work 'phone during working hours)
'Right, I've got a problem with your tape and I want you to come over RIGHT NOW to sort this out, this is costing me a fortune and I'll be passing these costs over to you, now when are you going to get here!!'
'OK, can I ask where you are, what company you're from and..'
'FUCKING TYPICAL, I want someone here to sort this out NOW!'
'OK, I'll use my powers of telepathy to work out where you are, what the problem is and then I'll use my teleportation powers to appear at your side in the next three seconds, will that be OK?'
'splutter splutter I'll call your MD and fucking report you, no, better still I'll fucking drive up to Milton Keynes and tell him to his face and'
'Let me stop you there, I no longer work for (my old company) you were never a customer of mine if you're south of MK and, for what it's worth I couldn't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut about your costs. Now go fuck yourself you twat'
'Phone down.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:49, Reply)
Oh man, you're like totally my new hero
I can't believe that anyone would EVER talk to someone on the phone like that. You've opened my eyes to a world of possibilities.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:52, Reply)
I would like to complain about your telephone manner in the strongest possible terms.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:54, Reply)
I would like to complain about your complaint in the strongest possible terms.
If, of course, that is your real complaint.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:57, Reply)
*complains*

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:57, Reply)
whoop Milton keynes is awesome

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:56, Reply)
I would like to complain about Milton Keynes in the strongest possible terms.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:58, Reply)
Overruled.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:58, Reply)
Nicely done

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:56, Reply)
So when are you going to come down and sort out my problem with this tape?
You hung up before I could find out.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:57, Reply)
What a twat, eh?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:57, Reply)
I'm posting about this in QOTW

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:58, Reply)
Stick a pencil in the hole and rewind the tape back in
sorted!
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:57, Reply)
Hahahha Memorex C90 lolz

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:00, Reply)
I bought a whole load of C120 tapes when I got my first car
and spent ages compiling playlists. I was almost dissapointed when my dad bought me a multi CD player for the car for christmas.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:05, Reply)
I hope you complained about the CD player in the strongest possible terms.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:08, Reply)
He booked my car into Halfords on boxing day to get it fitted.
So I took my car along and thought I'd walk into Brighton but then after walking for about an hour I realised that everything was closed so I walked all the way back to Halfords but found that the Dixons next door was open so I could buy a memory card for my Playstation 2 and a copy of Grand Theft Auto Vice City (or it might have been Tony Hawks 4, I don't really remember)
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:11, Reply)
I think it was Grand Waterproof Trousers Auto.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:13, Reply)
You had to run around a city in the rain and then admire how dry your legs were.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:14, Reply)
I've told you already!
I'll teleport down as soon as I've telepathically worked out who you are and where you're calling from!
Weren't you listening?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:00, Reply)
Cheers



Cheers.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:00, Reply)
Australia is too far to teleport to

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:01, Reply)
thats the last time i hire someone to make a mixtape for a girl.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:03, Reply)
I'm going to be having hot showers all weekend.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 9:58, Reply)

hot golden
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:00, Reply)
Not into piss mate, soz.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:01, Reply)

sh r
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:01, Reply)
Not into blokes mate, soz.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:02, Reply)
Oh man you are SO FUCKING COOL.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:02, Reply)
I won't be after my HOT SHOWER!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:04, Reply)
Fuck a doodle do
There's a geezer selling Persol 714s for 119 quid on eBay, that basically be half price. I might get two pairs.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:02, Reply)
SOUNDS LEGIT!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:05, Reply)
You honestly think I'd be thick enough to even contemplate something that isn't genuine
They're the real deal fo' sho'.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:08, Reply)
There are cheaper washing powders available Baz

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:05, Reply)
Damn you to hell.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:05, Reply)
mwuahahaha!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:06, Reply)
I favour Ariel non-bio, myself.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:05, Reply)
You and sportscow are so alike.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:07, Reply)
^ Most depressing post of all time

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:07, Reply)
I like the way it insults both of you.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:08, Reply)
On the plus side, neither of us are in MK

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:08, Reply)
But on the downside, both of you are old.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:12, Reply)
37 is not old
38 is
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:12, Reply)
HAHA! Age spastic.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:13, Reply)
Leg spaz

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:14, Reply)
Fuck you!
I'm young, I tell you! YOUNG!
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:13, Reply)
You look younger my dear

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:14, Reply)
You fucking peado perve!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:15, Reply)
Pea do?
They grow in pods, you fucking plank
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:16, Reply)
I can't believe I'm going to be forty next year.
I'm officially in denial.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:15, Reply)
Mrs Cow is 40 in June
We do NOT mention this
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:17, Reply)
your only as old as the fella you feel.
Wanna feel 28 again?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:05, Reply)
Yet strangely blessed with full heads of luxuriant hair.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:13, Reply)
*shakes locks*

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:14, Reply)
Oooooo, sick burn dude.
Although, I thought your hair was becoming increasingly brittle as it senses the close approach of the grim reaper?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:14, Reply)
He's already reaped a bit of your hair

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:14, Reply)
You thought wrong, my nig-nog.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:16, Reply)
Monty, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the lack of dry meat that I have consumed recently.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:19, Reply)
I ate a large portion pretty much to myself on Wednesday.
It was one of the best ones ever. Super-caramelised.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:20, Reply)
I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms about the mental image of al eating anyone's wet slippery meat.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:21, Reply)
I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms about your brother and his "fiancee"

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:23, Reply)
*redirects complaint to appropriate department*

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:24, Reply)
That is a massive plus for me, true.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:13, Reply)
Not as much as for us

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:15, Reply)
I NO RITE

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:08, Reply)
*bids just to piss off barry*

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:16, Reply)
It is fucking Friday
And I'm going to celebrate by getting off this rock - even if it's only off to Basingstoke, even if it's for a few hours. I am going to get drunk and see Doug Stanhope - then I am going to crawl home and sleep for more than 4 fucking hours.

Plans for the weekend? Selling my organs to re-coup money spent on travelling & booze today.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:14, Reply)
Amazingstoke more like.
I like Doug Stanhope.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:15, Reply)
Bazingastoke

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:19, Reply)
What's not to like?
The whole Allison Pearson debacle cracked me up - post mortem here to anyone unawares - www.dougstanhope.com/
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:40, Reply)
Hello AW
I like your shark picture.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:17, Reply)
Cheers TTRSWABGGYAS
My first compo entry. Bit rough aroun the edges but i'm hoping to improve over time
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:26, Reply)
Hurray for Fridays.
What shall I do today?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:14, Reply)
Jiggle

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:15, Reply)
Juggle

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:16, Reply)
Morning, Pothers.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:28, Reply)
Morning Monty
Y'alreet?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:32, Reply)
Neigh bad thanks

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:55, Reply)
Today is all about COMPLAINTS.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:16, Reply)
I wish to complain about your attitude in the strongest possible terms.
I will not be told what to do. You're not the boss of me.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:17, Reply)
Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.

"No, just visiting for a few days."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:15, Reply)
Why are they both talking english?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:17, Reply)
She doesn't speak Greek nor the immigration officer German?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:18, Reply)
English is the international language of co-operation.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:19, Reply)
English is a lingua franca throughout the world.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:19, Reply)
I think an important visit to a country would probably have some sort of translator as part of the entourage.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:21, Reply)
He didn't specify an important visit
She could have gone on holiday
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:22, Reply)
The greek islands are very nice.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:23, Reply)
Have you been to Nice and the Isles of Greece?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:26, Reply)
Skiathos is fantastic.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:28, Reply)
Don't you do that in Mountains?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:29, Reply)
Malcolm the Monty always gets his man

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:30, Reply)
I think in the current ECCONOMIC CRISIS any visit by Chancellor Merkle to Greece would be seen as important.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:25, Reply)
I bet her fucking towel is already down

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:28, Reply)
Do you like the comedy of Henning Wehn? I do.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:26, Reply)
I do. He's a mate of my old schoolpal Paul.
I met him in the Betsy Trotwood in Farringdon, namedrop fans.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:28, Reply)
I find him very funny. Are you a similar age?
Ha.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:29, Reply)
Ha indeed.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:33, Reply)
By picking up my dead car from the garage and then some odd jobs.
Fix the door, change some bearings, burn some shit in the garden.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:26, Reply)
I think you're the person on here I'd least like to be.
God your existence sounds dull.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:27, Reply)
Thanks baz that means a lot.
I'm stranded in Wales there's fuck all to do.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:28, Reply)
a couple of points:
1. Picking up your car? You must be really strong etc
2. Burning shit in the garden? If you use the toilet, it will just flush away etc

I would like to thank Bernard Manning for the level of 'humour' involved in this reply.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:28, Reply)
....

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:29, Reply)
My mates gonna tow me back. Shit equals the garden waste from last week.
I am expecting my new trainers to arrive today which is exciting.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:33, Reply)
I bet you won't have a large visible "On Tow" sign in the back of your car.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:37, Reply)
Or on your back

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:37, Reply)
His back fills up the back of his car.
The reason he doesn't have an engine is that he took it out so his stomach would fit in the car when he was at the wheel.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:42, Reply)
Like a Hightower?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
Kind of like a flintstones car
only his little tubby legs just flap uselessly out of the rust holes caused by his constant sweating.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:48, Reply)
genuine lols

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:51, Reply)
I might even roll the windows down and make the engine noises myself. Do fuck off al.
I have no interest in anything you have to say.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:42, Reply)
Please calm down dear.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:42, Reply)
Also, you've rather proved that you are interested in what I have to say when it involves sending copies of books.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
Oh that, yeah I got a copy cheers. That's what you had not what you said. Anyone else from here deleted you
From Facebook yet? I hear that's the new trend in town.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:44, Reply)
I don't think anyone else has thrown their toys out of the pram.
But then again, I'm normally a little choosy about my FB friends, which is why I turned down both of your requests.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:47, Reply)
and mine

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:48, Reply)
Yeah, well, you're northern.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:49, Reply)
and you are a cunt

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:49, Reply)
That too.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:50, Reply)
haha, burn
Would you turn me down Al?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:48, Reply)
I'm afraid I would have to.
Your public snubbing of my at Mastodon hurt my pride. Also I think you're a cunt. But I would have been willing to look past that.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:49, Reply)
Success!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:51, Reply)
Have you seen applebites new modelling shots?
I was empowered by proxy.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:50, Reply)
Nah, she unfriended me a long time ago.
Something about pole dancing not just being a hobby, but being a part of who she was. I was very sad. I gave her two cans of cider at a festival.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:51, Reply)
I know she did, she told me, I was just rubbing it in.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:52, Reply)
I bet you were

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:57, Reply)
Hahaha I've never added you you spastic. I blocked you months ago
Youre the kind of childish cunt who would trawl through my stuff for ammo. Honestly you're an arrogant twat who is so far up his own arse it's untrue. You've rather proved that by everything you fucking do.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:51, Reply)
I beg to differ Andrew, you friend requested me on two seperate occasions.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:51, Reply)
Also, I can still see your cover photos.
I like the one of you wearing the big comedy heart glasses.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:53, Reply)
Oh, I've just realised the other one is of your friends dressed as ghostbusters.
That's quite sweet.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:54, Reply)
And... Why are you lying about me adding you Al?
What does that say About you? We both know it's bullshit, who are you trying to show off too now?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:56, Reply)
Well done for you, why don't you start posting it on b3ta? You know you want too.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:55, Reply)
I'm going to take that as direct confirmation that you are happy for me to post those photos of you on b3ta.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)
Why are you lying alex?
I don't like you and we're not friends.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:53, Reply)
No we aren't, that's because I didn't accept the friend request.
And because you have been consistently rude and abusive towards me, which I didn't start, and despite that I still sent you a whole load of books, but you kept up being rude afterwards.

Admittedly you did say thanks, so I guess that means Battered won't be taking out a contract on you.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:56, Reply)
This is classic, when the bullshitter starts to believe his own bullshit.
I'm gonna save this page for larfs
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:57, Reply)
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
NO I DIDN'T!
YEAH YOU DID!
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:01, Reply)
*gets popcorn*

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:56, Reply)
Someone needs to start a new thread before they start hate fucking.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:57, Reply)
EMERGENCY NEWS LINK!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:58, Reply)
*gets lube*

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:59, Reply)
Done

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:02, Reply)
spoil sport

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:07, Reply)
Do you want me to continue this in the next thread?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:07, Reply)
I'm going to add him
Just so I can delete him.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:48, Reply)
Ooooo, you bitch.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:48, Reply)
What's broken?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:42, Reply)
BRITAIN!!!!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:44, Reply)
\:D/

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:46, Reply)
on the radio last night was a story about a blind woman writing a novel longhand
When her son came round to read the latest chapter he discovered her pen had run out 26 pages previously.

I laughed like a drain and then felt vaguely guilty.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:31, Reply)
*raises hand*
I also lolled heartily whilst stuck in traffic on the M62
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:32, Reply)
I smirked at this too.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:33, Reply)
That *is* hilarious.
I'm going to hell.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:33, Reply)
They asked the Police to help
and they did! WTF?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:34, Reply)
They volunteered their help when they weren't working.
Now put down your Daily Mail.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:38, Reply)
Not true
They did do it in work hours

and they were immigrants! (probably)
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:38, Reply)
Also this was in Dorset
which isn't exactly the Crack Capital of britain
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:38, Reply)
I will NOT endorse it

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:39, Reply)
Oh Fuck Off Jeff.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:41, Reply)
\o/

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:42, Reply)
How does she stay on the lines?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:34, Reply)
Rubber bands apparently

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:34, Reply)
She's fitted with train wheels

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:38, Reply)
hahaha!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:38, Reply)
yeah, but it's ok cos forensics recovered the text as a favour
it took them 5 months of one woman working in her lunch hour. This had better be one fucking epic chapter.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:46, Reply)
Everyone turn your office speakers up to the max
And get this on, I can't believe I've only just discovered it. I'm currently dancing round the house in my Calvins. Happy Friday soundcloud.com/mob-2/drop-out-orchestra-polish-our
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:32, Reply)
You asked about my sunglasses yesterday?
Persol 2355s
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:39, Reply)
Persol easily make the best sunglasses.
Closely followed by Tom Ford. I have two soon to be three pairs of Persols, can't get enough.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
They were the only ones I liked in all of the shops in town.
I'm going to have to look into what frames are suitable for taking prescription lenses etc. I think I shall be ebay shopping in future.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:56, Reply)
Average at best.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:40, Reply)
Doesn't even work for me so I can't enjoy those Dirty Beats.
Hi Noel, been racist much recently?
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:41, Reply)
Ha.
Oh obviously, yes, I'm a terrible, terrible racist.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:49, Reply)
She text you back yet? I wonder what it is about you that's putting her off? Have you wondered that?

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
It was back up girl #2 I text.
So doesn't really matter. And yes.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:44, Reply)
Course it matters baz. Course it matters.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:45, Reply)
I should be spending the weekend with her now I think.
Then next weekend with back up girl #1. Actual object of my desires is MIA. Am I cunt? Probably. But being a gentleman got me nowhere so fuck it init.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:51, Reply)
I don't care

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:54, Reply)
Too busy living the jet set lifestyle/changing bearings I suppose, I understand.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:59, Reply)

They asked about today, not tonight.
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:09, Reply)
NO!
WITH A KNIFE!
(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:45, Reply)
WINE!

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:49, Reply)
that's not a knife.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:50, Reply)
That's a glove

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:51, Reply)
so Facebook told me.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 10:52, Reply)
I can see you've played Knifey Glovey before.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:00, Reply)
I wish to complain about the lack of replies to my ace new thread in the storngest possible terms.

(, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:06, Reply)

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